Affection

Oh so young...Written in early 1970. Unrhymed Unmetered Quatrains

   

    Affection

Pressured by the lack of affection,

the air is thick with lust.

All we have is the touch,

feeling empty with loss of warmth.

Seeing you through the darkness,

feeling you everywhere, but near me.

Lost we are, but not together …

worlds apart; yet, touching.

Cool sand at the end of the day …

we lay side-by-side,

separate - alone, hands touching;

but; not together.

Author's Note

If you read my work please take the time to review it.
I always review everything I read.
Thank you,
Lisa

Reviews

[W. Barrett Munn]

Lisa, I take you at your word that you want a reader to review, so here goes. Keep in mind, that when I review I try to do so as if I were an editor and you had submitted this work for publication.

I applaud your delving into a distressing subject that is obviously painful. I'm not sure you got your message across, though. The first stanza to me feels a little disjointed. Affection and lust are too far apart emotionally, I think. Perhaps passion and lust could work better. Pressured is an odd word choice in this sense - feeling pressure to give affection or pressured to receive it?

If I understand you, I think in the first stanza you are saying this has devolved into nothing more than a physical relationship and there is no longer passion or love - only lust.

Again, really a difficult subject and a worthy effort. I just think if you work it you can find a better way to express these emotions. That's why rewrite, over and over and over and...well, you get the idea.

Mary Oliver says she typically revised one of her poems 40-50 times before it was ready.

PS: I hope I didn't offend you or anyone else. I just try to be helpful but honest.

[Lisasview]

Good morning,
Let me start by saying that I am not offended in the least by your review. Reviews like yours help a poet like me.
However, I am not sure you read my comment about when this was written, etc.
I wrote this in 1970..I was 22 ...
I submitted my poem exactly as it was in my old notebook with no changes..Actually, I submitted 4 poems written way back when.
With almost all the new poems I am writing I do revise, revise, revise...
I am new to Writers Cafe and only just now am learning about Poetry..Sonnets included...Never had any schooling in this and actually never read any poetry...
Gosh, when I read back on what I wrote it sounds like I am defending myself...I do not want to do this..I just want to explain...
Perhaps if you read the first work I put on WritersCafe..a sonnet Hand~In~Hand or Miles Apart or even my newest poem Fields you will see how I have progressed..
I thank you kindly for your wonderful insightful review..I really wish more readers would take the time to be honest,
Lisa, now in Spain

[W. Barrett Munn]

I sincerely applaud you for taking on poetry! What a challenge it is!

I always try to give my thoughts about the work but never am I criticizing the person who wrote it.
I think all of our aims should be to help each other be better communicators, and that starts with honesty.

[Lisasview]

Thank you.. I have been writing for about 64 years.. stories...and, words which I now realise are actually poetry..
It is a challenge to do this correctly..and, that is the way I want to do it..
Thank you again,
Lisa

[W. Barrett Munn]

Lisa,
I would abandon the word "correctly", and I would replace it with "to my satisfaction". And then I would try to read my own writing as if I were a stranger to it, and go from there.

[Lisasview]

Thank you....

[Miss Sharon]

(we lay side-by-side, separate - alone, hands touching; but; not together.) I know this feeling. Kind of like feeling alone in a room full of people. Good write. ~Sharon

[Lisasview]

Exactly!!! Thank you for your review,
Lisa, sunny today in beautiful Spain

[Neville]

why does this have such a ring of truth to it .. I guess its because I have been there & so many times before .. Neville (just back from the beach Somerset England :)

[Lisasview]

Hi Neville, Yes, many of us have been down that road before...and many times..
Thank you for your review...and for reading my work..
Lisa

[Fabian G. Franklin]

A person can be as close as a bubble of foam on a wave but never be part of the sea; the sea, here, being the sea of love; that wonderful oneness that spawns life in all things. I graduated high school in the seventies. I still think it was the best decade yet; the music, the clothes, everything but that stupid war in Vietnam. I enjoyed.

