My Revelation

This is a personal reflection of my life and what I experienced in the first two months of the new year. It's not professional writing, more like a journal entry.

It took a lot of time and effort to make myself write down how I felt. I didn't understand what was happening with my life and what caused me to suddenly lose my sense of direction. So I started analyzing my feelings and thoughts in an effort to recognize myself and somehow I found that the only emotion I knew was loss. I planned on writing down exactly what I felt but all I could think about was how disconnected I felt with the world. I came to the conclusion that I had finally lost what defined me because I was depending on others to tell me who I was. When my patience ran out I figured that the only way to escape from this reality and reconnect with the things I loved was to change everything that insulted my soul.

I found two things about myself and it changed my perception about life. There is a difference between the person that I am and the one I pretend to be. For the past two years, I was engaging myself with things that I thought would bring me the greatest of happiness and value because I convinced myself that my parents had my best interests in mind.  It wasn’t until I felt the loss of their love and respect till I understood that everything I accomplished over my life was only for their cruel satisfaction. The person that they influenced me to be was not the same as the girl I wanted to be defined as. However, there was a point in my life when I felt content because following their orders made me feel spiritually awakened by the notion that my actions were making others happy. But, I failed to realize that in the midst of all that I wasn’t making myself happy. And in this chaos I lost myself and insulted my soul beyond words can ever describe.  

I spent a week lying alone in my bed trying to find things that would help heal my soul. But all I could find was that the longer I spent thinking about my problems, the more detached from everything I felt. The only way that I could escape from my tangled and deranged life was to change everything about me. And in that moment of clarity I discovered that all along my painful journey of self-healing, I wasn’t alone. Since I couldn’t find the courage to look up and appreciate the things around me, I missed out on all the signs that the universe was trying to tell me.

I read a quote once that said that when the universe wants you to change, it’ll make you so uncomfortable that you’ll have no choice. That’s when I realized what the meaning of life was and I decided to stop looking for answers and instead letting them come to me. I don’t know whether it was my subconscious telling me to let go or the divine voice of god, but when I heard it, I gave up all of my past and let the universe absorb me. This might be what some call a leap of faith or a huge risk but either way I knew that looking back was only going to cause me pain. And even though I still had to deal with the consequences of disappointing my parents, I knew I could do it. Not because I know that the universe or a divine being in the sky is watching over me and protecting me from my problems, but because my soul felt lighter the moment I decided to let go. And that was all the reassurance I needed. I didn’t need a sign from god or the universe, and I didn’t need the approval of another human being. The solution to my struggles was always inside me, all I had to do was peel off the layers of dreams, hopes and goals that others had placed on me and replace them with my own.

I don’t know how I figured it out. In one tiny moment, I transformed from a lost soul into a lively human being with a piece of the universe flowing through her. I never believed in myself because I refused to see myself as a perfect and intelligent soul. While writing this I had to stop and ask myself how many people will I need to pretend to be before I can become myself? I still don’t know what I’m doing next and I have no idea what I need to do to make things alright. But what I did realize is that as long as I let go of my defenses and open up to everything the universe has to offer without fighting it, I can get through anything. The only weapon I need to solve all my problems is a good heart and a clean soul and as long as I promise to love myself each day I’ll continue to overcome my obstacles.

Maybe one day everything will make sense and I’ll understand why people suffer the way they do, and I’ll know how the universe works.