and i am alive today

was walking in the dark for so much long,
sometimes thinking that the night was prolonged.
times the breeze would carry a broken song,
a sigh, a cry, while in vain my heart longed.

even light is seen in south park of hell
where lovely dreams are burnt and nightmares churned.
for light is but space deprived of darkness spell
in my heart, light is burned and dreams are burned.

when i saw her smile like a rose today
got drenched in the moonlight of madness.
light, light, light and a thousand songs I say
danced, my soul, of unbearable lightness.

my smile walks up and down my heart today.
behold, her smile! I am alive, today.

Reviews

[TLK]

The title is excellent, and draws the reader into the poem beautifully. I think that the title is so important, in fact, that I would consider making it the last line of the poem, like this: "behold, her smile! / And I am alive, today."

Being from "Chennai, India", I can only assume that English is not your first language. Generally, your English is excellent, and certainly does not stop me from understanding the poem. However, there are a few small problems that could be fixed:

was walking in the dark for so much long, remove the 'much', it is not needed. However, I must admit I find this grammatical error quite charming, and might try and work it into my own writing in the future. One way you could emphasise the length of the walk while keeping 'long' at the end of the sentence for your rhyme scheme could be "for ages long". This implies a terrible length. 'aeons' is a word you might prefer.

sometimes thinking that the night was prolonged this would be more powerful if you removed the 'sometimes', and perhaps placed 'infinitely' in front of prolonged.

times the breeze would carry a broken song, 'at times the breeze' is more correct.

a sigh, a cry, while in vain my heart longed. You've ended three lines with 'long' or 'longed' here. Repetition can be useful, though, so I leave it up to you whether it serves your purpose or not. However, it is an important thing to think about. (I'm not saying it is a problem, just that it deserves thought and justification).

where lovely dreams are burnt and nightmares churned. This is a nice internal rhyme. 'nightmares churned' brings to mind an interesting image.

for light is but space deprived of darkness spell This is the most troublesome line. The syntax has to be a bit odd to end on 'spell'. I think you mean that the spell belongs to the darkness, so you need an appropriate apostrophe to denote the possessive.

when i saw her smile like a rose today: is she "smiling like a rose" (roses don't smile) or are her lips like a rose? If the latter, 'I saw her lips smile like a rose'.


my smile walks up and down my heart today.
behold, her smile! I am alive, today.

This is a really effective ending that communicates something beautiful. This is a really good first poem to post, which showcases a real understanding of and identification with the principles of emotional poetry. Please take my suggestions as just that -- suggestions which you can ignore -- and I hope what I've said helps you to become an even better writer.

Welcome to writerscafe.

[Sakshi]

although this narrates a great story with pleasant expressions and feelings..it could have been a much smoother with certain corrections, starting from the first line itself..
its great catchy title brings viewers easily.
keep writing. looking forward to read more from you.