Serena and Selena

Watch these two sisters help their mom and family and deal with everyday life. Its my first book. (Story) Thanks!

Hi, I’m Serena  Long, and I’m  13. I have brown eyes and black hair. I live with my mom and two sisters and three brothers and one on the way. My dad left us four months’ ago. We live in a small village and about only 30 people live here. Each family is a big one. I’ll tell you about my family.

My twin, Selena, is 13 too. Her hair is just like mine. We’re Identical. Our littler sister is Sara, 10. She has Hazel eyes and dark brown hair. Andrew is 7. He has Black hair and deep blue eyes. Jason is 17. He has brown eyes and blond hair. Eric is 12. He has Dark Hazel eyes and Black hair. My mom has blond hair and Hazel eyes. Her name is Kellie. I have the best family ever.

I’m going to get corn and carrots with Sara and Eric. Selena is going to the store to get yeast. Jason is milking some cows. Andrew is getting eggs from the chickens. My mom is making bread.

“Serena, look! There’s Trent!” Sara said. Trent Darcy, that is. He’s my adorable crush. He got off his horse before saying, “Hello, I am looking for Ms. Kellie Long.” “She’s home. Watch out for the creeks. I doubt your horse can get though them.” I said. “Well, thank you for your concern. But I have to go.” He said briskly. He mounted his horse and galloped away. “Wow… Jerk alert!” Eric said. “Yeah. Serena, I don’t think he likes you. He’s so mean!” Sara said. “Yeah. Well, I’m over him. Eric, get the corn basket and Sara the carrots. Me? I just watch ya. Ha! Naw, I help Sara. Sorry Eric.” Eric pouted and then began walking to the house.

When we got home our mom was standing in the kitchen. “Mom, hi…” Sara said. “Well, Trent told me that… My mother… um…died...” My mom said tearfully. “Mom… I’m so sorry.” Andrew said. He was eavdropping. “Andy. Go to your room for a while. Mom’s sad right now. Sorry, bud.” I said. “Okay.” Andrew said. Andrew went to his room. “I.. I… I have to wash the clothes!” My mom said briskly.

 

TO BE CONTINUED!

 

Chapter  1 Written by Jamie.

Author's Note

I hope you like it.

Reviews

[Patrick Gerlits]

I can tell you had fun while writing this. From what I could discern you were talking about yourself somewhat and your family, thats all really cool. My question is, what audience were you writing to? Friends? Family? Why I ask is, if you were writing to people you don't really know the piece dosn't really intrigue. We don't know you so it really doesn't capture our attention, we're reading to be entertained but the way this was written was like an inside joke. Just something to think about.

[Jamie]

Thank you guys!
This is one of my first stories! Sooo, I don't want to change Trent Darcy. I don't even know what a hunky dreamboat is. I want to keep it PG rated. Thank you S.D., Patrick, and LongTale so much!

Lovelove-Jamie

[by S.D.]

Hmm it definitely needs an opening sentence to compel the reader. There was also a lot happening in a way that seemed to suggest a slower pace (basically, you might want to be more economical with your words in the middle part. It's difficult to find a balance) But Serena's narrative, I thought, revealed a lot about her. That's always important. It sounds really nice.
S.D.

[LongTale]

There's not much here to judge by. The begining of a story has to have something that hooks the readers attention. What is going to happen that makes the reader want to stick with it?

Hi, my name is Serena Long. In all my 13 years, I never met a hunky dreamboat like Trent Darcy. The only problem is that my twin siter Selena likes him too. We decided the issue the same way we always do, by asking our oldest brother Jason. OK, that's not true. The usual way we decide is to ask Dad, but he left us four months ago.

Stop by the group Novelist's Desk to ask the experts there about other ways to make your story better.