CHAPTER THREE

            I should be talking with Perry the Platypus, I said deep inside me. OH! I almost forgot about my phone. I could message him with my phone, oh sweet Jesus. Empress kept on talking about the hot guys at the place that we were heading to, that they were waiting for me because Empress told them about me, but I wasn’t listening because Mr. Perry was online and left me a message 37 minutes ago.

            Perry the Platypus: Good Morning Paris! (a dancing sun-emoticon)

     Me: Good Morning, what time is it there?

     Perry the Platypus: 2:36, there?

     Me: oh 6 hours time difference, you sure at the opposite side of the world. Just woke up?

     Perry the Platypus: Yeah.

     Me: …

     Perry the Platypus: What are you doing?

     Me: Uhm, gonna go somewhere with my best friend?

     Perry the Platypus: oh, I see.

     Me: …

     Perry the Platypus: uhm… haha I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry.

Me: that’s okay, I have to go now anyway, I’ll just message you again later.

I easily got bored. I was kind of disappointed because I thought he could entertain me. Oh well.

8:45PM when we arrived at the Parker’s residence. I called mom and told her that we just arrived. Then Empress grabbed their home phone from me and told my mom that we won’t be able to call for the rest of the night because we were there to enjoy. And my mom said ok. Then Empress gave me a wink. Mr. and Mrs. Parker were not home actually; they went for a business trip. She dragged me to her room, opened the closet and picked clothes. I lied down on her bed.

            “You didn’t tell me that your parents aren’t here.”

            “What’s the problem about that?”

           “I know you and your parents ok. You won’t drag me to this some sort of stuff if you’re not allowed. I mean, I know they won’t allow you to go to bars or clubs anyway.”

            “That’s why we have to take the chances tonight so we can go party hard. Them hot boys are waitin’ for me. For us.”

            I choked. “No way.” I got up and reached for my bag, heading home. “Not gonna come with you. Bye, have fun.” She caught me and held for my wrist so tight.

“Cmon. Ok, just wear jeans or whatever you’re comfortable with. Then uhm, I won’t make them touch you once we’re there. I won’t let them hook up with you, I swear!” Empress was a kind of bitchy-party-goer-girl if you would imagine, but once she swore or promised, she never break one. Not even once, not ever.

“Okay okay, you know I can’t resist you anyway.” I said patting her head

We dressed up. She put in sparkling stripes of white and gray tank tops; which hanged and kind of exposed her pierced belly button, topped with a black leather jacket, a denim shorts; exposing her perfectly-shaped legs and a black low cut flat boots. While me, an orange pullover jacket with an “Obey” word at its center, skinny jeans and a black pair of Pony. I was actually clueless of what to expect at the place, what if it is too hot there and I am wearing a pullover jacket? So I then at least brought a plain gray v-neck shirt with me, if ever.

            “Ready to go?”      

            “Yeah, let’s go.”

            “WOW FRANCES BLAIRE, IS IT GETTING YOU EXCITED ALREADY? THAT IS SO G---“

            “So we can go home early.” I said cutting her off.

            “Great.” She continued. “Whatever, let’s go.” Then we drove off.

Empress was driving, and I was at the back seat lying with my phone. I was really not in the mood to go. Almost 20 minutes of her, driving silently, finally she spoke.

            “You know what, there’s this guy who I had made out with; just kissing and touching. He’s such a hottie and…”

            “Not interested.” I said eyes closed. Can I just sleep instead?

            “Seriously girl, are you a man-hater? Don’t tell me you’re a lesbian. Oh my god.”

            “No. I’m just content being alone. I mean, with reading books, painting... I mean…”

            “You can’t live like that… forever… there’s no harm socializing.”

            “I AM socializing?”

            “Where, at the internet? Yeah, that will bring you somewhere.” She said sarcastically.

After almost 30 minutes of her telling that I should get a boyfriend and her, telling me stories about the guys she made out with (Just kissing and touching), we finally got to the place. It’s just a small bar far away from the villages of the city. It seemed like an abandoned one-storey commercial something. Until Empress told me that, every late night it becomes “Party Place”, that was how they call it, which the other teenagers would set up. It’s illegal.

