Lost at Sea

A man is lost at sea in a life raft...his mind wanders to the point of insanity.

Alas! I am lost at sea! Let's forget the handwritten “message in a bottle” routine. Every lifeboat nowadays contains a modern “survival kit”. In my kit there is a fully charged laptop with portable printer. I am also able to charge a large battery with a portable solar power unit. I often spend my time (Lord knows I have a bountiful supply of it) pointing the solar panel directly at the Sun for hours on end for my personal amusement. And hey, without spell check, any attempt at writing coherent verbiage is useless. The Human Brain version 1.0 should be equipped with an auto spell check function. Perhaps Human Brain 2.0 will have this useful feature. You may wonder why I don't outright call you since the “survival kit” contained a fully charged smart phone. Well, the phone is in perfect working order, with a fully paid up SIM card, but alas, I am out of range of the nearest cell tower by about 600 miles. If only I was 500 miles closer! The phone is handy though, a least to pass the endless hours at sea. The sole working App on the phone is a modern game known as “Flappy Birds”. You may have heard of it. I am getting quite good at this game, but when I crash into a barrier with my little birdie I am apt to toss the phone right to the bottom of the sea every time. Well, even with all these modern contrivances there one thing horribly absent, a rudder! So my little self(I am getting rather thin and could pass as a fashion model with severe sun stroke), in my humble little craft, listlessly travels the far reaches of the Pacific Ocean. You wouldn't believe how big the ocean really is. It is quite a bit of water(billions of gallons of water which unfortunately I cannot drink). I really must cut this letter short and get back to writing the novel which I have begun writing. It is a story about a handsome man(with a mass of thick hair upon his head without a speck of dandruff in sight) who rides into San Diego wearing a shiny suit of amour while mounted on a mighty stead. You wouldn't believe how expensive shiny amour is to rent! I don't want to spoil the ending but he manages not to cut himself on his jousting stick. You may wonder how I am still alive, since every life form needs some form of food. I know what you are thinking, and no, I am not eating my own limbs(not yet anyway!). I survive at sea by catching fish on the fishing line and fishing hook provided in the survival kit. Lately, I have become rightly sickened of the taste of fish, and have resorted to trying other delicacies . You wouldn't believe how good wood can taste! What? A cell phone tower. I am saved. I must make a call. I am going to interrupt the writing of this letter. (Some time later) To my dismay, I neglected to recharge my cell phone after a 6 hour marathon of “Flappy Birds”. But what would a cell phone tower be doing in 20 fathoms of water in the middle of this retched sea? My greatest fear has overtaken me. I now realize that I am more insane now than I ever have been. It was but a mirage, cut and pasted into my brain by my deviate subconscious. But what I wouldn't give for a goat. I know you may be immediately thinking of the sexual implications, but that is not the main reason. I would be able to converse with the goat hours on end and not be interrupted or criticized. It would be the first time in my life I could express myself without fear of scorn or ridicule. I could relay my deepest desires and wants, and the goat would most likely be in complete agreement. I would have to goad the goat into consuming copious amounts of fish, which may prove to be challenging. Another great advantage of having a goat would that it would also provide milk, which I could process into cheese. Glorious cheese! You know, come to think of it, I could write a novel concerning my current peril. A good working title might be “Travels Without A Goat”. I was going to send you a ladies watch with this letter, which I had found in the belly of a mackerel I was munching on. I later recanted, due to the extreme odor of fish emanating from the quite exquisite  timepiece. It is in fact a very lovely gold watch, very attractive to the eye. Perhaps I shall use it as a fishing lure. I wish I had a better understanding of the great fauna of life that exists in the sea. Many of the creatures that I encounter have no name, and I simply think of them as “fish” or “bird”. Makes me wonder why I took a course titled “quantum mechanics” in college. Many times I feel I am touch with a higher power. The breeze against my face feels like a Godly hand. Then again, perhaps I am eating too much wood. I greatly hunger some sort of reading material with all of these tedious hours lain destitute at my feet. How many times can you read the instructions on how to don a life jacket properly and not become disinterested? This letter should arrive at the time of your birthday. I have done a quick “back of the oar” calculation according to my understanding of the tides and sea current(I put my finger in the water). I wish you a Happy Birthday. Now I must really get back to bailing some of this water sloshing around my ankles. They don't make lifeboats like they used to.
Best Regards,
Austin Hicks, Esquire.