When Insecurities Show

July 29, 2008

     Something has a hold on me- pushing me toward insanity. Not gently as it should be, but forcefully. I'm restless, anxious, seeking out a lost peace. Why do I do this to myself? I thought my insecurities had been vanquished; thought my broken heart had been healed, but now I am feeling those feelings again. They always accompany love.

 

     Love is something I've always wanted and felt I never had- not truly. When others feel it for me, I hold onto them until it hurts hoping that I may eventually feel the same. Then when I find someone to love, I again hold on tight hoping that they may not escape. In so doing I know that I push them away- the very thing of which I was so afraid.

 

     I know it's different this time, so why do I still feel this way? I wish not to put him in a cage. The one I love deserves his free reign. He is a free spirit as am I. We are one spirit, but require refuge in our separate realities all the same. I pray that I will not force you to go when my insecurities show. I pray that you will understand when you see my trembling hand that I have been broken and am still on the mend. I pray that you may be the one to heal me.