Dearest

A Story by Moper

Dearest,

“Love transcends all”

Do you remember this? Do you remember the first time you have uttered these words? If memory serves me right, the first time you told me about this is when you were about to go to another country for work. I was uneasy at the time. I felt that if you go, I would lose you. That you might fall in love with somebody else there, more beautiful, more understanding, more caring and much more loving or worse, somebody would fall in love with you and provide you a much better love than I could ever give. The idea isn’t downright absurd if you look carefully in the mirror. I know that you’re not one to boast of appearance but let me assure you that at the time, if I were to see you at a coffee shop, my head would have turned towards you a second time. Your hair that you see as messy isn’t horrible, not the slightest. In fact, it suits you and your sharp features. You talk and walk with a certain kind of “swagger”, as kids would have called it today, and I know that ladies, women for that matter, then and now love a confident man. You might not know it, but your actions brim of it. Couple that all with the way you dress, clean and approachable, they basically have a good-looking man within their reach.

If not that, you’d become busy with work that you’d lose time for us to talk, to even message or say our greetings and how are our days have been and is going. You’d eventually start feeling comfortable with how everything is that it would replace our status quo of talking to each other every day. Our communication starts to become scarce because of it and then when a certain time comes, you’d realize that it isn’t so bad to be like that. Maybe you’d shake your head and think that you shouldn’t be thinking like that but give it more time and your mindset might start to change. We’d probably still talk but only a few words in exchange. Then only a couple and eventually it just disappears. As that goes, so is my basic idea of what a relationship should strongly have. I’d probably start demanding more time and you might start getting irritated or annoyed with me since I was “fine” before that when truly I always wait for you to message or call me as I don’t want to bother you at work. That it takes all my willpower to not just pick up my phone and start a conversation with you.

As I tell you both, we had an argument. Conflict of ideas on our future. You criticized how I’m only thinking for myself on this situation. That I am being delusional, overthinking it. That this is a good opportunity to create a good foundation for our future together. You reasoned that it would only be 2 years. That it would be over until we notice it. When I look back on your reasons now, they are actually sound. Pardon me, dear. I was young and stupid back then.

I was so adamant on not accepting it that I didn’t listen to you but after a day or two of not talking to each other, you came to me. You were calm even if I was still mad and fuming. You said you’re sorry that you crossed the line with some of the things you said but you told me that you really wanted to go. I saw it in your eyes as you explain it. In the end, you asked me if my love, my faith in you was so weak that distance would kill it? I answered that it wasn’t my love that would waver. It would be yours. I’m yours truly I replied. But are you mine? I remember your reaction to the question. You brushed away my tears with your thumbs and caress my cheek. You smile gentle and resolved as you say the words I probably wouldn’t forget my whole life:

“I love you with every fiber of my being. My body longs for you. My soul screams for you. My mind thinks only of your well-being. Before I close my eyes to sleep, I see you and in my dreams, you are still there. I might actually be obsessed with you darling. If you are as in love with me as I am to you, believe me when I say our love will transcend all.”

As you say the words, you look at me for a reaction, an answer. I wasn’t very quick to it but I was damn sure I was as obsessed with you as you are to me, maybe even more. I answered you with a kiss to which you responded with passion and vigor, pulling me close to you at the same time. As our bodies intertwine, our kiss becomes deeper, more stimulating. Our actions were quick to become hot and eager as our hands start to explore each other’s skin. We were both starting to understand how the night will go on and, by instinct, we start stripping each other’s clothes as the argument from a while ago becomes an afterthought of a night full of lust and love. On that night, I felt the most reassured, most secure, most loved woman in the world.