[Lisasview]

Good morning Fabian,
I am going over all my reviews ( a huge task) to make sure I have responded to each and every one...and came across your wonderful review and see that I did not respond!! Three months ago... I remember reading your words and was sure I had responded but , no... I did not and I am sorry for that... I feel responses are so important.. I am delighted that you liked my poem.. It was one of the first ones I posted ever anywhere...
Thank you again,
Lisa. 8am in Spain

[Ken Simm.]

I first thought of the beach scene in Here to Eternity but then I went deeper into this sensous love poem and really enjoyed it.

[Lisasview]

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing my poem...which was written when I was around 20 years old ..1970
Lisa, in Spain

[Chris Shaw]

Strong feelings come through in your stanzas Lisa, of an empty relationship together in name only. There is a lack of affection, warmth and closeness which is troublesome to one who wishes for something else. Nice work. Happy Monday.

Chris

[Lisasview]

Thank you Chris..
I was in that sad marriage for awhile and wrote this when I was dealing with the thoughts of divorce...I ended up divorcing...best thing I could have done and then met the love of my life... I was lucky...in the end..
Than you for reading and reviewing,
Lisa

[Chris Shaw]

Great you had a happy ending. Divorce is painful. I had one of those too.

[Lisasview]

Happy endings are always good....

[jacob erin-cilberto]

we can be in the same room, holding each other, and yet miles apart.There can be distance
even in closeness.

j.

[Lisasview]

Oh dear...I see I neglected to thank you for your kind review Jacob.. Sorry, Lisa

[Patricia Wedel]

Very Poignant as the Stars return at Night... touching on Memories that flutter within reach and give us Comfort and Peace until the Sunrise begins another Opportunity of Eventide where Ships sail with Sails unfurled.
tenderly, Pat

[Lisasview]

Strange that the thank you I sent never got sent??
I happened to be checking back and once again your lovely review..
Thank you so much,
Lisa, in rainy ~ dark Spain

[Patricia Wedel]

dearest friend... those things happen... and then the clapping of thunder brings peace to the weary... Spring is slowly emerging... our wild tiny Hyacinths line the garden path and wee buds on the tree limbs appear. We have had dark rain clouds in the middle of white clouds in an azure blue sky and suddenly a misty rain covers the Earth where miracles come forth. God bless you and keep you safe and war. tenderly, Pat

[Patricia Wedel]

God bless you and keep you Safe and Warm. (a missing letter at the end of a word can change the true meaning). Heaven forbid. gently, Pat

[Lisasview]

Am I missing a letter?

[Patricia Wedel]

I was referring to my own wording in my review of your poem (I said "God bless you and keep you safe and war). I meant to say ("God bless you and keep you safe and warm". Usually there is a symbol to click to change an incorrect word before sending-- but not this time. No, you were not missing a letter. I was missing a letter when I typed war instead of warm. Reminds me of a missing "note" in a Song. Thanks for your touch of wonder along with my thunder. Poetry has a lmind of its own. Lovely to speak over the Miles between thee and me. Pat

[Relic]

Feeling empty in a relationship is one of the worst things. Like a connection that's tied with a thin rope, you can feel there's no strength like there should be yet each day goes by wondering when the rope is going to break. Leaving is hard.

Good poem, Lisa.

[Lisasview]

I thought for sure I had responded to your great review Tim but my Thank you is not here...so strange.. Anyway, I love where you say that the connection is tied with a thin rope... that is such a great line...
Thank you again for taking the time to read and review..
Always appreciated,
Lisa

[lightsong]

again... another dive into the depths of humans' feelings dear Lisa. unrequited love is harsh. tied together with bodies but without hearts and spirits is real emptiness. no affection. no life. a plastic flower. I don't know what age you were when You wrote these pieces but I see your wisdom since then, and not many have this kind of wisdom my dear.

[Lisasview]

I was in my very early 20's... 1970's..
Going through a divorce...
Luckily I found the love of my life when I was 30 and have been married ever since... Lucky me..
Thank you for reading more of my work.. really appreciate it.... I just posted Fields... This is a recent write of mine.. Plus, I also submitted Careless another very old one.. I am on a roll today getting loads of poetry work completed and submitted..