A Message to My Former Hero

This is a bit of a rant about my father.

You used to be my role model, your soft brown eyes never scolding or hurtful.

My tiny little hands both fit into your big strong hand, and you were my hero.

Your magic crystal ball answered all of my questions. You were magical.

You had powers from a far away land, and I felt so honored to have such a magical being as my father.

Our trips to the zoo, our wrestling matches. You always made me feel safe, until you didn’t make me feel safe.

The older I got the more the magic faded, and you were always faded.

I never realized when I was young that you had a problem, that something controlled your life and not all the magic in the world could fix it.

Your kind eyes turned bloodshot and angry, spit spewing from your mouth. Words tearing the ones you loved apart.

I watched you take everything from my mother, I watched you tear a family apart, yet I still wanted to love you.

I wanted to find the best in you, I always have.

And now I’m grown, still trying to find the best in men, but I can never find it.. because they are just like you.

Manipulating deceiving lying men that only want me because they feel like they should have me; and they’re used to getting what they want.

You fucked my life up, everything I hate about myself is because of you.

My rage, my sadness, my inability to try something once and stop it.

I can never stop it I always want more. More to drink, more to smoke, more to snort, more to f**k.

Your addictive personality has become me.

I always hated you for doing the things that you do, but I do the same things and play it off as being young, being dumb.

My heart aches for you dad, because you never got to live up to your full potential, and I don’t want to give a s**t about you anymore but the thought of losing you kills me. Losing a father’s love.

But what you give isn’t love; it’s manipulation in whatever way you see fit, and I will no longer be apart of it.

You can have your drink dad, you can have your drugs. But you cannot have me. I will not let myself fall into a dance of pick and choose with you, because you never chose me. Not once.

I remember being 6 years old, so innocent, coloring outside the lines of my book. I started crying because I missed you, I missed my daddy.

Mommy drove me up to the bar, where you always were. I cried and begged you to come home, but you wouldn’t. You didn’t so much as even look at me or hold me. 6 year old me cried herself to sleep that night, wondering if all men were like this..

And now fighting off the men that are like you becomes a daily battle, a daily struggle. Because you are a part of me. And so much of me is drawn to the darkness.

You are the reason why I hate myself, you always told me I was beautiful and looked just like my mom, but then you put your hands on my mom, and threw things at my mom, and screamed at my mom. And I wondered how the f**k could something like that be beautiful?

I still remember the day we left. You told my mom you were going to kill her. And we all believed you.

I remember us pulling out of the driveway, you were chasing the car. Lucky for us you didn’t have a license; from the 3 DUI’s. So you stopped chasing fairly soon.

11-year-old me realized that life was going to change in a big way. And I think I was ready for that.

I pushed away the memories; the zoo, the magic crystal ball, the super powers. I think you officially lost all your powers.

And now when I see you there are no super powers, no magic left in you.

I can’t even tell if you want me to be a part of your life.

At least not as much as you need the things that you let control your life.

I’m trying so damn hard to keep my magic, to not let these things control me like they control you, and like you try to control all the things in your life.

I’m sorry that your life didn’t work out for you daddy, you used to be my hero.

And now I can’t even bare to look at you.