I Didn't Want To Do This Anymore

This hurts so freakin much, and I hate morning now

I said I didn't want to do this anymore

open my eyes

feel the impossible heaviness

smash down on my form 

as the awareness of morning breath

collided with my sore, backdripped throat

I said I didn't want to do this anymore

feel the clenched fist of my shoulders

they won't let go 

of all that happened last night

the undercut

of the shingled hair

on my pubic area

that I shaved for a man

who only watched me through a screen

but I had to deal 

with the red and itchy bumps

I said I didn't want to do this anymore

feel the quake and bulge

in my ever crumbling

rippling 

that is my late-last-night binge

stomach sack

it yells

like an unwanted alarm blares the devils' voice

"What were you thinking!!?"

I said I didn't want to do this anymore

feel the melting point

of my makeup

in the corner of my eyes

where I cried and made it melt gray 

on my cheeks

last night

where I told him 

"I can't give anything to you"

and yet he took it from me

the vision

that 

I said I didn't want to see of myself 

in the fingerprinted mirror

"morning after" anymore

and then I went to sleep

with the taste of smelly fingernails

lingering on my view bitten lips

I was thirsty from all the chocolate

and that's why

I said it to You

I barely got the words out

I only did

because you washed me back onto shore

from the crumpled conked out

soaked, ball I collapsed into

to change my soiled underwear

as my parents puttered off to their own beds

I said

"God, I don't want to do this anymore"

crossed the finish line with what I thought maybe

a final exhale

said that evening prayer

in the childhood of morning

in more desperation

climaxing pain,

and hatred

than I ever have before

and then I woke up

hurting again,

but I guess

You don't care, 

or You have other plans for me

though,

I didn't want to do this anymore.

Reviews

[Nolo Segundo]

You are a true poet, capturing pain as well as beauty with words that wrap around the reader like invisible chains and only fall off when the soul responds.