Drugs Are

What I've been doing lately, not the classic kind, but they are all the same, aren't they?

Drugs are

I don't want to feel this

change my brain

recalculate through

shaving my skin

starving me thin

letting them peer in

like I'm an artificial sunset

on standby

so take a few more sips

let euphoria set in

from the movement of our hips

and this will keep me happy 

a fleeting, self-collapsing kind of happy

but happy all the same

for I don't want to feel right now, 

or I simply feel nothing at all

I need to feel anything

but this small

this stuff-me-inside-out

so fill the empty bowl,

this lack of fulfillment

still it

with ice cream, bourbon, sniffs,

and let the screen flash me away

I just can't face this day, 

let this hopelessness be forgotten for a while,

and let the stranger I hate 

come comfort me, 

defile me, 

then use the credit card,

swipe till I'm hard, 

then wet, tired and dry

used, abused,

and feeling even more

impossibly raw and shriveled, empty

I've finally lost count of how many

times I've tried to slip away

only to turn my head on the way out the door

because

"God, I can"t freakin take this anymore!"

and 

"I don't want to feel like this no more."

please...

"No more."

so I take out the poker chips again,

gamble my everything and slip

and let this 

break my broken 

even more.