Affection

Oh so young...Written in early 1970. Unrhymed Unmetered Quatrains

   

    Affection

Pressured by the lack of affection,

the air is thick with lust.

All we have is the touch,

feeling empty with loss of warmth.

Seeing you through the darkness,

feeling you everywhere, but near me.

Lost we are, but not together …

worlds apart; yet, touching.

Cool sand at the end of the day …

we lay side-by-side,

separate - alone, hands touching;

but; not together.

Author's Note

If you read my work please take the time to review it.
I always review everything I read.
Thank you,
Lisa

Reviews

[W. Barrett Munn]

Lisa, I take you at your word that you want a reader to review, so here goes. Keep in mind, that when I review I try to do so as if I were an editor and you had submitted this work for publication.

I applaud your delving into a distressing subject that is obviously painful. I'm not sure you got your message across, though. The first stanza to me feels a little disjointed. Affection and lust are too far apart emotionally, I think. Perhaps passion and lust could work better. Pressured is an odd word choice in this sense - feeling pressure to give affection or pressured to receive it?

If I understand you, I think in the first stanza you are saying this has devolved into nothing more than a physical relationship and there is no longer passion or love - only lust.

Again, really a difficult subject and a worthy effort. I just think if you work it you can find a better way to express these emotions. That's why rewrite, over and over and over and...well, you get the idea.

Mary Oliver says she typically revised one of her poems 40-50 times before it was ready.

PS: I hope I didn't offend you or anyone else. I just try to be helpful but honest.

[Lisasview]

Good morning,
Let me start by saying that I am not offended in the least by your review. Reviews like yours help a poet like me.
However, I am not sure you read my comment about when this was written, etc.
I wrote this in 1970..I was 22 ...
I submitted my poem exactly as it was in my old notebook with no changes..Actually, I submitted 4 poems written way back when.
With almost all the new poems I am writing I do revise, revise, revise...
I am new to Writers Cafe and only just now am learning about Poetry..Sonnets included...Never had any schooling in this and actually never read any poetry...
Gosh, when I read back on what I wrote it sounds like I am defending myself...I do not want to do this..I just want to explain...
Perhaps if you read the first work I put on WritersCafe..a sonnet Hand~In~Hand or Miles Apart or even my newest poem Fields you will see how I have progressed..
I thank you kindly for your wonderful insightful review..I really wish more readers would take the time to be honest,
Lisa, now in Spain

[W. Barrett Munn]

I sincerely applaud you for taking on poetry! What a challenge it is!

I always try to give my thoughts about the work but never am I criticizing the person who wrote it.
I think all of our aims should be to help each other be better communicators, and that starts with honesty.

[Lisasview]

Thank you.. I have been writing for about 64 years.. stories...and, words which I now realise are actually poetry..
It is a challenge to do this correctly..and, that is the way I want to do it..
Thank you again,
Lisa

[W. Barrett Munn]

Lisa,
I would abandon the word "correctly", and I would replace it with "to my satisfaction". And then I would try to read my own writing as if I were a stranger to it, and go from there.

[Lisasview]

Thank you....

[Ern M. Yoshimoto]

you explore the theme of uncertainty really well in this poem. we do not know clearly how the persona really feels, but the persona herself might not know either. it raises the question of what affection means. it is something obviously crucial, as the first line deprives the reader of it, leaving them feeling empty. and it is contrasted with the word lust, which implies physical affection, but it is not the same thing.
thank you for sharing this work from decades ago. i know you have grown much wiser since then, but getting this glimpse of your more difficult days helps redefine you as a poet.

[Raven A. Myn]

"feeling you everywhere, but near me." So well said! This is really good poem, one of my favs easily.

[Lisasview]

Oh my goodness, you are really reading my work...
I do have quite a lot posted....
The first one I ever posted ids called Hand~In ~Hand... my very first Sonnet...Ithink you might like it.
L

[Red Brick Keshner]

That was the time I was first delving into poetry outside of other literary forms. And I was hooked. No internet back then like it is now so I am reading this for the first time and am so moved; more so knowing that around that period I was going through similar emotions. Thanks for sharing Lisa.

