Haunter

I am the shadow that passes beneath your eye

I am the howl on the wind as it passes by

The swirled and lifted leaves in autumn air

Just know, that I was there

 

The snapped twig in the middle of the night

That raised the hairs of your neck with fright

The sudden storm that becomes eerily fair

Just know, that I was there

 

The cold on your breath when you sleep

The familiar face you see when you dream deep

The sense of holding when you are in despair

That was me, I was there

 

Though my flesh lies under earth and stone

Please believe that you are not alone

When the world becomes more than you can bear

I will always be there

Author's Note

needs work, but I like the concept of this contest and want see what I could come up with.

Reviews

[Beau Maysey]

Oh, man, this poem actually got me with the first few lines!
Something about a shadow passing under the eyes and an uplift of fall leaves made me feel a sense of suspense that many writers struggle to actually attain; so nice job!
I also like the mood at the end changes to add a bit of (paradoxically) disquieting comfort to the creepy tone.
The biggest change I would suggest is to work on the rhyming, because it starts off very well for me, but in the second and third stanzas I felt it was a bit more forced. Those concepts are there, but the articulation is a bit off... But I understand. Rhyme is important. And it makes a poem dance and jive. So no worries- just looks at those stanzas and try and see how you can make the rhymes feels bit more loose and flowing.
Nice job with this piece! I like it a lot, and it struck in me some emotions, which means as a poet you've succeeded. :)

[Nina C Palmer]

TY very much I really appreciate the insight. May be a while before I get back to tweaking this one, but will definitely keep your comment in mind.

[James Aeolus]

Not that the author can see it since the profile is closed, but I cannot think about this poem without thinking about the Pokemon.

[Poems]

Awesome to me. Where does it need work?

[willweb]

I liked this alot. Kind of creepy but carries a certain sense of peace and even a little love. Wonderful Nina.

[Nina C Palmer]

Great, that is totally what I was going for. Capturing both perspectives of a haunting.

[Wórdsmíth]

Very beautiful piece of art. I like the concept. Most of the writers loose the 'rhyming' contact especially when they write such dark haunted pieces but you did an excellent job here. You write it with proper rhythmic flow since starting to an end indeed along the edge of very deep words and that's what I love 'bout this beautiful poem. Well pen'd! Keep it up the excellent performance! ;)

[Deepwater]

for a closet poet you lay pen to paper real well good job with this great read

[Roger Turgeon]

It was like an episode of Long Island Medium...if we pay attention we will see the signs that our departed loved ones are still with us

[The Representative]

"Always, I will be there".


It was like this, how I'd anticipated the form of the very final line:

Goes to demonstrate just how well the rest of the poem worked.

[Nina C Palmer]

Thanks very much. I think this is one I will play with and make a little longer.

[Rene Salinas]

Oh I hope your desire to develop continues it is a haunting subject. In fact if I did not know any better I think he /she / it, is responsible for many things. As I read Nina I felt that the desire was to make whoever is reading, should be able to feel the lingering of the presence. Foolish in my view to ask: But who is it then? As through the discovery we might get an insight. Is not one of them situations that we can equate to 2+2 = 4. This is haunting concept. Not sure if it happend to you but as the last line of every paragraph is the one that accentuates the presence itself it made me want to hit enter on "That was me" and
"I was there." Only for the purpose to make anyone go nervous and throw it out: Well , Who was out there?

Maybe it is just me.

Great concept though greatly enjoyed.

Thankyou

[Nina C Palmer]

Who is it: I was thinking mother and son. Like if something happened to me I would be there for my son in spirit, which from that perspective is sweet. From the perspective of the haunted person it would be eerie. I was trying to capture the perspective of both. Thanks for the thoughtful review :)