The process of drowning

This is an attempt at a poem written in a modernist point of view

Smoke surrounds me

My thoughts are jumbled

I can't see anything

Where am I?

Too much commotion

Too many people

Everyone is so close

Yet so distant from each other

What's wrong with you all?

Working, sweating, dying for acceptance

When in reality

No one cares

You're all empty

Emotionless bodies with a set routine

You do nothing for yourselves

Human are devastation

I wish to inform you on your ways

But you never listen

You will wish you did

When your world falls to pieces

Author's Note

Please tell me what you think!

Reviews

[C. Rose]

Favorite parts are the first and last stanzas.
I recommend avoiding "so", or at least not using them is close proximity. It weakens the emphasis of an already weak "so" to use two of them.

[I Am Svetlana]

I agree with you completely! I feel there's no point in trying to tell people the right thing to do or how to survive if they won't bother to listen to you. It's not about who's smarter or any of that, it's about who's willing to do whatever it takes in order to survive. Isn't that what the end of the world is about? We've been preparing for that a few years now and look? Nothing's happened, we are still here like we've always been. Selfish, complaining...how can we call ourselves human anymore if all we do is nag, nag, nag?

[Girl With A Pen]

Very well written! :) 'Humans are devastation' that is my favorite stanza. Great ob

[A. Amos]

Interesting write and enjoyable read, keep up the good work

[Patience]

Thank you! xox

[A. Amos]

you're most welcome

[Rim]

I like the general theme, and the words " drowning ", " smoke" and "dying" always draw my attention as they draw everyone's. and I like how it starts up being romantic then dark. :D

[Patience]

Thank you so much!