Prologue

Prologue:

The meadow is warm and a breeze whips through the trees and grass, stealing the sweet fragrance of the blossoms in a single breath.  The sun is still low in the morning sky, swept like star dust with blushes of orange and pink against the dusty purple dawn. I wade through the grass and wildflowers that touch the soft hills, almost lost from sight in their green waves. 

Underneath the willow trees that line the west side, Lily and Madame Poppy sit fanning themselves, chatting of kitchen gossip as they watch me wander mindlessly through the lea, numb to everything but the simplest warmth of the sun peaking through the branches. 

Suddenly in the distance I can hear voices ringing through the trees. Lily and Madame Poppy sit up and listen intently as the shouting became louder and louder and a trumpet sounds, breaking the quiet of the meadow. My charges sit up and frantically look to the direction of the shouting, eyes wide with a fear I do not know. I stand frozen in the center of the open grass, heart beating faster and faster with each passing moment of increasing, panic flavored noise.  

Movement suddenly catches my eyes inside the tree line, and a sudden stab of panic blooms within my chest. Logic is pushing for me to flee, but something indescribable pulls at me from the inside, willing me towards this shadowy creature, the breeze pulling me closer. Pink blossom petals swirl around me in gusts, from where I don’t know, but a calmness washes over me, pushing any fear from my chest; I began to run toward the edge of the true forest that extends as far as can be seen, stilled by an unexplainable calm. 

Behind me, Madam Poppy and Lily scream my name, but all I can hear are the deafening crash of waves in my ears. I can see them in my mind, screaming under the willows, arms waving and panic rising, but their movements are so slow compared to my swiftness, and they seem to be fading to mist with every step I push forward. 

Inside the trees, the air seems to become greener and glitter with falling sunlight and I feel like I was flying across the copper floor. With each passing crunch of leaves under my feet, the shadow's features fade from wildling and became flashes of dark hair and tan skin stretching over a thin and lanky frame of a boy barely older than myself. 

In the far distance the shouts grow in anger and urgency, pushing our feet faster and faster into the thickening trees. Twisting and turning frantically around rocks and trunks and roots, I feel myself quickly catching up to the boy. 

"Wait! Please." I my voice calls out, and I reach my hand out and gently touching his shoulder. But as I prepared to pull him back, he stops mid-run and we collide, knocking each other over and tumbling down a steep hill of small ravine and into a shallow stream below. 

"I am sorry..are you-" I stammer as I try sitting up from the mud, and turn to find the boy starring back at me with large, dark, deep eyes. Below they swirl with fear but are unbelievable calm on the surface, like the deep water of a flood before it washes you away; Unexplainably, I am breathless as something clicks within my mind and I realize I will never forget these eyes. 

"You're hurt." I whisper, suddenly noticing the red gash in his cheek and the trail of red that wanders down his face.

“No.” His voice is so low I’m unsure if it was the wind that spoke or him, but he shakes his head and I nod mine, looking from steep hill to steep hill that surround us.  

The shouting becomes louder above us and  I can now hear faint footsteps beating like angry drums in my ears. 

 "They're looking for you." The words fall slowly from my mouth as realization dawns upon me. His eyes stare into mine, trying to speak the words his tongue won’t say, before flickering up the hill to the gathering voices. My mind races back and forth, conflicted between what I know I should do, what is expected of me, and this bubbling and unexplainable urge inside my chest. His eyes look back into mine and a warmth spreads over me in waves, washing  all the fear and uncertainty from me. 

Grabbing hold of his arm, I pull us up and run down the stream as fast as possible , trying not to breathe a sound. The shouting echoes around us, and I no longer can tell how far away they are; how much of a chance he has. 

Up ahead I can just make out a thicket of brambles where the one hill evens out to meet the stream with forest floor. My breath catches as I realize it's his only hope, his only escape. He’s running side by side with me, our steps pounding to the same beat, and as we approach the evening of earth and water I push him in the direction of the spindly shelter. The shouts and footsteps seem to be circling in on us like wolves. Twenty more feet. Howling Cries. Ten. My lungs seem to be on fire as we finally reach the thicket. I push the brambly branches out of the way, revealing the base of the armored shrub and the dark passage ways they create. Its low, and he'll have to crawl, but its safe. 

I push him forward, urging him with my eyes to flee. The shouts are louder, growling in our ears. He presses his hand into mine, something cool touches my skin. Snarling screams. His hand pulls away. He melts into shadow as the thicket folds back around him. 

Almost wordlessly, a last whisper falls from my lips and catches on the breeze. 

"Run." 

Author's Note

Please critic as you feel needed. All suggestions are so helpful!
I wanted it to feel rushed and frantic towards the end, but did I over do it? Was it not enough? Does the boy not talk enough? I wasn't sure if I should make him say more or not.

*edited :)

Reviews

[Arutha]

As was previously stated, your imagery is fantastic. This whole thing has a very calm, dramatic feel to it. It has all the beauty of carefully-crafted anime, which is a huge compliment if you can turn simple, black-and-white words into something that visually appealing. I’m truly impressed.

I yearn to find out why the boy is being chased. I think you absolutely achieved "frantic" at the end. It really hits home when she realizes they're circling around the pair of them. That's like a serious do-or-die moment. In fact, I think the last 4 or 5 paragraphs are my favorite part of the prologue.

“The breeze seemed to be pulling me closer as blossom petals swirled around me in gusts, and I began to run toward the edge of the true forest, stilled by an unexplainable calm.” What was stilled - her, the breeze, or the forest? It’s very hard to tell. Speaking of "her," you might use the screaming by Poppy and Lilly to reveal the main character's name to the reader... just a thought, but mystery is good too.

“They’re looking for you.” You might make it more clear that she’s saying that to him in a moment of realization, as though it all suddenly becomes clear to her.

Also, you completely flipped from past-tense to present-tense mid-prologue.

I would also love just a touch of back story. I know it’s the prologue, and a little mystery is excellent, but I would at least like to know what the ladies are doing under the tree and what you mean by her “charges.”

[Maxine]

Thank-you so very very much! I can't tell you how thrilled I am that you enjoyed my piece as much as you did. I totally see where I switched tenses, thank-you for pointing that out!! It's really extraordinary the things we miss when re-reading our own pieces.
Also, thank-you for the advice on making this stronger, I really appreciate it and take it all to heart in the best possible way :)
So very sorry about the long period before response, I don't know how I missed your wonderful review!
Thank-you, again! :)

[Lexi Richard]

This flows beautifully, I love your details, and visuals. This is very well penned, I enjoyed this thoroughly.

[Maxine]

Thank-you very much :) I'm so thrilled you enjoyed it!

[Barbara Walker]

Your prologue is rich with beautiful imagery. I enjoyed reading it very much. I think you paced it well. Your diction and syntax is great. You've pulled me in and make me want to read more!

[Maxine]

Thank-you!!!


So sorry it's been so long before a comment, I don't know how I've missed such wonderful reviews on this piece!

[Barbara Walker]

Life gets in the way sometimes!