First Blue Rose Called Tasha

Heavy language and suggestive, I didn't know how to rate this. Read at your own discretion. Please comment.

 The bed shifts as Tasha moves. I ignore it and try to go back to sleep. The bed dips as Tasha leans over and kisses me, eyelids first, light as butterflies. They move slowly, traveling down my jaw to my lips. He licks the crease between and they part quickly.

 I open my eyes and see the familiar silver disks staring back.

 "Mmn," I complain when he pulls away.

 "Sorry, student body president," He tells me," It's time for school."

 "Do I have to?"

 "What kind of example would it be if you were skipping?"

 "I didn't want to be," I mutter under my breath and then say, "We could both pretend we're sick... a cold or something..."

 Tasha gives me a look,"Don't skip class."

 I can hear his unfinished sentence,'because I want to know where you are, always."

 I smile at him," You know I wouldn't."

 "Really," He doesn't look at sure. I wait for his test, the possible punishments.

 "Wear these under your uniform." He gets up and goes to the drawer, tosses me a pair of matching black lace panties and bra.

 "Okay," I reply, it isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I kick of the covers and stand; wiggling into the panties and Tasha snaps the clasp on the bra.

 He gives me the uniform I wear at school. I button up the white, long sleeved shirt; the cool of the unused shirt pleasant. I tuck the shirt into the black pants, the tie into matching vest with the silk back to cover the straps of the bra.

 I look at myself and groan slightly, "You gave me a padded one, didn't you?"

 Tasha looks at me, "Duh, we're going on a date today."

 He's putting the outfit in my bag, of course.

 "Fine. Help me put up my hair."

 He comes over to stand behind me. He begins pinning up my longer, bleached hair. After he's sure the pins won't slip, he pulls the black wig over the natural hair.

 I lean the back of my head against his chest and he asks,"How could you do without me?"

 "I don't know," I reply as he kisses my forehead. For all his faults, Tasha truly does love me. I turn and give him a peck on the lips,"Let's go get breakfast."

 We head to the kitchen and I boil some water for tea. I set out two glasses and my thermos because I'm making extra for lunch.

 "Get out the sakura tea," I tell Tasha over my shoulder,"The special imported one."

 "Really?" He asks, dubious,"The one you drink only on auspicious days?"

 "Yup," I smile at him,"I want to do something special today." I want to tell him my plan, which I hope he'll let me do.

 But for now, it's time for breakfast- and not confessions.

 Yuuki sits behind me on the bicycle, sideways and holding my waist, as usual. I love our rides almost as much as our nights. I can;t wait until tonight, our date.

 I come to our regular stop in the alleyway, where Yuuki gets off. He'll walk a couple of blocks to he school, not together, apart. The president can't date a delinquent.

 Yuuki kisses me gently on the lips, murmuring,"I love you."

 "See ya," I tell him, ignoring his remark and then ride off without him, as if we are strangers.

 Even though he says he loves me, I can't help but doubt him. What is there to love about me? I constantly test him in embarrassing ways and if he'd ever refuse me I' d think he didn't love me.

 God! I'm like the shittiest  person walking the earth while Yuuki's a saint. So sweet, innocent. I don;t deserve him, he needs a better person than me for his boyfriend. 

 And yet, I can't bring myself to leave him, the only one who seems to care about me.

 He should just leave me. Leave this s****y b*****d and find someone who can love him better than I do, someone who ca treat him right. Or at least, better than a broken person like me can.

 Tasha pulls away on the bike, leaving me to walk as usual. I sigh, wishing we could go to school like a regular couple, or at least like a normal homosexual couple.

 I love Tasha, and I know at the very least, he likes me back. I don't believe we are just sex friend, f**k buddies. And even if we are, as long as he likes me, even just a tiny bit, I'm happy. As long as he doesn't hate me, I'll be fine.

 I hike my backpack up my shoulder and dream of the day we won't be held back by titles like 'student body president' or delinquent', or even just 'male homosexuals'. To just be us, 'Tasha" and 'Yuuki', just two boys in love.

 I glance around at the dismal alleyway, the thing that holds us back and walk into the warm sunlight of the coming future. I'll smile when that day comes, but for now I duck my head, dreaming of kingdom come.

