You Pitiful Fool

You know that feeling of utter remorse too well. You have been in the pitiless bottom of desperation; all you want is to truly understand why. Why were you so cruel and utterly dumb? Why did you say the things you did, point out the flaws that were never trying to hide but were trying to change all for your benefit, why did you make the snide uncalled for remarks? Why? Was it fear? Was fear that a creature so very beautiful, and talented, one that had you in awe since the day you laid eyes upon it could love you? Could care for not only your wonderful qualities but the terrible ones you lie and say you don’t possess. Was that why? Was it honestly a sabotaging of your own happiness because maybe you don’t deserve it? Maybe you’ve hurt one too many souls and now it’ll forever be your turn to hurt? Why’d you do it?

You adored that precious laugh and all the beautiful smirks. The eyes so deep the ocean had to have known its new competition. A way with their breath that allowed your heart in. A whisper that sometimes said “I’m your only true friend”.  Hands that held tight the fit made to align just right. Arms strong enough to caress and protect too. Why would hurt a beauty like that? Pitiful fool.

You’re so sorry now. That is the obvious, well to you anyways. You tell them all you’re okay then some nights you knock your emotions over and the goblet that held them shattered to pieces on the hard wood floor. Red wine is staining everything just like your mistakes.  You may take a the harshness of it all away but that innocence of the cream carpet will always have the stain and scar of your foolish tongue running amuck. You know if there were one more chance you’d do it all so much better, you’d be a new person right?

There is the problem though. If you started over as this new person would your lover love you? No. You attracted them in some manner of brilliance, but at some point you crossed the line you scared them, scarred them, &lost them. You could improve yourself. You could scrub away at all the delicious stains in your brew but it would still spill one day and just as before your stain will hurt their heart.

You know you feel so numb now. So dumb and used. They move on with ease never really thinking of you. There’s a new lover now it’s not you in their mind. The footsteps of another are taking your old strides. Were they waiting to pounce on your distressed lover’s heart? Were they always there, a secret from the start? I just want to let you go. I want you take off on this raven’s wing to your happiness please, but my heart says no you’re trapped there until it can somehow let you free.

I feel your pitiful stares of thinking I never cared. You think your mighty you taught the fool a lesson, but I think you hurt a little too when you’re honest with yourself. You’ll never try again; it was games to pass time. Because the irony of it all is you made stains in someone else’s mind.

You’re tortured by their love because it left you too soon. & now we’re all just trying to walk a path of oblivious hope and happiness but the winding road is only lit up for a short time by a sliver of a moon.