Losing What Was Never Mine

There is guilt in mourning something you never had

I have a heavy kind of sorrow

from losing something

that was never mine to lose, 

mind straying to what could have been

haphazardly dreaming about

scenarios that were never meant to be,

bending to the will of some unknown force

that lives inside me 

and aches for the world to be different

than it was when I ran from

the words that haunt me at night

and I am wracked with guilt

for hurting those who only wanted the best for me, 

letting my stuttering heart decide

what what would make up the rest of me,

even as I am drowning in the ocean

it put me in,

this sorrow keeps breaking me

repeatedly screaming what I may have done wrong

and I am chained to my body

losing something over and over again

that I have no right to mourn