 I blink open my eyes; the sunlight feels good on my face, but not quite as nice as thousand- no, even just a hundred- kisses raining down on me.

 I stretch, then stand; wishing I could stay in the grass, the vibrantly green grass, dreaming of Yuuki. Secret dreams, ones where I finally tell him, unafraid. Then we'd spend days in bed, talking of dreams, of love, and everything in between.

 But that will never happen.It's just a dream. A dream and only a  dream. Something that will never come true.

 I walk around the building to go to our lunch meet  up place, a secret haven; even when I skip, I always make  lunch.

 I'm about to turn the corner when I hear two voices. One of them I know better than my own heartbeat. I could never mistake that soft, sweet voice; the one I know as Yuuki. The other I'm  not quite as familiar with, but as soon as figure it out I'm filled with hate. Ryoma.

 I hate him, he's obviously after Yuuki- but sweet, innocent Yuuki doesn't see it. He believes that his senpai only sees him as a friend.

 I listen to them talk, just in case.

 "So, Sakura," Ryoma pauses,"Are you in a relationship with anybody right now?"

 I peek around the corner to look at Yuuki. He's absolutely adorable, carrying the large bento and blushing like a bride. Yuuki ducks his head before relying, "Senpai, don't ask such personal questions."

 He glances up at Ryoma and it tears through my heart like a bullet. It hurts, I hate Ryoma, I hate him so much more right now. But more than the hurt, I'm pissed. That look Yuuki's giving him is mine. I'm the only one who's aloud to see it.

 The look of embarrassment and love; light blush coloring his pale cheeks, peeking through his hair and under his eyelashes his ashy eyes show.

 My only one, the person I love, showing the look that is mine to another. 

 One of my few treasures is no longer mine anymore. 

 I feel the all too familiar burn of a blush spread through my cheeks with the all too personal question.

 "Are you in a relationship?"

 It just keeps ringing through my ears, and with every echo Tasha's face flashes. I love Tasha, even his insecure and slightly sadistic side, I sometimes find them cute. I even care for his controlling side. I love every part of him, although I'm not supposed to show it.

 I glance up at senpai, there's a slight smile on his face as he tells me,"You're either a cherry boy or deeply in love," he pauses," But..." he unbuttons the top couple buttons on my shirt, taps me lightly on the side of the neck,"It seems you're no virgin."

 I blush even harder and with a shaking hand, pinch shut the collar of my shirt.

 "I-I need to go eat lunch..." I whisper, "Someone's waiting for me."

 Ryoma-senpai stands there for a second before leaning in and says, "Guess what?" And before I can reply, one of his hands holds the back of my head, the other my cheek, and my lips are silenced before I can even think of stopping him.

 He laughs softly. "You almost act like a cherry boy," He whispers in my ear like Tasha would when he says something beautiful.

 He walks away like a model, not a single care int he world. I stare after him for a minute, then with trembling fingers, I set the bento down to button up my collar.

 That f****r! He kissed him! He f*****g kissed my boyfriend, who didn't even try to stop him!

 Everything is going wrong today, I wish it would just start over. Restart, reboot, change the way this s****y day has gone so far.

 But I can't.

 So as far as I can tell, this day can only get worse.

 Behind the old school, I find the outdoor drinking fountain. The handle is rusted and won't open. I push on it but it won't turn. 

 A few frustrated tears leak out and angrily I wipe them away. More and more drip out. I lean over the drainage and push one last time, and finally, it goes. 

 My tears drip into the puddle growing at the bottom, mingling with the water and swirl down the drain. I don't understand why I'm crying, the tears just won't stop.

 One  kiss isn't cheating, right? As long as I tell Tasha what happened, it'll be okay, right? Right?

 I splash water on my face, washing the tears from my eyes, the feel of his lips from mine, the taste from my mouth.

 He's the only one I want, the only one I love is Tasha. My beloved.

 I pace around the roof of the old school building, my feet whispers against the old cement.

 The image that won't disappear, I can't erase it from my mind. Ryoma reaching for Yuuki's cheek, leaning in- d****t! I don' want to remember! Why didn't he stop him? 

