Doctor's Sketch

A Python-esque sketch about a doctor and his rather unusual patient. Although originally written for stage, I may be looking to use it as part of a web series.

1. Doctor's office sketch

SETTING

A small consulting room in a large hospital. The room has white-washed walls and a very clinical feel. There are no personal artifacts, only medical instruments, and a computer. There is a door to stage right and a large window upstage, showing two elderly women outside, chatting.

TIME

The present. The day of the operation.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY sits at his desk, typing at the old fashioned computer monitor. A NURSE knocks twice before entering.

NURSE

Doctor Phidley? Mr Harisson has arrived.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

Right-o, let him in.

MR HARISSON awkwardly slips his head around the door and shuffles into the room, wearing a plain shirt and jacket. The NURSE leaves, closing the door. As he speaks his voice seems very nasal, see Monty Python's Mr Pither.

MR HARISSON

Hello Doctor.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

(Moving around to sit on his desk at the front)

Mr Harisson, please, sit down. Now, I assume the nurse has walked you through the procedure?

MR HARISSON

Yes, Doctor.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

Yes, well, it's a very basic operation, we knock you on the head with a hammer, cut open the top of your head, remove the brain and replace it, and Bob's you're uncle, you're smarter.

MR HARISSON

Right, it's just, I'm still not quite sure why I need the operation.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

What do you mean?

MR HARISSON

Well, I'm plenty smart Doctor. My brain works perfectly as far as I'm aware.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

(Clearly getting irate)

Well it won’t after a blow on the head with a hammer! What do you take me for?!

MR HARISSON

(Startled)

Well...I don't see why you can't just not hit me with the hammer in the first place.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

Because then you'd be concious during the operation! And believe me, it really hurts if you're concious. Well, at least, that's what one of the other patients said...before she...anyway-

MR HARISSON

But Doctor, I wouldn't need the operation if you didn't hit me with the hamm-

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

(Standing up)

I, sir, am a man of science! A doctor! I took an oath to help people! And you! You doubt that I would do that?!

MR HARISSON

(Leaning further back in his chair)

Well, no-

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

Well sir I highly recommend you listen to me then! Now take off your clothes!

MR HARISSON

I'm sorry?

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

Behind the screen! There's a gown in there for you!

MR HARISSON scampers behind the screen while DOCTOR PHIDLEY sits back down at his desk.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

Now, Mr Harisson, have you every had any history of heart problems?

MR HARISSON

No, Doctor.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

Nerve issues?

MR HARISSON

No, Doctor.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

Brain injuries?

MR HARISSON

No, Doctor.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

(Smirking)

Well we'll soon change that.

MR HARISSON shuffles out from behind the screen wearing a surgical gown, carrying his clothes over his arm. He puts them down on the chair. DOCTOR PHIDLEY stands up from his desk, pulling a hammer out of a drawer.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

(Positioning Mr Harisson)

Right, Mr Harisson, if you'd just like to stand here for me. Now, this is going to hurt a lot now, but after the transplant you shouldn't feel a thing. Ready?

DOCTOR PHIDLEY raises the hammer and strikes MR HARISSON on the head, making a loud clanking sound, like metal. MR HARISSON remains standing, unaffected. DOCTOR PHIDLEY tries again, to no avail. He throws the hammer out of the window, hitting one of the old ladies in the face and knocking her down. He knocks on MR HARISSON's head, which produces a hollow metal sound.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

(Stepping back)

Mr Harisson, are you, in fact, made of metal?

MR HARISSON

Yes, Doctor.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

Well why didn't you mention it?

MR HARISSON

It didn't really seem relevant-

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

Not relevant?! How are we meant to remove your brain if you don't have one?!

MR HARISSON

Well I have a CPU, Doctor.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

A CPU?! What doese that stand for?! Completely Useless Prick?!

MR HARISSON

That would be CUP, Doctor.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

I don't care! It doesn't change the fact that you're made of metal! Why do you go to the doctor's if you're made of metal?!

MR HARISSON

(Monologue)

Well I wasn't always made of metal, I was human once. You see, I grew up in a small town outside Guildford with my parents. I had a perfectly happy childhood, until...until...well I was in my late teens when the incident with the pantomime horse happened. My dad was an engineer, and he created a system to transfer my conciousness to a metal counterpart, and I've been living like that every since. I don't like it, but I manage.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

I see...so thats why you look twenty-something even though your file says that you're 57? Hang on...why did your father just have a metal version of you lying around?

MR HARISSON

He was a very strange man, I didn't really question it.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

Still, Mr Harisson, you need an engineer, not a doctor, so I suggest that you get dressed and go down to the garage.

MR HARISSON

Oh, please, Doctor! I've come all this way and I'm already undressed, can't you at least check my motherboard?

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

I'm afraid I know nothing about computing. I wouldn't know where to start-

MR HARISSON

Please? It would make me feel a lot more secure.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

(Hesitantly)

Oh, all right, where is it?

MR HARISSON

My back has a sliding panel, Doctor.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

Okay then, bend over.

MR HARISSON bends over, facing away from the window, exposing himself to the other lady outside, who looks on in shocked delight, while DOCTOR PHIDLEY looks at MR HARISSON's back. DOCTOR PHIDLEY notices the lady and quickly pulls down the blinds. The lady peers through the blinds.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

(Scared to look at Mr Harisson)

Umm...Mr Harisson...do you...do you, y'know, have anything...in THAT department?

MR HARISSON

Which department, Doctor? IT?

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

I suppose, in a way.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY begins to mime with his hands.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

(Suggestively)

As in...software...that becomes...hardware?

MR HARISSON

I really don't know what you mean, I'm afraid.

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

Let me put this another way. Do you have...anywhere with a bit of...a spark?

MR HARISSON

Well I do have a bit of a faulty plug if that's what you mean?

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

What DOES that mean?

MR HARISSON

Well, you see, when my dad made the model it had to be charged via mains socket but it was very inconvenient so I've switched to battery pow-

DOCTOR PHIDLEY

OH MY GOD! DO YOU HAVE A PENIS MR HARISSON?!

MR HARISSON looks at DOCTOR PHIDLEY briefly, before pulling him by the coat and kissing him. DOCTOR PHIDLEY stands shocked, before wrapping his arms around MR HARISSON. We can see the lady looking shocked whilst still peering through the blinds as the set is wheeled off stage. The lady remains where she is, looking at the audience, then walks off the opposite side.

END

Author's Note

Would like to know people's opinions on the dialogue, also whether to perform it for stage or screen as part of a series of sketches

Reviews

[angel]

Very funny and Pythonesque. Yes, I do like it, and I would use a live audience for their reaction WHILE filming. Just my opinion.
Very good, though. I like the dialogue, it flows well.