When I Was Thirteen

I never thought that I would survive, but here I am

When I was thirteen

I thought that I wouldn’t make it through the year

birthdays felt like due dates

that I was never going to make

and each day brought me closer

to my ultimate fate of nothingness. 

My bones felt like they were 

filled with lead

and my eyelids sank as if they

only knew how to fall

like the rest of my body

into sleep. 

I thought each moment was

a ticking time bomb

that was going to blow up

and leave my family to mourn

the life of someone who chose not to live it anymore. 

I was so broken by my own brain

that nothing seemed worth it 

and the easiest thing would have been

to step into the water

and let my leaden bones 

pull me down. 

When I was thirteen

I saw nothing but emptiness

within my own chest

and a body that would soon be useless. 

When I was thirteen

I did not know what the future held for me

with laughter and love

and everything I would eventually dream of.

When I was thirteen

I was wrong

about most everything,

especially that I would never make it

through the year. 

Reviews

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Many young people struggle with life but go on to live. You capture and share the essence of your experience in this sad but uplifting poem.

[Amaya]

I felt the same way when I was 14/15. Thank you for sharing this, it is a very powerful poem.

[Amanda Trerotola]

I completely feel this. I was exactly the same way through my teenage years which I hope to write about. Here we are though, alive. :)

[George David Hope]

Really really liked this poem as I was in the same situation about 11 years. I live near the coast and for nearly a year I had to fight the urge to take a long walk off a short cliff. But I managed to fight the urge as I knew I had a daughter who was only 3 at the time. It was so bad that it cost me my relationship with my ex. I have never told anyone this before.

[Ally Ann]

I am glad that you are here, alive and sharing your words. It is hard for us to see the future when our judgement is so clouded by various things. For me, I later realized just how misguided and lost my this time of my life had made me. Finding that reason to live is so important, and I am happy that you found yours.

[Chris]

One very, very real description of Depression with a cap "D".

[Ally Ann]

That is something I know very well, but I also have come to know that there is so much worth at sticking it out and living.

[KCthelastboyscout]

As we grow older I think we are able to understand we have the ability to overcome the obstacles in our life.i am so glad you overcame this adversity and were able to become who you are now

[Ally Ann]

I think we get that ability from experience. As cliche as it is "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger" is an accurate statement for us all. I think surviving something like depression or another mental health problem shows us exactly what we are capable of.