Open Eyes and Open Fire

Today I woke up tired,

Everything inside of me told me to keep my eyes closed.

I woke up ashamed.

Ashamed of the person looked at me through the closed doors.

Who have I become? This monster inside,

That lets the darkness of the world feed on all of my light.

The pitter patter of the rain sounded so loud,

And I think I’d rather die than walk into this crowd.

This crowd of empty faces and empty souls,

Always taking everything I have and never giving me anything in return.

I think I’ve lost it, I think I’ve lost my light.

And these monsters inside of me, I’m afraid they bite,

And the things that they tell me to do, I think I just might.

I'm searching for it, I’m looking so deep,

For something to cling on to in a world so meek.

Where is the magic, the wondrous things that I was promised before,

This isn’t what I wished for, I don’t want this anymore.

I’ve been looking for someone or something to light my fire,

To inspire my life, to fulfill my desires.

I never realized I would have to light my own,

But I’m out of matches, I can’t find a spark.

I’m beginning to panic, the whole world has gone dark.

Just as I’m beginning to slip through the cracks I feel myself fall,

I feel the world beneath me disappear and I’ve given up on it all..

I return back to earth and find myself back in my bed,

And all of the thoughts that I’ve been thinking are still unread.

 

Today I woke up tired;

Everything inside of me told me to keep my eyes closed.

And despite what every nerve ending in my body was telling me to do,

I opened my eyes, and I lit my own fire.

Reviews

[Glen Weimann]

Hi Paige. I've read both your poems and, not the right word for the car crash one, 'enjoyed' them. You seem to have a skill at what I might term 'stream of consciousness', i.e. putting on paper a representation of how the mind moves in a particular situation. I think you have kernels in here of really nice imagery - I like 'That lets the darkness of the world feed on all of my light'. I also like the self-learning final stanza in this poem on a couple of levels: (1) Because it's motivational and encourages those who might recognise the state of mind of the first part to realise that a better way is within their own power, at least to a degree; (2) Because you've used the same flow of words as in the opening, i.e. a good link back to join it up. Nicely done.

My suggestion perhaps comes down to personal taste, but I think you stray into the quest for rhyme compromising the words you'd like to say. Personally I would encourage you to just go free-form for a while and ditch the rhyming - there are other ways to instil flow and rhythm, for example by alliteration, mid-sentence rhyme, repeated structures, etc.

Hope this helps
Nigel

[Paige]

Thank you! I will keep that in mind! :)