She Was

Something I wrote a while back, about a not knowing how much you mean to someone until it is too late

"It's beautiful, the way she was. Everything she did radiated purpose and grace. She was who she wanted to be. She was who she was meant to be. It was wonderful. She didn't looked at me much. She didn't look at anyone really. She daydreamed. She wished on stars, but never took advantage of those wishes. She made each of them perfect before, quietly, she wished them on one of the millions of stars. She knew how to live her life to the maximum, but never stop dreaming for more. She was content with what she had, but still was ready for greater things. She was wonderful in the way she was. She was the closest to perfect I have ever seen. She was so imperfect that it made her perfect. She was okay with being imperfect. She was okay with everything she couldn't fix herself. Otherwise, she would go out and fix it. She could move the moon if she wanted to get a better view of the sky.

I wish I knew what was going on in her head. I guess it would have been colorful, but tastefully colored. It wouldn't be a bunch of colors that didn't fit like the girls trying to be creative and artsy. They would be blues and greens, but also blacks and greys. Those were her favorite colors. She told me that once. She stared at the sky and then the ground as she said it. They give life and hope to the hopeless, she said, they give me the same. I thought about it that night. How two colors could mean so much to someone. I thought about her too. I thought about how she didn't seem to care, but when you asked her she did. She never seemed to care. But she did. She saw light, but she also saw darkness. When she looked at people it was unbiased and unbelievably beautiful. She could see right through someone. I wondered what she saw when she looked at me. Did she see who I was and who I was trying to be, or did she see who I used to be? I have all these questions I wish I knew.

One time I took a walk. I didn't know where I was going or why I was walking. I just knew I needed to walk. It was important to me. To this day I still don't know why, but on that walk I saw the world like She did. The blues were vibrant and the greens stood out against the hustle of every bodies lives. They had a new meaning in me as I searched of their life. In a willow I saw a family of birds. I don't know if they were happy, but looking at them I knew I was. I watched them as I slowly walked away trying to memorize how I was feeling. I tried to keep it in my head and heart. That feeling was similar to the way I felt when I looked at Her. Warm and infinite. Like I wouldn't grow up and get trapped in a reoccurring cycle of adult life. I felt like I would create a change for someone. It was the best feeling I had in a while.

I've been trying to talk to people more. I tried talking to her, but I chickened out at the last minute. She was so overwhelming and I lost my words. I don't know if she affected other like that or if I'm the only one. She was really quiet, so I don't know if people noticed her. I think she liked that, but I guess people think that about me too. Sometimes it's not true. I know she was smart because when she raised her hand in class she got every question right. When she didn't raise her hand I saw her write the answer down on the black notebook she brought everywhere. She didn't raise her hand very often. Maybe that's why I appreciated her. She was like me. But she was beautiful. In every way.

That's why I'm here speaking in front of you. I needed to tell you about Her. I wasn't close to her and we didn't talk much, but I saw a spark in her. Most of you don't know who I am, but I loved her. I wish I would have told her sooner. Before she left. She was one of the things that brought light to my life even if she didn't know it. I wish she had known it. So here I am. Remembering her with all of you. And I hope she knows that I'm in pain every day I don't see her sitting in front of me writing something, anything. I hope she knows that she's the reason I'm alive today. I just hope she knows how much I loved her and that I wish I would have told her how much she was worth. How much she meant to me. She was amazing. She really was."

Author's Note

I wrote this a long time ago, so it's not my best, but I've been thinking about it lately for some reason

Reviews

[sammy gassonit]

The descriptions are beautiful!