The Battle of Verdun

A poem written for history class. I don't think it's very good so if there is anything you can think of that would make it better please share =]

 

The Battle of Verdun,

That must be where I am,

For beside me lays my gun,

And my best friend, Sam,

 

I’m paralyzed in mud,

And I can not see his face,

All I can see is blood,

Oh God, show some grace!

 

I’m unsure if he’s alive,

I would check if I could move,

They all need him to survive,

They all need him to improve,

 

Such a man can not die,

His children miss him now,

He needs his wife here to tie,

Healing to his brow,

Oh God, don’t send him to heaven yet, not just yet,

 

 

 

His son crawls into his mother’s bed,

He says he had a dream,

That his daddy’s dead,

And lets out a frightened scream,

Oh God, don’t send him to heaven yet, not just yet,

 

The silence is quite eerie,

I hear the streaming river,

The stillness makes me weary,

And my concern makes me quiver,

Oh God, don’t send him to heaven yet, not just yet,

 

I try to call his name,

But there is not sound,

Dear God, I’m the one to blame,

Instead, let me die on this ground,

Oh God, don’t send him to heaven yet, not just yet,

 

The blurry sun is setting,

And the world is turning black,

It’s so hot he must be sweating,

Please take the burden off his back,

Oh God, don’t send him to heaven yet, not just yet,

 

There is a whisper in the air,

Someone’s coming near,

All I can do is stare,

At the tragedy I fear,

Oh God, don’t send him to heaven yet, not just yet,

 

A woman dressed in white,

Faintly yells, “He’s alive!”

As she crouches above the sight,

Of my dear friend that must survive,

Oh God, don’t send him to heaven yet, not just yet,

 

 

 

My sight is growing hazy,

As she treats his bloody gashes,

My mind is feeling crazy,

And my insides burn to ashes,

Oh God, don’t send him to heaven yet, not just yet,

 

 

He appears to be okay!

He’s now in the proper care,

Then my vision fades to gray,

And God answers my selfless prayer.

Oh God, thank You for taking me instead,

Thank You.

Thank You.

Reviews

[Sarah]

This was certainly very dramatic & captured the pain of losing a friend (whether in war, or otherwise) very well! I love the idea of sacrificing yourself for the sake of someone you care about, and the struggle was evident in this piece. The repetition at the end of each stanza was symbolic as well, I think, as when we pray (particularly in dire situations), we tend to repeat the same wish over and over. Great job, I really enjoyed reading!!! ^__^

[Don Coorough]

You have a lot of really good elements in this poem. I like how you take an instance of war and make it personal, make it part of a bigger life than just the battlefield. You personalize loss dramatically. Good work, keep writing! - EllisD

[John Stussy]

Very powerful write! War is one of the scariest things to go through alone, and to see a friend dying beside you would be completely traumatizing. Good poem, it was strong and it seemed to me like a pretty realistic way someone would think during that situation, put into a poetry format. :P Bet you got a good grade on this.

[Brette Medb]

This was really deep at the end. The beginning started out really good and the story you have here is great but I think at some points the flow of the rhyme is a little bit off. If you reworded some of the lines and made the meter match a little more this would be really fantastic. Great write.


Brette