Chapter the Third

    All day, all I can think of is the way Amaya turned away from me, left me. It feels like my heart is being crushed inside my chest where nobody can see. It feels like I’m dying. I hope that this will last only an hour, a day, no longer. Why can’t she believe me? I’d tell her everyday what she’d need to hear if she only asked. I’d do anything for her if only she voiced her concerns.

    The day is long without her, tiring and slow, and I just want to make up but every time I come close enough to talk to her she ignores me. Walks away. Glances out of my touch. I feel so alone. Like I don’t exist, that I no longer matter. And I don’t. Not if the only person who cares about me avoids me like the plague.

    The walk home is quiet, too quiet so I plug earbuds into my head, blasting music, trying to ignore the empty space beside me. Alone with my thoughts, niggling doubts find their way into my head, so the music turns louder until it reaches its cap in order to block the unwelcome thoughts, who despite the thumping bass and screaming voices, still find their way in. The little voices in the back of my head lie… telling me to do irreversible things. To do regrettable things.

    I pause at the front door of my house, looking over my shoulder, hoping to see Amaya trailing behind me. She’s nowhere to be seen. My chest is crushed one degree tighter and my eyes sting, the back of my throat burning. I slide in through the smallest crack I can fit through to get into my house, taking my shoes off at the door before dashing to my room so I can bury my tears in a pillow. My face burns with shed tears and shame that such a small thing feels so insurmountable. I scream into the pillow, trying to make the pain go away.

    The little thoughts grow louder, telling me to die. Nobody’s home, won’t be for hours. Nobody will care. You won’t have to grow up. You won’t have to be ignored any longer. You won’t have to think. You won’t have to fight. You’ll never feel pain ever again. All it takes is a little time and a tiny bit of pain and all your troubles will go away. The voice is seductive, telling me things I don’t want to hear but have been thinking all of  my life. I can’t die just yet. But I want to.

    After two hours of crying, I’m laying on the icy floor of the bathroom with a cold and damp hand towel across my eyes in attempt to look semi-normal in time for tomorrow. I wish I could do something about my voice, which is raw and hurts to speak with, but there’s not much I can do for it. After ten minutes of lying on the floor, it’s beginning to warm up and my time under the towel is over.

    I think about eating, but decide against it. It’s not like anybody will care if I don’t eat for another night.

    I head straight back to my room, intending to do homework but the words just make my head spin. I can’t read them and the math is making my head hurt. I stare at the ceiling of my bedroom, my mind completely blank. There’s nothing for me to do I can’t do homework and I can’t sleep. My parents will be coming home soon so I can’t watch t.v. in the living room. I could go do something outside, it is late spring. It’s not that cold out anymore. But that involves going outside. Doing something. And I don’t feel like doing anything.

    If you listen to us you’ll never have to do anything ever. You won’t have to think. Deal with problems.

    The voices are smaller now, quieter, but they always speak to me. They are never quiet, they are just drowned out occasionally.