The Chess Bar

A rook, a bishop, and a knight walk into a bar to discuss a plan to win the war. A plan so crazy, it might just work.

A rook, a bishop, and a knight walk into a bar. As a pawn bartender approaches to take their drink order, they take a seat.

"Can I get you something?" The pawn bartender asks.

"Just a beer for me," the rook says.

"I'll take a whiskey, neat," the knight says.

The bishop looks over the bottles behind the bar, unable to make up his mind.

"We have a large selection of vodkas," the Pawn bartender says, attempting to help.

"Oh, I don't know. Right now, I'm craving something sweet. Do you have any idea how to make a strawberry daiquiri?" The bishop asks, which causes the rook and knight to look over.

"I suppose I could give it a try."

"You're a lifesaver; I've had a rough day." 

The pawn moves along, preparing drinks, while the knight turns to face the other two.

"Let's get started; I was walking about in an L pattern, like I usually do, when I spotted something troubling. The opponent is moving forward on the right side; they have it completely blocked off now,'" the knight explains.

"Oh my God, I'm losing my mind, what I wouldn't give to move in an L pattern once; just moving in a straight line,  I've been starring at a pawn's a$$ for as long as I can remember." The rook adds.

"Calm down, hear me out; I think we should switch sides; we're fighting a losing battle," the knight says.

"Switch sides? From my perspective, everything appears to be in order," the bishop says.

"Yeah, but you're cross-eyed; all you do is move diagonally," the knight says.

"You can't just switch sides; it's never been done before. Don't you have any allegiance to the white king and queen?" The bishop asks.

"I did but did you know there used to be a second knight, and then I witnessed the sacrifice, executed solely to save the queen after she made a terrible mistake. Then it dawned on me: we don't matter to the monarchy; everything is in place to protect them; what about our lives?" The knight says.

"We're at war," the bishop says, "and if the white king and queen win, we all win."

"I'm not sure; there was another rook too. The king then approaches him one night and asks to switch roles, mentioning something about castling. He mistook it for a sexual advance, but the next morning he was found dead." The rook says.

"That's what I've been saying, the king could have progressed in any way, but instead, he jeopardized his rook," the knight confidently says.

"OK, I'll think about this ridiculous idea for a minute; how do we switch to the other side, genius?" asks the bishop.

The knight was about to respond when the pawn bartender returned with their drinks, forcing him to swallow his words.

"OK, the rook gets a beer, the knight gets a whiskey, and the bishop gets a daiquiri. Is there anything else I can get for you?" The pawn bartender asks.

"Oh God, a dose of insulin for this sweet drink," the bishop moans as he sips from his daiquiri.

"Please accept my apologies; it was the first time anyone ordered that drink here," admits the pawn bartender.

"It's alright; evidently, the kingdom will be short of sugar for a while because it's all in my drink," the bishop complains.

The pawn bartender walks away with a shake of his head. 

The knight checks around to make sure no one is listening in on their conversation before leaning in to discuss it with the bishop and rook.

"You know how we wear white, and our opponent wears black?" 

"Don't remind me, bishops worldwide get lavish and fancy robes; I'm stuck with this white potato sack," the bishop complains.

"Yeah, well,  I captured a bishop and stole his black robe the other day while on patrol. And not long after that, I caught a black knight and took his black armor. Once we've betrayed our side, we simply start wearing black to show the black side. We're with them now," the knight explains.

"So, rather of fulfilling our oath, we simply betray our kingdom?" The bishop asks.

"I've seen enough of these conflicts to know that we're going to lose; I knew as soon as I saw pawns sacrificed like candy early on. A king who is unconcerned about pawns is unconcerned about everyone but himself." the knight says.

"This is making sense; we could be the heroes. If we won the battle for the black side, we'd be recognized as gods!" The rook says.

"OK, I don't want to lose this war as much as you do; you've persuaded me," the bishop says.

"Great! When will we get me the black rook uniform?" The rook asks. 

The knight has an uneasy grin on his face.

"Here's the problem, we need someone sacrificed, so the king and queen don't see it coming," the knight explains.

"So, who is going to be sacrificed?" The rook asks.

"You, you idiot, you're the only one without a black uniform," the bishop says.

"Look at it this way," the knight continues, "you'll be regarded as a hero, historians will write books about you, and stories about your sacrifice will grow to mythical proportions."

"I suppose that'd be cool, but how do we accomplish it?" The rook asks.

"Let's start with the queen. When the black side attacks, I know exactly where the white queen will be. You'll make the sacrifice, and when the white queen thinks she's been rescued, we'll dress in black and assassinate the white queen. When the king comes down to see what's going on, we also kill him." The knight explains.

"I like it; everyone knows that queen bish is more powerful than the king anyway," laughs the bishop. 

They finish their drinks and walk out of the bar.

As the black queen enters the white queen's chamber to begin her attack, the rook moves into position directly in front of her. The white rook boldly moves to the right and then forward. The black queen dispatches the rook in record time.

The black queen then turns her eyes to the white queen, who is afraid because she is cornered. The white knight and bishop arrive out of nowhere and take their places in front of the black queen. The white queen smiles, knowing that the knight and bishop will make a sacrifice for her. The white knight and bishop, on the other hand, don their black robes and attack the white queen at the same time. The black queen is confused.

Once the knight and bishop kill their white queen, they bow before the black queen.

"We are now your dedicated servants, my black queen," proclaims the white knight, humbly.

The black queen is confused and instantly kills the white knight and bishop.

The white knight and bishop have quickly whisked away high above a chessboard to a ledge. They notice the white rook looking upon the game.

"How did that go, fellas?" The rook asks.

"You said to betray the king and queen, switch sides, you said we'd be heroes," the bishop quips mockingly.

"Shut up; how long will I have to suffer in this hell?" The knight says. 

"This game is taking forever!" The rook mutters as the three chess pieces remain in chess purgatory until the war ends.