Affection

Oh so young...Written in early 1970. Unrhymed Unmetered Quatrains

   

    Affection

Pressured by the lack of affection,

the air is thick with lust.

All we have is the touch,

feeling empty with loss of warmth.

Seeing you through the darkness,

feeling you everywhere, but near me.

Lost we are, but not together …

worlds apart; yet, touching.

Cool sand at the end of the day …

we lay side-by-side,

separate - alone, hands touching;

but; not together.

Author's Note

If you read my work please take the time to review it.
I always review everything I read.
Thank you,
Lisa

Reviews

[W. Barrett Munn]

Lisa, I take you at your word that you want a reader to review, so here goes. Keep in mind, that when I review I try to do so as if I were an editor and you had submitted this work for publication.

I applaud your delving into a distressing subject that is obviously painful. I'm not sure you got your message across, though. The first stanza to me feels a little disjointed. Affection and lust are too far apart emotionally, I think. Perhaps passion and lust could work better. Pressured is an odd word choice in this sense - feeling pressure to give affection or pressured to receive it?

If I understand you, I think in the first stanza you are saying this has devolved into nothing more than a physical relationship and there is no longer passion or love - only lust.

Again, really a difficult subject and a worthy effort. I just think if you work it you can find a better way to express these emotions. That's why rewrite, over and over and over and...well, you get the idea.

Mary Oliver says she typically revised one of her poems 40-50 times before it was ready.

PS: I hope I didn't offend you or anyone else. I just try to be helpful but honest.

[Lisasview]

Good morning,
Let me start by saying that I am not offended in the least by your review. Reviews like yours help a poet like me.
However, I am not sure you read my comment about when this was written, etc.
I wrote this in 1970..I was 22 ...
I submitted my poem exactly as it was in my old notebook with no changes..Actually, I submitted 4 poems written way back when.
With almost all the new poems I am writing I do revise, revise, revise...
I am new to Writers Cafe and only just now am learning about Poetry..Sonnets included...Never had any schooling in this and actually never read any poetry...
Gosh, when I read back on what I wrote it sounds like I am defending myself...I do not want to do this..I just want to explain...
Perhaps if you read the first work I put on WritersCafe..a sonnet Hand~In~Hand or Miles Apart or even my newest poem Fields you will see how I have progressed..
I thank you kindly for your wonderful insightful review..I really wish more readers would take the time to be honest,
Lisa, now in Spain

[W. Barrett Munn]

I sincerely applaud you for taking on poetry! What a challenge it is!

I always try to give my thoughts about the work but never am I criticizing the person who wrote it.
I think all of our aims should be to help each other be better communicators, and that starts with honesty.

[Lisasview]

Thank you.. I have been writing for about 64 years.. stories...and, words which I now realise are actually poetry..
It is a challenge to do this correctly..and, that is the way I want to do it..
Thank you again,
Lisa

[W. Barrett Munn]

Lisa,
I would abandon the word "correctly", and I would replace it with "to my satisfaction". And then I would try to read my own writing as if I were a stranger to it, and go from there.

[Lisasview]

Thank you....

[Gee]

There is so much more to a relationship than just the physical side. A hug in the marital bed without expectation of sex to follow is sometimes much more intimate than playing hide the sausage.
Really like this piece Lisa.
Good morning, hope all is well in Espana

[Lisasview]

Good morning Gordon,
Yes, intimacy is not just sex..but not everyone understands that.
I wrote this when I was so young, early 70's, and going through a difficult time...
Yes, love it here...glorious day..plan to spend it writing and painting after we have our (green drink) and, I practice piano and then go for a walk.. My days are always busy..
Lisa

[Gee]

Tis good to keep busy, prevents the mind and body from ceasing up. I'm off out soon with the pooch, then cycling in prep for the soon to happen charity ride in France.
Have a lovely day

[Gee]

ceasing...seizing

[Lisasview]

Isn't it wonderful to be somewhat involved n each others lives without even seeing each other...so weird but so good.. Just sharing that you will be doing the ride made my mind see you on the bike in France..

[Gee]

It is lovely to be keyboard buddies. Reference the bike ride, hopefully you will not feel the pain my butt will suffer as we cycle 100miles a day for 5 consecutive days :))

[Lisasview]

What the heck... 5 days... where will you be?? We cycled from Christ church to Queenstown in N.Z. when we were 45 years old...One day we cycled 110 Km... Could not do that now...but still work out a lot..Gym, etc. Both very healthy...no meds of any kind and we are 74 years old!! Yikes..did I say that..

