Leaving What Makes Me Happy

I run away from happiness time and time again even when it looks me in the eyes and tells me to stay

You said, 
“I don’t know if fear is a good enough reason
to lose someone you care about
you cut people out as if they are nothing, 
an ingrown memory of something you were too paralyzed by
to try to explore
and you know that you are drowning in an ocean that you filled 
with your own insecurities
but there are people that are trying to help you swim
you ignore every lifesaver they throw 
because you are too afraid that they will drown too
it doesn’t work like that
there is a way that you can be happy and still survive
you don’t have to suffocate with the expectation 
that you need to be alone
because being alone only makes you more scared
and everyone around you thinks that you are okay
with being lonely
even though it is eating you from the inside
I know that living is hard for you, 
you put out the light that would guide you home a long time ago, 
but that doesn’t mean that flame
can’t be created again”
I smiled knowing everything you said was right
and still, 
I walked away.