I know it reeks of immaturity but it’s all true. My feelings that I felt then. It frightened me that I was ready to do anything for you. I don’t want you to lose time for me. I don’t want you to stop caring for me. I don’t want you to stop adoring me. I don’t want to stop being the person you go to when you’re troubled and in need of advice. I want to continue being the first person to hear of any news, good or bad, you have so that we can share the emotions, feelings that come with it together. Most of all, I don’t want to stop being the person you love. I wouldn’t be able to take it. I don’t want to end up like my family. I wanted to prove to them that what we had was real. That it was everlasting. That, in your words, it transcends all.

You know how my family isn’t the best role model for a loving family as my parents and uncles and aunts are mostly divorced and in bad terms with their once partners. That’s why I’ve always believed emotions to be a fickle thing. That one day you can be in love with me and the next you’re not. This belief held me from loving anybody. That I was irked with the idea of being in love or loved. Maybe irked isn’t the right word, terrified might be better. Everybody was within arm’s reach. I have friends but nobody closer to talk about my feelings, my opinions, me. I mean why bother, right? In the end, things will end and we’d just either hate each other or be indifferent about it. I was fine by myself. For 25 years, I was fine by myself and then you walked in.

This is truly what amazes me with you. How were you able to make me change my mind? How were you able to show me that I am missing such a beautiful thing as love in my life? Not only that, a lot of people would have been really put off with my idea of love and relationships but you pushed through, why is that? I made you go through hell and if I was evil incarnate, I would have made you walk through broken glass to show your “love” to me. I wasn’t that evil though. I basically just ignored or rejected your advances. What made you think I’m worth that at all? All the discouraging things I said to you. All the actions I blatantly ignored. What was it that made you continue? Whatever it was, I am really happy you pushed through. You showed me that there is more to life than what I already have. That it could be better, more colorful and more vibrant.

Around the same year, you had to leave for work. I was ready to face the coming days being away from you. It was more of a see you later than a good bye really, yet it didn’t stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. As your flight is called ready for boarding, we embrace each other and share a kiss. It felt sweet and sincere. It didn’t last long as you break it off. ‘I’ll see you later.’ you said as you wait for my reply. ‘Yeah. I’ll see you later.’ I said, smiling through the tears. You smiled back up at me and walked away. I wave at you as you look back once before you enter a restricted area only for boarders.

Life was stagnant the months that came thereafter. The only light was when I get to talk to you and see you well and happy. I tried my best not to contact you on your shift but there do come times that the loneliness was overwhelming that it is unbearable. I apologize for those. I know you are busy at those times but that never stopped you from being accommodating and understanding. Words cannot explain how thankful I am to you about those. That said, I am also sorry for the times that we get into a fight. I cannot help but be insecure and protective of what we have. It’s scary to think that I’m at home myself at a time and you’re at work with people I have no idea who. I trust you. I have faith in you. I truly believe in your loyalty. That said, it’s the people around you that I doubt, that I have no faith in. Please see it in my perspective that my jealousy does not stem from something unreasonable. Now that I think about it, our life apart from each other was probably the strongest glue that held us together all these years.

Once you got back from work, you wasted no time. You proposed to me at an overlooking we usually frequented just outside town. It took me by surprise as the place wasn’t very great for grand things like that but, for some reason, it was just perfect. The stars above looking out for us, the lights from town felt like it was making us the highlight of the night, the cold breeze embracing us both and you, knelt down and proclaiming your love to me. Requesting for my permission to immortalize the love that we both feel for each other. Of course, I was going to say yes. Even without your grand proclamation, I would have said yes. I was sure of it. There was no doubt in me that I wanted to live my whole life with you forever. I remember the smile you had on your face as I told you yes. It was as bright as the sun. Swept by emotion you carried me and just spun as we both laugh at how silly it probably looked to an outsider. As the excitement died down, we gone back to the hotel and made love. It was truly a wonderful night.

