This Week's Horoscope

Humorous horoscopes.

Aries-Avoid midgets at all costs.

Taurus-If someone close to you burns bread in the oven or toaster,buy lottery tickets. Best to choose numbers with a 1(for baguette) and with a zero (for doughnuts).

Gemini-I don't know what to say. Nothing happens to you this week.

Cancer-Best to avoid words that contain the letter "F".

Leo-If a fly lands on your face, love is near...or you may catch an exotic disease which others may find attractive.

Virgo-Guys, you have a good chance to score with a Gemini.Gals, eat more fiber.

Libra-You are going to gain weight over the holidays regardless, so just pig out like there is no tomorrow.

Scorpio-If there is a Taurus in Uranus, take it out.

Sagittarius-Trying to talk to a Scorpio this week is a complete waste of time.

Capricorn-Keep your hands clean, but avoid preparing food.

Aquarius-That is not chocolate on the toilet seat.

Pisces-Your drawings of imaginary animals will gain the notice of Sagittarius.

Mercury, the Sun and Venus in your solar twelfth house are like angels on your should whatever the f**k that means.