 It just pisses me off! I f*****g hate the universe! Why does everything that matters tome have to be taken away?

 I hear a creak and the roof access door opens. Yuuki's relieved face peeks through and a relieved smile breaks across his face.

 Even though I'm pissed at him-  and sad too-his smile is still like one from a goddess.

 "I brought the lunch box," I tell him,"You hungry?"

 He gives me a look and slowly shakes his head. "I'm... not... hungry," he replies slowly, carefully, as if he was controlling himself.

 My heart jumps within my chest with fear. He never talks this way with me. Only when he's trying not to explode, to hurt someone. When he's pissed and trying to control himself.

 I try to cover my apprehension with a smile, as bright as the sun, one I don't like to use. He bristles slightly, only for half a second, but long enough to put me on edge.

 "Okay, but I'll save you some, in case you get hungry later,"

 Tasha gives me a tense smile,"Thanks."

 I nod and sit formally on the cold concrete. Old habits die hard. I untie the cloth then open the bento. Chopsticks between palms and give thanks,"Itadakimasu."

 I eat slowly, feeling eyes burning into my back. It feels awkward, not eating with Tasha. He doesn't sit, just constantly circling. Tasha paces around the edge of the roof and it sends my heart pounding.

 I feel like a rabbit when it hides from a wolf, desperately hoping the wolf cannot find them. Praying that the predator doesn't know the truth.

 "Tasha," I call out and I feel him stop in his tracks, "Why don't you sit down?"

 He gives no response but slowly, very slowly, walks over to where I sit and lowers himself to the ground across from me.

 I give him a smile, genuine this time,"Now isn't that better?"

 Isn't that better?

 Isn't that better?

 In't that better?

 the word repeat over and over and over in my head with small intervals of Ryoma, that b*****d, And Yuuki kissing.

 Isn't that better?

 Isn't that better?

 Isn't that better?

 Sometimes it changes, the vision, instead it's Yuuki on the roof, looking over the edge.

 "Isn't it for the better?"

 He turns and suddenly Ryoma is there, each of them wrapping an arm around each other. "Isn't it for the better, though?" They smile at each other, "Senpai loves me and you... don't. Senpai and my loves reciprocal."

 And then Yuuki stretches up in his familiar way and...

 "D****T!!!" I yell,"Why?!" 

 I fall to my knees, holding my head in my hands and whisper, "Why? Why? I love him. I do. Please don't take him away..."

 But still, they will.

 I open my eyes and try to sit up but my hips hurt and won't allow me. After struggling for several long minutes, my feet are on the floor and I'm in a semi-upright position.

 I close my eyes, take a deep breath and push myself off the bed. I stand for only a moment before falling to my knees on the floor. I sigh and crawl to find the shower. When I do, I turn on the water and lay beneath the hot spray.

 I keeps pounding, streams coming in a regular beat. The water is a heartbeat. 

 Th-dmp.

 Th-dmp.

 Th-dmp.

 And through the heartbeat I hear a door squeal softly. I turn the water off slowly, easing myself off the addictive heat.

 i gingerly stand up, testing myself to keep from tipping over. Thankfully, I don't. I towel off, grab a clean one to wrap around my waist and carefully go to where Tasha is. I walk around a bit and find him in the hotel bedroom.

 He's the image of despair, sitting on the edge of the bed, cradling his head in his hands.

 I stand in the doorway, just staring at him, filled with an inexplicable sadness. All I can do is watch as Tasha stands up, as if carrying all the weight of the world, and walk over to where I stand.

 After an eternity, he stands before me, more broken, and he whispers,

 "Why?"

 "Why?" I whisper through unmoving lips. "Why? Why couldn't have it been me?"

 Yuuki's face freezes and my worst fears rise to the surface. His mouth opens and speaks slowly, steadily, "What do you mean?"

 "I know," His whisper is harsh, yet, heartbroken.

 As my face freezes, his falls.

 "So it is true," His voice is sorrow. It makes me ache in the furthest reaches, fracturing it. And it hurts all the more because I am guilty.

 He loves Ryoma.