Married life wasn’t perfect. It was full of ups and downs but it was mostly happy and joyous. I started working as the finances wasn’t going to pay if it’s just you who will work so our weekdays are mostly spent outside of the house. There were little problems when it came to work as we see each other when we both get home and If there were any problems, we try and address it by talking it out. We were both sacrificing something, time, money, whatever. Somebody, one of us, had to compromise so that we would be able to live the kind of life we wanted. Whatever decision we should make, we had to speak about it with each other. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t but we both made the decision together. It might have been through a small argument or a conflict but in the end, we cannot decide until the other agrees or at least, gives permission to decide. The amazing thing about this is that even with the arguments, the conflicts, the failed results, is that we were both getting through it together which in my opinion was the important part. We could both be mad at each other for something but we would never fail to oblige the responsibility we have for each other.

As dandy as I describe our married life, it wouldn’t be complete without children. we both wanted to have children, more so me, but it proved to be hard. We kept trying for a year and a half with no luck. It was starting to make us uneasy that the possibility that one of us is sterile looms over our minds. I was sure it wasn’t just me. I see you twitch just slightly every time the pregnancy test produces a negative. Your face cannot hide the disappointment as you try and reassure me that it will come in due time. We just have to continue trying. The words did reassure me a little but it didn’t change the fact that every pregnancy test, our worries was becoming bigger and bigger. We both knew that something was wrong but we didn’t want to talk about it. We just kept trying and trying until somebody had to say something. Somebody had to speak up. We had to know what’s up and maybe remove the uneasiness that’s creeping up on us. That we are both fine. That we are just having a slow start and after some talking, we both got the courage to visit a hospital. As much as we were both optimistic about the situation, the idea of getting infertility tests was enough to make us nervous. We get the required tests and I was positive about the whole thing myself. I checked online for maybe symptoms, signs that show if a woman or man is infertile and we both don’t seem to be having any of it. That said, the doctor broke us the news that it was not me, but you that was sterile. As the doctor continued speaking, the life in your eyes start to slowly die.

As we arrived at home, we were both speechless. The doctors said a lot of things that gone over our head. You sat at the couch, silent for hours. I wasn’t sure what to do, what to say to you. I tried reassuring you that it’s fine and that we’ll get through it but it felt like you didn’t really hear me or wasn’t understanding what I was saying. It was heartbreaking to see you like that. At night, I asked you if you wanted to come to bed to which you replied that you’ll stay up for a little more while. You seem to have gotten a little better from the afternoon but I was still worried sick. As I lay in bed, my mind cannot help but replay the events of today, more specifically that one statement that changed it all.

‘I’m sorry.’

It felt like my dreams were teared into pieces the moment I heard it. I was sure it was going to be good. It was going to be fine. That we were just really having a slow start with things. The findings said differently. My heart ached as the doctor continued.

‘Your husband is infertile.’

His tone was apologetic to have given the news to us. I start to think of how many times has he given this speech. How many times has that statement broke the hearts of couples.

As the thoughts of my ideal family go through my mind, my eyes start to well up. Tears stream down my face, staining the pillow covers. It was overwhelming to think that my, no. Our dream of having children of our own is not going to be a reality. It was too much for me to take. My heart was being squeezed like a sponge at the thought of it. The tears continued for hours until I couldn’t cry any longer. As you were still not in bed at the time, I stood up and headed to you.

You were still on the couch when I saw you but there were a few empty beer cans on the floor now. I was quite surprised as I didn’t hear you get out of the house to buy them. You were just spacing out on the couch, looking at the closed television. I asked if you were fine but you didn’t respond until I started shaking you. Our eyes meet as you turn to me. You tried to speak but the words didn’t come. You then bit your lip and apologized, weak and defeated, and for the first time in my life, I saw you break down and cry.

For the next months, life seems to just pass between us. The subject of children became off-limits. We couldn’t bear to even think about it and when we see a family walking through a park or sidewalk with their child, it both shows in our face a look of disappointment and sadness. A friend of ours suggested adoption but we were both against it. It wouldn’t be the same as having our own was our reason for it and with that, the subject was dropped and never talked about again.

