THAT WHICH I CAN’T REMEMBER ( 3-SECOND ERUPTIONS)

First poem in a spiritually motivated collection entitled: Experience of the Woman Kind: RAPE, JOURNEY, SURVIVAL ~A Poetic Experience, A Poetic Declaration, A Poetic acceptance of peace~

What scares me the most is that I am not sure ...Doubt means reject, reflect, deny, ignore.Ever since I can remember, bright flashes of terror consume random 3-second memoriam in my life. I die 3 seconds at a time randomly and ephemerally.I shutter ...I dismiss ...I deny ...I gather myself.
I cannot place the images, I cannot place the reality ...Is it reality?
Silence is requiem and ignoring is seemed bliss.

I rebuke the images, I hate the very thought of the images, I hate the feeling of truth that my brain refuses to consciously recall. What happened to me that I have these eruptions ? Even today as a certified grown woman ...But I can’t remember. But I don’t think I really want to ...I remember but I don’t, I don’t and I do... Too painful ...Can’t get this wrong and I cannot by any means afford to be right; my plight ...I WANT to be wrong.

What happened to me that made me very aware of  sexuality when I was too young to yet  attend school? Is it normal? Is it ingrained? Bump what the psychologist could or would say ...Or should I implore...Should I listen?
Clues ...Clues ...Clues in her protectiveness of me from patriarch asleep soundly I lay. Clues ... Clues... Clues in her strange encouraging of me to sleep naked beside her that still haunts me with extreme UN-comfortableness to this very day ...No other clues; yet outside the clues many 3-second eruptions. Perhaps the driving force and one of the many reasons why I would rather dwell with she who isn’t natural... A  transitioned soul of beauty, my momma of heart.

What happened? What went wrong? I have no complete recollection other than these 3-second eruptions ...At any time of day or night ...Whether I am riding in the car, watching a reality show, or cooking ... Whether I am sleeping, awaking, or showering ...Whether I am teaching, loving, or dancing ... Whether I am praying, prophesying, or reading Scripture ... No matter the song ...The song that envelops it all as eternity envelops me ...I sing ...I am erupted ...I sing ...Erupt but still singing!

Various memories, various 3-second memories ...Haunt me in the state of its unique requiem ...But I can’t remember  exactly why? I can only deny, flash, deny, flash ... As brave as I seem to others, As staunch as I am in that which I believe ...I deny at every flash;  I do not look deeply because I am deprived of  certainty... I am deprived of where to go if I knew my suspicions from the CLUES weaved themselves together with these eruptions; the memories to seek out that which is true ...Denying is living ...Functioning ...Dysfunction is the only acceptable function of  society today ...If you want to survive... then Malfunction! It’s simple.

Ironically I have given up the dysfunction of that which is called  societal norm in order to chase eternity, the true lover of my soul ...MY YESHUA ...Yet, this residual stain has remained in which I openly confess ...This discovery.
CLUES here, CLUES there ...It isn’t enough or is it? It is wrong to say you have been wronged, and not be sure, right? Then a flash...An eruption at any time of day or night with the few CLUES , the CLUES that I know ...It’s overwhelming.
Not to accuse anyone, but just to acknowledge something isn’t right and to live there ...I haven’t lived there, and maybe I shouldn’t live there but I am long overdue a visit. Something happened.

Am I a victim? Do I have rights? ABBA,my FATHER...SAVIOR, my YESHUA ... THE SOURCE, my FRIEND, my COUNCIL what do you say of all of this? Have you been protecting me from something? You know what I can handle and what I cannot ...Why do I desire memories to be aligned? Are you making me face what i haven’t before? Can you help me recall ...Do I need to know? Is their more peace in the unknown ? Show me the way ...The way to reconcile a past of uncertainty. Reveal to me the maxim to make known unto you alone. I ask for your blessing of shalom.

Author's Note

be nice...LOL....but seriously be honest...it's ok.

Reviews

[SquinklaPsyOps]

I really enjoyed reading this.

At first I couldnt really figure out the flow, so I thought it would be hard to read. But after a few lines, I picked up on it, and I was really impressed with how good it was.

[ORIT]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read it.