            “I guess the cops got tired of chasing us. They didn’t bother to ask us to leave this place anymore.” She shrugged.

As we walked in, I noticed that there were no much people and it was smoky, Oh my God. Cigars? I covered almost half of my lower face.

            As if she was reading my mind, “This is not cigar smoke, don’t worry.” Then she showed me a deep and long inhale. And said, “This is from pots, weeds, or marijuana… whatever you call it. They said it can cure cancer. Just inhale it.”

            “I don’t have cancer. Let’s get out of here. I am so done.”

            “This can prevent your cancer cells from growing, I should say?” She said almost laughing and held me by my wrist again.

We walked pass the smokes, with Empress waving and saying Hi to some new faces. I asked if she knew them and she said no, and that, she just wanted new friends. Oh, so that’s how she makes friends. Yep, I didn’t know how to socialize “face-to-face” but at least, I know how to smile. We walked across the place until we reached a door, which I think was the backdoor. She opened it and wow. I didn’t expect this small place to have a nice and spacious backyard. And all of the people were there, smoking, eating, dancing and making out. Wow.

          “Promise me you will never leave me here. And we’ll go home before midnight strikes. Promise me Empress.” I said so scared, so scared to be tempted. I saw a lot of hot guys and they were looking at me... smiling at me. Everyone knew that I never liked boys but ugh, I had hidden desires for them ok; I’m still a girl after all.

            “I promise. Oh look, see that guy sitting alone? He’s been looking at you. Wanna say hi or whatever?” She said while we were both looking at the guy’s way though not directly.

            “Uhm, I don’t know.” Then the guy stood up from his seat, I was pulling down the sleeves of Empress’ jacket, some sort of a signal.

            He was getting closer, “Hi there Empress.” He greeted her. Then his eyes met mine. “Seems like you have finally convinced your friend to come and take a visit here?” Oh my god, his smile was so perfect! And his voice, sexy voice oh my, I’m melting.

            “Uh yeah. France this is Dane, Dane this is France.” Empress introduced then Dane and I shook hands.

            “Uhm, hi.” I said, as usual, awkwardly.

            “France, I have to go to the bathroom, give me a minute please.” I knew this was just one of Empress’ pretty lame excuses. “You stay.” I whispered back. Too late, she already left.

            “You want a drink?” Dane said as he took my attention back to him.

            “Just water… or juice please. No alcohols.” Then he took me at the small couch where he was sitting before we saw him.  He came back with an iced tea in both hands then handed me one. “Thanks.”

            “So how’s the place for you?”

            “Uhm, never been in this kind of place though. I feel like I don’t fit here. And I also feel like leaving, like, now.”

            “Don’t leave yet. Try to enjoy the place? Fun is waiting for you.”

            “I don’t think so.” I know I was acting like s**t like, throwing the diamond in the ocean.

            I thought he was going to leave me there hanging, “You have to like this place. I will make you love it.” I looked at him. He wasn’t grinning or smiling maniacally. Sweet smile you can say? He looked back at me and damn, he has these beautiful gray eyes that were making me want to…

Then I looked away. I could flirt with him if I want though. No to temptation.

It’s almost midnight and I got comfortable talking and eating pizzas and nachos with him. Empress was still not back. I knew it, lame excuse.

All the foods there were good; better than those in restos. But I felt like there’s something weird. I felt weird. I suddenly caught myself being so happy,that I kept on literally laughing out loud with Dane. Then I saw Empress making her way to us.

            “Guess who’s having fun!” then she looked at our small table. “How’s the pizza, nachos and iced tea mixed with weeds huh? Are they good?” She said with a hyper tone.

            “What weeds?” I laughed. “huh?” then I laughed again.

            “You are so high, I love you like that!” She said as she sat and moved her arms round my neck. Dane sort of glared at her because he did not want me to know that all the foods there were mixed with weeds. Even those damn brownies.

My sight was getting blurry; I knew I was sleepy, stoned. I closed my eyes then I heard Empress bid goodbye to Dane because it’s almost midnight, which she promised me we would go home before midnight strikes.

I finally fell in a deep sleep. 

