2am thoughts.

Last night

I  pray for the magic.

The magic that I go to bed every night, that I wake up every morning,

The magic that is God.

I get a little carried away, a little sentimental like I'm in a movie or I'm role playing or something. I don't know what to do or what I'm doing at the moment. 

This sucks

I want to be good, I want to be happy, I want to be an inspiration. 

I want, I want I want.

But that's just what it is, WANTS.

What about what I need, why is it always I I I. 

I know I can't get anywhere with I's 

I am selfish and reserved and selfish, i don't care who i hurt. i don't care who cries at night because of me but under all of the bs and whatnots there's this like a blanket or I don't know that wants to be good to the world, if i could that is.

I stay up at night thinking and thinking and thinking of how I could be better but when the sun comes all those sleepless night are still just thoughts, 

Only wishes 

And even when I try and I go the extra mile I have no control, no what-do-I-call-it? I find myself doing what I said I won't do, Breaking promises I knew I would never have kept from day one. 

But I try, 

I know that isn't good enough but only if the world would understand. 

I need people in the world that understand me when I'm on my own, when its 2:14 in the morning and d****t I can't sleep, I need more people like me, NO!  Scratch that, I need people that understand me people that can interpret my thoughts, people that would make me feel better about myself when I want to.

Two days ago my mother asked me who my friends were...I looked up at her and I couldn't answer, not because I don't have people I talk to when I want to belong. No! But because I am somewhat reserved. I never put myself in a compromising situation where I NEED somebody, I try to figure it out myself. And I thank God that day, that dark day when I'm in need has not come. 

Because right now, in this moment I am an Island.

With with all this anger, and confusion and fear and faith running inside of me, I lay on my mattress by2:22am looking out my window as the lightning strikes waiting for the lazy thunder to finally sound and my silver lining behind the cloud.

Where there is a will there is a way.