to my best friend.

3:19 am...i wake up on cue as if waking up to the sound of you, except there is no sound of you, only the sound of me, the groan that escapes as i move my neck too fast, waking up enough to feel the throbbing pain in my head and my ribs and my ankle. it's been weird to sleep in my own bed again, it's been strange to wake up among all my possessions, the weight of it all seems to press down against my throat. i want to scream. i want to call you. but i won't because that would be an admission of my dependency, and i cannot abide that tonight. today. and it's bound to be a relief for you to have some silence. i tend to talk a lot. my hair is in knots as i leave the house for a walk in the middle of the night. i pull out the snags and i think about how my dna must be all over this planet, with the amount of hair i've left laying around. you'd shake your head and laugh at that. but this is no laughing matter. i think sometimes i hate you. i think sometimes i hate everyone. by day i wouldn't say that aloud, but it is not day, and i do not feel like me, and you do not act like you, and i do not think it is good to not care, when so much of me depends on hearing my phone ring when i feel down. i'm not saying i condone these relationships, these inherently unhealthy and intense discussions. i'm just trying to say that i'm overall weak and turning into a pushover, which is not something i have ever been.