starve for perfection

A portrait of a fourteen year-old girl with body dysmorphia.

It’s cold and I’m freezing

as I walk down the hall

the girls I slip past

saying nothing at all

I can still feel their stares

melting into my skin--

these baggy clothes I wear

hide the turmoil within

They all look so skinny--

I wonder how they do it

if their stomachs growl as mine does

if they try to smile through it

The boys, they all want them

the girls like them too

No one's ever liked me;

They don't speak up if they do.

I try, and I try

but my body's the same

the same rolls that I’ve loathed

since I first got my name

And if I tried harder

or just shut my mouth

I will not be the girl

that they all laugh about

I know I’m not fat

but my mind just won’t see

that if I stop eating

there’s no future for me

Maybe I'll die

Lord, I know that I would

but something inside me

just scoffs, and laughs, "Good." 

There will always be days

when I hate my reflection

And so I will sit here

and starve for perfection.

Author's Note

This is in no way endorsing or romanticizing eating disorders in any way, shape, or form-- these are my own thoughts, and ones I struggle with daily. Please be kind!

Reviews

[superstar .]

this is really beautiful. I loved the way you describe your inner thoughts and the lines "And so I will sit here/and starve for perfection" are really powerful, keep this UPPP!! I really resonate with this too, but honestly, you're just a human. so are those girls. if your body has rolls, it shows that you have a healthy human body. sure, they are skinny, but it doesn't mean that you're any less than them!! and if no one has liked you, it's not you. even though I don't know you in person, from your writing, I appreciate your vulnerability and freedom in writing. there are people who will appreciate you too!! hating your body is hard to.. learn to love. but remember that you are perfect, just the way you are. you are NOT defined by how your body looks, who likes you, or how "perfect" you are!!!!
this is really good. I love it, 52,127/10 AHHH
(also sorry for the long review 😭)