Remembering them

I sit upright a bed I’m not accustomed to and stare blankly at the unfamiliar dark room.

Judging from how dark it is, my parents aren’t normally home at this time.

They said that when they’re not home, they’re at some place called office, “working”. I didn’t really understand what that means but they told me that if they go there, then I’d be able to buy all the toys and snacks I want.

That made me so happy that I hugged them and told them I’m sorry as I remember asking for a toy before, but they said we don’t have any money to buy it. I remember that I cried until we got home that day as I don’t really understand why they can’t just get it for me. I mean, it was just there.

Once we got home, they told me about work.

Once I understood that I tried my best not to ask them of anything anymore as long as they don’t tell me we have enough money for it.

My chest tightened as I recall this.

“I want to see them.” I mutter, casting my eyes down.

I want mom to make me delicious food again. I want her to kiss me goodnight. To read me stories before sleeping.

I want dad to play with me. Tell me of interesting stories from the past, even if I don’t understand it.

I want to see them again.

A few days ago, my aunt came to visit me and bring me to her home. She didn’t tell me anything and just told me to come with her. Her eyes were red and sore, as if she just cried, that time that I forgot about mom and dad until I was at her home.

I haven’t seen mom and dad since I was brought here.

I don’t know anybody here that I’m starting to feel lonely.

Whenever I ask aunt about them, she frowns and tells me to just watch tv or play with some toys.

When I see her like that, I feel sad. I don’t understand why she’s like that. She’s usually happy and smiling. Always played with me. Always told me stories like mom and dad.

Today, she told me a different answer.

She told me I can’t see them.

I asked why but she didn’t tell more.

I tried asking more questions but she doesn’t answer anything anymore and just told me to go to “my” room.

I started to cry and stormed off to it.

I don’t remember much after that. I think I just fell asleep.

That would explain why the pillowcase is wet.

I remember how aunt answered me, the sad expression on her face. It was as if she was about to cry.

I start to tear up as I recall it.

Nothing much can be done.

I know that but from the way she answered a while ago, my chest tightened up and I felt like I’m holding back tears which I didn’t understand. It felt like that’d be the last time I can ask her about mom and dad.

She told me that I just can’t see them.

That means, maybe tomorrow I can right?

Or maybe the next day?

Regardless, I should be happy about that right?

Then why am I feeling like this?

Why am I holding back tears?

I prayed. I wanted somebody to talk to me. At least tell me what’s going on.

“Please…” I spoke as I continued to cry.

No response came and I eventually just fall asleep.

Author's Note

Any comments would be appreciated.

Reviews

[WriterGirl247247]

This is a nice piece, but it could use some more depth. Whether it's details of your characters life, the aunt's name, and small things like that. All due respect, there were a few major holes. While the viewpoint of a child is interesting, we never really know them. We don't know their age, their gender, or even their name. Also, while you meant to be ambiguous with the parents, their fate is left hanging. Did they abandon the child? Did they die? What was the cause for either case?
Your concept is solid, all it needs is a little polish, and then it'll shine.

[Moper]

Thanks for the review!
I'll keep them in mind for next time.

[June Reynard]

Hi Moper,

I was only able to skim your piece but from what I did read this is an okay piece that could be better. One way to make it better are just your regular grammatical checks. A second way to make your piece better is working on character building. What is your character seeing? Hearing? Instead of just telling the reader that your character is lonely, and misses her parents show it.
Here are some questions that may help with character building:
What types of books did your character's mother read to her? What type of food did she cook?
What type of games did your character and her father used to play?
What does the scenery look like? What about your character's room?
What is her aunt's name?
What did the toy that your character want look like?

Well I hope my critique was helpful and keep writing!
June Reynard

[Moper]

It is helpful. Thank you for the review!
I'll try my best to incorporate these when I write my next story.