The ramblings of the self proclaimed insane

I just let my thoughts flow out for this one.

I'm trapped inside my own mind

running through the same lines

guilt, sadness, and shame

all running at the same time

I just need something to change

get me out of this pain

switch up the chemicals in my brain

and say that it's okay

but still I won't listen

the demons blur my vision

only see what they want me to

smile on my face, if only you knew

what went on behind these eyes

I'm stuck in these lies

but I don't wanna lie

I just want to mean it when I say I'm fine

I just want to hide

hide from everything and anything 

feelings that are keeping me 

away from my destiny 

but I don't even care about destiny

just want my mind to function healthily 

live simply

don't need to live lavish

just want to get past this

burden I place on myself

can't blame nobody else

I'm doing it mentally

but even in reality

the person who's supposed to care most about me

only cares about one thing and it's not even close to me

new shoes on your feet every week

when my sister and I didn't even have a bed to sleep

it's nice to see

where your priorities lie 

took everything from me

all the pain and no gain

this world it seems

to not be worth living to me 

want to give up

don't have it in me to believe

I can't see the future

and that's what's scary

what if it's because it's not there

and I'm breathing borrowed air 

I cannot help how my mind is 

and I'm ashamed to share

what I go through

to the people I'm close to

cause I sound crazy

or even lazy

because it looks like I don't do anything to improve

but I tried

and tried

a mental battle is not won easily 

and there are so many things

that could be **** wrong with me 

and I don't have the energy 

to keep up with reality

it's leaving me behind and I'm always

repeating the same lines

but nothing changes

definition of insanity is the best way to describe it to me

you can't understand how much I hate being in this body, you see

not just because of the way it looks

but because of how it processes things

it's not right and I don't know why it doesn't make sense to me

I just want to quit

throw in all my chips

leave it up to luck

cause nothing else can fix 

what is truly f***ed 

but only fade it to the back, hope they don't crack

medication works for so long until you have to increase your dosage

how do you give hope to the hopeless?

why can't I be like everyone else

fake it till you make it and it will fix itself

live life in a blur

till you reach the finish line

cross it and it'll all be fine

but it doesn't work when your brain disobeys

and how do you discipline your brain?

by depriving it of what it craves 

and then the cycle continues 

until time runs out on you

or you load the gun and shoot.

Author's Note

How does this writing make you feel?