A Deeper Inkwell

this was an assignment from last summer. I hope it finds you well.

 

Journal Entry 1    

     Another rude awakening to another awful day, I’ve been lying here for weeks only getting up for quick bathroom breaks or to briefly hug friends and family for stopping by. I can’t believe I’m here, in the hospital, in this situation; I’ve tried to stay optimistic about how events have transpired but it all just seems far too surreal.

     I never really understood why the labels in society differed so greatly from male to female, that a guy could go out and sleep with millions of girls and his friends congratulate him and his female friends just shrug it off as if it were an expected normality. However, with girls it’s frowned upon, if you’re curious and fearless, putting out not for the sake of putting out but rather for the feeling of readiness, awareness, comfort. Somehow having a pair of tits makes my actions far worse than ill intended men, and now here I am slapped with the label of sleeping around and I have the HIV positive credentials to back it up.

     My life has never been one of ideality, there hasn’t been those memorable slumber parties growing up, there was never the “I love you’s” coming from my parents' lips every time I came home from school having a bad day, not even the frowns of disappointment when I got high or drunk just to distract my mind with a temporary curling of lips. So to say my life will be cut short, I will be grateful for this situation, it’s doing nothing more than helping me get off of this dump of a planet. I’m only 16 anyway, it’s not like I lived a long productive life, I’m in here for f*****g so at least I’m going down had having a blast in the process.

Journal Entry 2

     It’s been a month since my last entry, I’ve been too physically drained to sit up and write anything, not even my name, not even a smiley face. I’ve been crying so much lately, just laying here in this curtain stringed together from the back. I don’t want to die, I really don’t want to die, I’m scared. I wish I could go back and say I’m sorry to the ones I’ve let down or hurt, to go hug my mom and dad because no matter what I still love them. I just feel so incredibly hopeless now, I have no plans, no dreams, no desires. I can never have children of my own, to hear them laugh and play and cry and whine, I can’t watch them grow older and taller every year never once changing their nickname of mommy for me. I can never walk across a stage dressed in white and smiling uncontrollably with a graduation slip in my hand, feeling proud of my four year commitment. I’m worthless now, I am depleted.

Journal Entry 3

     I began this journal with the intention of documenting my every move yet this is only the third entry in the past 7 months. I’d be lying to everyone, especially myself if I said this hospital stay has been only physical, it’s drained me emotionally as well. I’ve lost all of my hair, there are only small patches atop my head but I cover them with green flowers over an orange-red background, the friendliest of bandanas. I’ve become small and weak, I guess in Hollywood I’d be a perfect fit, but not here and surely not this way. I had always heard stories from older friends that being 16 is a tough pill to swallow, that there would be a lot of things going on, I never imagined they’d be quite like this. My doctors tell me that I’ve been strong, to stay strong, and that soon everything will be fine, but I haven’t remised yet and sadly I doubt that it will happen. And although all of these things are happening and have happened at such a rapid pace I feel now at the most peaceful I’ve ever been. I know I will be leaving my memories behind when my lids decide to close for the very last time, perhaps not soon, but certainly not years from today either. Whenever I go I’m not sure if I’ll be missed but I know I will miss everything and everyone. Please save this journal for as long as you can, I love you all, goodbye.

Reviews

[Scarlet Opal]

This was an interesting piece. Again, I would like to read more, lol. I want to know more about this person's life before their confinement to the hospital. I want to learn more about the emotions and everyday thoughts they encountered. I also wouldn't mind hearing from a bystander's point of view, then maybe learning about their life and how it intertwines or is influenced by the first story... There are so many possibilities with this story line; it looks like a great starting point, once again. :D