[Lisasview]

Hi there,
Wonderful to read that you were moved by my poem (1970) I wrote a fair amount back then...with not knowing anything about how to write poetry...I posted a few more from back the..not sure if you have read them or not?
Thank you again for always reading my work and reviewing.
I so appreciate it.
Lisa, afternoon in Spain

[SM]

Another beautiful write... told you I was hooked :) There is such heartbreaking, numbing pain here... and it looks like there is no coming back for this relationship.... they're too far apart... You have captured the 'choking' sadness here... this poem speaks volumes.

[Lisasview]

Another one I wrote in 1970... You are right there is no coming back to this....
Lisa, now 6pm in Spain

[Temperance]

Dear Lisa, this is such a sad poem. Two people that may enjoy the others passion but, are not in love with each other or, the love has waned. The last two lines encompasses the entire poem. I like this poem. It says so much. Nice work dear friend. Temp

[Lisasview]

Hi there dearest Temp.
I am shocked to find a beautiful review from you that appears I never thanked you for. I decided to go back over every poem I have posted to make sure I had written a thank you to each reviewer. And I came across yours ..Gosh 2 months ago...I remember reading your review and I did think I had replied..Ah well, better late than never.
Lisa, evening in Spain

[Temperance]

You’re so thoughtful! Enjoy your evening! Temp

[Lisasview]

I just think it is so important to review and if one gets a review it is so important to acknowledge it.
Lisa, just about to eat dinner

[Ioana Mihai]

What a beautiful poem, love has its ways, a favour and a curse at the same time

[Lisasview]

Good morning Ioana,
Nice to see you reviewing my work.
Yes, love is such a fickle thing... I was only 22 years old in 1970 and going through loads of ups and downs regarding love..
Thank you for dropping by.
Lisa 8am in Spain

[Ioana Mihai]

How beautiful that poems may have same meaning and freshness and time has no effect on them… thank you, lovely to hear the little story behind this special poem

[Lisasview]

Yes, time has absolutely no effect on poems... Poems are only our thoughts..and the need to write them down.
Thank you again for your review.
Lisa

[Marvin Thomas Cox-Flynn..]

Lisa,

Again, here is another lovely piece of poetry that seems a bit sad for some reason ...

Marvin Thomas Cox-Flynn de Graham

[Lisasview]

Hi Marvin,
Yes it is a sad poem. I was 22 years old when I wrote this…1970.
It was the way I felt about a relationship I was in… where I did not feel connected to the person I was with.
Thank you for reviewing.
Lisa, now in Spain

[R J Askew]

'worlds apart, yet touching' catches my eye. I reckon that is how it is when we are kids and inexperienced, still learning. Maybe some are more emotionally attuned, but others are only physical alive. Result: confusion. And we all learn at different rates! Some never learning much maybe. Others learning very different lessons. Maybe some continue touching yet remain worlds apart. Ach, fool me, that's what the last verse says!

[Lisasview]

Hi RJ,
Thank you for reading another poem of mine!
Your comments are so right on…😍
Lisa, waiting for lunch at a garden restaurant

[Robert Haigh]

This is a sad situation to be in, and I have been there, so I know how it feels. "worlds apart; yet, touching"... I briefly led that life, and it was not good. You capture the mood and the heavy atmosphere perfectly. Quite poignant.

[Lisasview]

Than k you reading reviewing my work.
I was so young in 1970
And I am so glad I kept my poetry!
Lisa, sitting at a lovely garden restaurant

[Cherrie]

You really captured the moment:
Coming together but not as one. Leaving each filled with more loneliness than before. Like a starving man at a banquet.

[Lisasview]

Hi Cherrie, such an insightful review..."Like a starving man at a banquet." Oh, so clever.. Sorry I am late in saying thank you for your kind review... I am going back to check all my reviews and to make sure I have responded and I found yours from a month ago!!! Oh gosh... I do remember reading your review but I guess I forgot to respond or I did respond and forgot to press send.. Sorry about that...
I recently posted NYMPH which I think you might like...
Lisa, working on my computer