Questioning & Wandering In My Thoughts

These days a smile seems so far away from
me. Maybe the slight odd chuckle at something

I see online. Is the closest I get to one in reality.

And to really have a smile, so wide on my face

 would be glorious, to say the least.

To look like a "Cheshire Cat" as I grin myself to

death with happiness. I wish.

I feel overwhelmed with sadness and dramatic, extreme

emotions at times. All to do with bad things. Cancer,

death, dying, life, humans even, where you have got

to appease others all the time. And actually, forget

about oneself.

I don't ask for much in life, just a bit of peace, calm and

harmony. And also to where everyone is well and content.

More so my husband gets cured of Cancer, to which is

my major goal in his and our life.

Cancer really makes you question life, your validity, your

mortality and all reason why you are even born?

I even make you more determined to not die in a way. As

you get angry, frustrated, upset, pissed off, confused and annoyed,

Because you have it. And you don't want it to tell you

how to live your life. As you feel not in control anymore.

Of something that chooses if you are going to die and when.

You hate the pity some people express towards you or else the ignorance

they act towards you. Like oh, it's nothing having Cancer?  When actually

it's a big deal. You would not be saying that if it was you who had it?

It changes you away. More than before you had it. That is understandable,

to say the least on that one. As before you just cruised along thinking you were

invincible and untouchable.

You understood you could die one day, we all know that.

But when it hits you like being told by someone else. That is

totally different. If that makes senses?

Then again in life, nothing makes senses at times. We plod along. doing our

thing. Learning, growing, developing and mixing with others and multiplying

with births and sex. And relationships. Work and recreation activities.

Who knows?  I am waffling now. Just expressing my thoughts on paper so to

speak, to get them out for me.

I know life for most people is not "a golden spoon. handed to you on a golden platter

". It's hardwork, dedication, and never giving in. No matter what. But

that is easy said than done. For some folks. Even before you are stuck with Cancer.

Who starts to rule your destiny if it can.