Reviews

[Emma Olsen]

How did she get in touch with the platypus guy? They seem to have short, not very involved conversations, so I kind of want to see why both of them are investing in this and how they came to know each other. To be honest, I'm not sure I would keep up with someone a whole lot if those conversations were the ones I was having with them. They're not bad convos, but I think they need to hit it off more and have things they can talk about so they know they have at least some small things in common, even if he won't reveal details about himself. Maybe she keeps pestering him about where he lives and all those personal details and etc, but right now I'm not entirely sure I'm convinced why they both seem so dedicated to talking to each other (having just met each other) when she has a life outside of him that seems very active. I think there just needs to be more hints of a connection OR a reason they need to talk. (It could be as simple as she likes his profile picture or name or she likes the attention, but there needs to be some reason for her.) His reasons can be a mystery, but she should very obviously have some kind of interest in him to keep up the convo.
Also, Empress is TOTALLY not coming off as bitchy to me, she sounds like she just wants to help her friend have a good time, even if it's misguided help or unwanted help. Try not to form her into some misguided popular girl trope - she has feelings, desires, and issues, too. She clearly seems to want the best for her friend but doesn't seem to understand what's best for her. Don't make her whole life center around Frances either - especially if you're describing her as popular. There don't seem to be a whole lot of other people that Empress is socializing with outside of Frances. Maybe she should know people when they enter the club? I also think that Frances needs more internal monologue about why, exactly, she doesn't want to go out and do things - even if it's something she won't tell Empress. It keeps getting brought up, so some insight into her motivations is key. I feel like I still know barely anything about her and this is the third chapter. She talks about wanting to avoid temptation - why? Where has she gotten the idea that giving into 'temptation' would be 'bad?' Her parents? Society? A strict upbringing? Some other, personal, reason?
(Also, a side-note: anything I've tasted with weed in it has pretty much universally been awful and it's pretty easy to tell something's weird about it. lol Now, I really hate weed and try to avoid it as much as possible, so there might be someone who's really mastered the making of edibles, but I've found even if it tastes decent it doesn't really mask the gross taste, so I'm not sure this is coming across as believable right now. I'd also venture to say that weed would not be a good drug to use to get someone in bed with you. lol Maybe she should just have some really well-mixed alcohol in her drinks? Though, now that I'm thinking about it, why is she refusing alcohol here and then drinking by herself?)
Again, you have good dialogue, but your grammar is making it sound really choppy and my lack of understanding the main character's motives is making it sound a bit odd. It's fine if she acts contradictory sometimes, but you need to make sure you really back-up her thought process so that the reader understands why.

[Gen Escarda]

noted. thanks!

[Gen Escarda]

is my work really that bad? :( haha i'll try my best to improve it :)

[Emma Olsen]

No, I don't think it's bad. As I'm reading it seems like you do have a good eye for interesting dialogue (which would be a huge benefit for you if you go into screen or playwriting!), but this definitely reads like a rough draft to me rather than a finished, polished piece. I think this character has a potential to be really interesting, but right now I think you're having an issue with revealing motivation, as I said, so she's not connecting with me properly right now. Please also keep in mind I'm really thorough and long-winded, so I do this on a lot of pieces. lol My professor in college stopped calling on me at one point because I was contributing too much. I think you have a good set of characters but a lot of what's stopping you up is the grammar, to be honest. I feel as though some issues might be resolved if you clear that up. In terms of flow, I'm not having a lot of difficulty actually reading your work or comprehending it (I think that's one of the worst issues and author could have, actually) on a surface level. I think this has the potential for a really interesting character with an interesting voice and I actually like her, I just am asking questions to make you think and figure out ways to really flesh her out better. Alright? =P

[Emma Olsen]

*one of the worst issues AN author could have, sorry. lol

[Emma Olsen]

Also I totally wrote a story with a cliched, b***h friend in high school and now I read that story and shake my head. Not that you're totally writing that, but I'm just more sensitive to that because I've made that mistake.

[Emma Olsen]

Okay, sorry for spamming comments, but I think you might want to check out Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series. She writes that spunky, unpredictable character type really well. They're all crime dramas with a lot of romance. I don't know what your parents are like or anything, since it says on your profile you're 17, but it has some sex scenes in it, just to, like . . . mention that. lol I really feel bad, I didn't mean to make you feel disheartened. I wouldn't critique if I didn't find something good in it, really!