Now that I look back on it, what happened afterwards could be attributed to this. Slowly but surely, our relationship fell apart. It wasn’t very noticeable at the start but the conversations were becoming less frequent until one day, it just became a rare occurrence. Even if we were seeing each other every day, we don’t talk much lest for a couple of words in exchange. Decisions were becoming more decided by one person than it was before where we both really go in-depth and see the pros and cons of it together to come to one decision. Our actions were starting to become more obligatory for each other. Don’t get me wrong, I still cared for you but it was just starting to become different. Believe me when I tell you that I tried my best to keep us afloat but anything we tried felt more temporary than for the long run. Let me be honest to you that one day, I just woke up and thought it dead, our love. Our love that we both believe would transcend all has died. We were both just waiting for something big enough to completely justify the ending.

The justification came just like any other weekend. I woke up to the sun rays seeping through our curtains, hitting me directly on the face. As I sit up, I look to my side and didn’t see you there. If it was around a year or two ago, I would have minded it but not this time anymore. It was just how it is now. I walked about until I was in the dining room. You were sat down on the table, looking up at me as I get pour some water for myself. Your eyes show that you wanted to talk and is just waiting for me to finish my drink. ‘Good morning’ I said as I finish drinking but you didn’t reply as fast. You just said the words that every partner doesn’t like hearing from the other, ‘we need to talk.’

The words flow out of you fast. You said that you can’t do this anymore, don’t want it anymore, that you think we might just be wasting our lives now, that you feel like we’re strangers now more than ever but the very gist of it was that you every time you look at me, you know that you failed me as a husband and a man. It’s not me, it’s the very fact that you cannot live seeing me like that that makes you want to get out.

Words didn’t come to me when I needed it. All I did was just stare at you as you list it all off. Actions didn’t take control of me when it should as well. All I did was just continuously sit down there as you leave the table with a ‘I’m sorry’ as you pass behind me and leave the house.

Have you ever felt like there are two worlds inside you, his and yours? When he told me all that, it felt like those two collided together and collapsed. I was ready for the justifications but I wasn’t ready for the emotions that came with it.

The divorce was done fast as you didn’t really want anything of it. You just wanted to be out of it as soon as possible and as soon as you were out, you disappeared. Not even your family knew where you’ve gone.

A few years would pass and I just hear the news that you died of a bar incident. It was a surprise really. I was filled with questions of what happened and why did it happened to which your family filled me in on the gaps. Once our divorce was finalized, you stayed with a distant relative of yours, wasting your life by being a cashier at a local department store there. Your weekends were drastic as you started habitually coming to bars and clubs. They said that you started consuming alcohol than the average when we were together and would occasionally involve in fights and on an unlucky day, you got ganged up, stabbed and left to die.

As I hear the story, I was first baffled and confused. It couldn’t be you. I don’t believe the story to be you. I mean, how can it be you? I’ve been with you for a good amount of my life. I can’t believe that you’d go down that path. That said, create all the excuses I want, Once I saw your body inside that coffin, I knew it all to be true. The tears came, yes but you know what surprised me the most? It wasn’t because of what happened to you or that your dead even. It was how fast I was able to accept the reality of it all. It was saddening but I didn’t think I would react the way I did. I cried but it didn’t feel like life is over for me. It didn’t feel like it was when we were together before all the troubles. This is the time I realized that love really died between us sometime after, maybe even before, our marriage fell apart.

I truly believed that love transcends all but why weren’t we able to overcome that?

Tell me, dear. Did we not have enough love? Did I not have enough love for you?

© 2018 Moper

Author's Note

Any kind of feedback would be appreciated

My Review

Would you like to review this Story?
Login | Register

Reviews

222333

It's sorta hard to follow. You're blathering about so many little details so quickly it gets confusing and it's hard to keep track of them all. Ultimately though, it's pretty well written, and it's definitely a tragic story. I'd say it's pretty good. It also sounds sorta like it might be a true story. Did it really happen?