The Blood That Made Me Feel Again

I was happy when she left

The lack of drip drip

In my underwear 

Meant I was not not

Here anymore

I felt not here anymore

Sometimes I still feel

Barely

Just barely

Here anymore.

Like an empty corn husk rattling

In an eerie wind

As a silver-haired storyteller

Weaves a beautiful world

Out of his words,

 With his pointed nails

That has long faded away.

I have faded

Faded to gray

To almost nothing

When she left me

I think I forgot what tomorrow was

Yesterday

She came back

That familiar soak

But I didn't sigh

Let dignity hold me

And wrapped up toilet paper 

To put on my stained underwear.

That whole day 

She made me grin unforgivingly

In a sorrowful sort of way

For she was here

Maybe

Just maybe

I could stay too.

I think I forgot

That there is such a thing

As returning

As renewal

That empty is a part of the cycle

But then fill fill full

Spill over in happiness, in joy.

So I sit here

Stare hypnotized at the drip drip drop

Red diffuses and swirls in the toilet bowl

And I refuse the little pills

That will relieve me of this

Pain

I love this pain

It is so forgotten.

It is so beautiful.

She says

Maybe in a few years

Maybe more

You will not be forever alone

You will be somebodies home

And this mind that shakes

And shakes and shakes

With no sound

An empty coin purse,

A dirty rag, 

Has a body 

That is somehow fixed

That will live

Has a body, a vessel that will hold

Someone

She says

"You will be okay."

And I say

" Welcome home."