 I can't comprehend it- everything's turned inside out and backward.

 Yuuki doesn't love me anymore.

 Kaleidoscope stars spin in my head and I can no longer hear him speak- the only words I can comprehend are 'sorry'.

 He

 doesn't

 love 

 me

 Tasha stands there even more frozen than me. It's as if he died.

 I try to tell him the story- what happened. He only stares stonily, it's as if his soul is gone. But at the end, when I say sorry, he flinches.

 He whispers something so softly I can't hear him. I move my head slightly as I'm about to ask him to repeat himself when Tasha explodes.

 He nodded! He agreed he didn't love me!

 Behind the hurt comes white hot anger, at least, I think it's anger. The burn of the flames hurts me more than anything.

 And before I realize it, this hurt sends words spitting from my mouth, words I don't mean. Before I know it, realize I've even thought, the words are out of my mouth:

 "Die! Just f*****g die, you b***h! Tell the world the hell you are and die!"

 Th moment these words pass his lips, an indescribable look flashes across his face for only a moment, a look of self hatred and hurt.

 And I know what I must do.

 The second the words crossed my lips, I wanted to take them back. But I can't, once told, they can never be regained. And as I'm about to try, Yuuki's lips open

 "Of course."

 His face is broken, tears unshed, but a burn of steel in the back behind the hurt, tells of a strong resolve.

 Tasha's a statue. He freezes and can't move.

 "I'll miss you," I tell him, then stretch on my toes to kiss his cheek and he flinches away. Life has been restored to him and Tasha runs out the door.

 

  As I run, I can't help but wonder why. But i won't find an answer. I'm already gone.

 The door makes a booming sound as it slams shut as Tasha runs out the door, louder than the whisper of my knees hitting the ground.

 My tears flow like a broken faucet, pouring over my cheeks, unable to be stopped.

 It was completely and irrevocably wrong. I had hurt Tasha. I'm not supposed to hurt Tasha- I'd rather die than hurt him... so I will. He told me to. Said to tell the the truth to everyone and die.

 I love Tasha.

 If he but wishes it...

 It's been three weeks since that day and I haven't seen him once. 

 Today, I think I'll see him. It's the ending ceremony and the student body president must attend to give his speech.

 I'm going to talk to him, apologize after figuring out my thoughts. I've formulated what I'm going to say, seeing if he loves Ryoma. If he does, I'll give them my blessing. If he doesn't I'll finally tell him I love him. And maybe, I don't know if it's hopefully, he'll love me back.

 So I'll go to school today, to Yuuki, a new man, finally able to tell him my true feelings.

 Filled with elation and apprehension, I walk to school with these feeling fluttering in my stomach and filling my heart like a balloon filling with helium.

 

My chest stings as my heart aches when I tuck the cold metal in the band of my pants.

 If he doesn't get that I belong to him yet, maybe this will show him. Because no matter how many times I told him, showed him, it never sunk in.

 I love this stupid boy and this may be the only way I can express how strongly I feel.

 I watch as Yuuki walks across the stage to the podium. The joy leaping in my chest just from seeing him stops dead as I see the fake smile slide across his face, and unease takes the place of my previous feeling, saturating everything in my heart.

 My unease turns to fear when he opens his mouth.

 "I belong to Tasha," I say, my voice ringing, echoing over the silent room.

 My shaking hand raises and I pull the black wig from my hair, my real, bleached hair falling into my eyes and I shake the hair away. Trembling finger unbutton the line down my sting chest.

 His chest is covered with interloping vines, thin and black, twisting around each other to where I found the first blue rose called "Tasha."

 I try to stay strong, I smile as bravely as I can as a single tear leaks down my face when I hold the gun to my temple as proof that I love him.

 I reach him before anyone else, screaming at him to live, live d****t, live! But he can't, he won't, he's dead. Because I told him to. He's dead because of me.

 Tears roll down my face and i reach for the gun in his still warm hand. People take the gun from me and I fight them. I scream at them, give me the gun! Give me the goddamn gun- I need to follow him!

 My voice drops to a whisper, I haven't told him I love him yet.

 

Reviews

[taylor]

I liked it, it was really good