[Gee]

We are starting in Bordeaux, then head due
South, turn to the East along the foothills of the Pyrenees, then left again heading North, then left again heading West to finish where we started, 43 intrepid, slightly insane, amateur cyclists raising money for charity :))....160km a day !

[Lisasview]

Wow, fabulous venture...

[Dara]

The older I get I realize the vast difference between lust and real love. Your poem says it all but in the end what I felt was while “the hands were touching but not together” the couple may have made a commitment to stay together with the hope that Love could bloom in spite of it all. Just a thought. Loved your poem!

[Lisasview]

Hi Dara,
Yes, you could be right but I wrote this in my early 20's in 1970 while I was seeking a divorce... so that of course ended... and. I moved on as life will have it and have been with the love of my life for nearly 40 years now... Making the right decisions is what we are all looking for.. You are wonderful to really read and understand my poem and I so appreciate it..
Lisa, now in Spain

[KATHY SUE SILLS]

Lisa, being together in touch, but not together. Such a sad place to be as a married couple or even boyfriend and girlfriend. Sure they need that touch, but it's so much more to a relationship than just touch! Excellent poem!

[Lisasview]

Good morning Kathy,
Thank you for your review and for getting exactly what I was saying!!
read moreGood morning Kathy,
Thank you for your review and for getting exactly what I was saying!!
I was only 22 years old in 1970 when I wrote this.
Lisa, Sunday in Spain

[KATHY SUE SILLS]

Lisa, you are welcome!
Good morning!

[KAREN]

That's the worst feeling. Being together, yet not together! Nicely penned with emotions the reader can feel.

[Lisasview]

Yes, this is exactly what I was feeling when I wrote this poem in 1970.
Thank you so much for your review.
Lisa, now in Spain

[KAREN]

It was my pleasure!

[Lisasview]

Thank you again,,, my friend

[KAREN]

Sure Thing..

[Fran Marie]

A certain sadness and longing
for that close connection
with that special someone
comes through within the lines
one can feel the loneliness
lingering emotions ..nice work

[Lisasview]

Good morning Fran,
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing my poem.. I really appreciate your thoughts.
Lisa, now in Spain

[Wild Rose]

I have been there - several times
The nearest/ closest, that you can get
Is at the end of a telephone

Or (cold) text messages I chose 'cold' because with a letter you have something physical sent by your lover - they hxve touched the paper is was written on _ in national services you would put ;SWALK' over the evolope flap
With a phone call you can hear the tone of voice

I enjoyed your poem >> but not the actual physical separation

Disd all this ramble make sense?

[Lisasview]

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing...
So appreciated,
Lisa

[Lisasview]

It was 1970 when I wrote this and I was 22 years old..

[AYVID N]

A heartbreaking situation here. The estrangement seems complete. We cannot fathom why but the pain is felt deeply in your words. I wish it was different for every heartbroken pair.

[Lisasview]

Yes, it was such a difficult time for me... I was 22 years old..but life goes on and I stayed open to love and, because of that I am happy and have been for quite a long time.
Thank you for taking the time to read my words,
Lisa, now in Spain

[Einstein Noodle]

such tragedy and sadness .. its the "cold" of it all that i feel .. so many lonely people as the Beatles sang .. lust is so not the answer, is it!? a hollow false promise .. your poem captures a wealth of human experience and wisdom for those who might hear it .. nice work, says i!
E.

[Lisasview]

Yes, it is about all the money people
So sad to think and know this fact...
I think often times People give up and end up just making due with what is in front of them...
Lisa

[Einstein Noodle]

i think people of all sorts lay touching but completely out of touch with each other ... staying in for whatever reasons .. but .. i think money is not the problem ... tho i see your point .. riches perhaps drive many wedges between family members and spouses .. it is, as the Good Lord has said .. " ....love of money is the root of all evil" .. and i for one believe it ;)

[Soren]

Lisa such a great thought that we do not need to be together in space to be together in spirit.

[Lisasview]

Hi Soren,
Yes, that is correct... I was so very young when I wrote this..Thank you for your thoughts,
Lisa