Sugared Pain

   She is beautiful, with hair flowing crimson on a nonexistent breeze. Her eyes are the night sky, velvet with specks of silver stars. Her smile, although rare, was magnificent, the opposite of her eyes, the vibrant sun in all it's glory.

   She is a moonbeam on a cloudy night, hard to find and impossible to catch.

   I want to always be around her, to see her smile. To hear her call my name. To just be her friend, I'm fine with just being friends, as long as she is happy. Even when it feels like I'm slowly being torn apart... The sun is bright, the world beautiful when I am with her. When she's gone... I am not all that pleasant to be around.

   She is a drug, one that I love to be addicted to.

   Kerry Viansen, the love of my life. I would no care if everyone else on this earth died, so long as she was happy and survived, nothing else matters. She owns my heart and doesn't even know it.

   "Jaq," She'd call with a light smile in her face, "Jaq, you're my best friend."

   I don't care if we're only friends. As long as we're close. As long as I matter to her. She is what matters most.

   My name is Jaq Bellisario, five foot nine and punkish. I'm thin with piercings dotting my face, a tattoo crawling up my neck, and cropped hair to show it all off. My tall, thin frame fits virtually no clothes, so my clothes are always too large.

   Kerry always laughs when she see me fighting with a sweatshirt that won't stay put.

   I love her laugh, the ringing of a quiet bell. Her whole face will light up, joy in every feature. Those are the times I love her most, I think. When she's happy, I wouldn't care if I died. She means more than anything to me.

   Even when she's angry, especially when she's angry. Her fair face flushed with anger, words exploding furiously from her lips. She would be intimidating if she didn't brush five foot four on a good day.

   She's tiny, although I'd never tell her. I always want to wrap my arms around her, kiss her forehead, hold her tight and never let her go, all the while, telling her how much she means to me.

   But I can't I can never tell her what she means to me, the we wouldn't be what we are now. We would be nothing. Have nothing. The nothing that comes from wanting too much.

   I never want to imagine such a thing,  a life without Kerry. Unimaginable. Unthinkable. But possible. So possible. A life without her...

   I will accept this sugared pain, a life with Kerry, without love. The sweetest pain. A life with a best friend. Without a girlfriend. A life with simply being close, my desires closeted.

   After all,  Kerry can not love me. She can not love Jaqlin Bellisario, her best female friend in any sort of romantic way. Kerry Viansen is straight. I am... not. My love can only exist on the plains of friends.