Cold Feet

What is it like to feel unmatched and broken. One persons soul search for truth, herself and love.

     I wanted to wait until I was different. More like me than what you saw. I needed to reintroduce myself to the world.  So, I haven’t seen you for awhile; five years maybe.  I just left back then.  It was so different in those days. I was so different.   I was trying so hard to be what everyone wanted me to be and I had no idea what I needed for me.  I had to leave. I hated leaving but, how could I give myself to someone…ever… when I hadn’t even given myself me. How could I do that to someone.. How could I do that to me.. I needed to know if … I needed something.. I needed me.  I needed to figure out what was wrong..why I felt broken. I didn’t want to leave you.. I knew I shouldn’t have left.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain. I know I can’t ask you to understand.. I just hope you listen while I try.

 I remember though, the last day we talked.   I told you I’d gotten a new job, overseas.  Remember that?

            “I’m going overseas”

“When?” you asked.  I toyed with the idea of telling you the truth. I was really only going two states away. 

“Tomorrow.  It’s a detail assignment. I can’t really talk much about it, but I am really looking forward to it.”

“Wow.  Where are you going? Is this a new job?? I thought you were just admin or something.”

“I am.. but, this is a detail. You know I’ve always wanted to work as an agent.. well, on this detail I get to work with agents. Maybe this will be my in.  We’re going to be somewhere in Europe.”

Big continent.  No way to pin point me down. “I’ll call you when I get there and let you know where I am.”

“Ok.. How long will you be gone. This is so cool!”

“Not sure.. 6 months maybe.. maybe a little longer..”  Cool is right.. I’m getting a new identity to go along with this gig.

“Tomorrow??  When did you find out?”

“Yesterday.”  The money for my first surgery came through yesterday.. I’ll be working from home in Ohio, but that’s neither here nor there.

 “I’m sure we can still email. I’m not really sure of all the rules. They said they’d fill me in when I got there.”   As soon as I find an apartment.. I’ll send an email.. I want to make sure I can still find you when I come back.

“Wow.. Ok.. I don’t know what to say.. I’m jealous.. Six months in Europe!!! That’s a dream! Be sure to take lots of pictures and please email me.”

“I will.”

That was how we left. Me making vague references to changes in my life and you following along with a lie I’d spent the entire night concocting.

            I have really missed you.  When I left,  I knew I would miss you, but, it was harder than I thought.  At first I thought that maybe I should keep up with you by sending an email here and there.  I didn’t. I was scared I would say more than I should.. Let’s face it, the blank page just begs for you to divulge all of your secrets.  This secret though… was one I thought I needed to keep. So, every time I wanted to send an email.. I just wrote you’re a letter instead.  I would write the letter, date it, put it in an envelope and then put it in a drawer.  I have them still. As a matter of fact, I brought them. I probably wrote about 3 or 4 letters a week. 

            I often wondered about how you were doing.  Were you happy?  Did you think about me .. even once. I often had conversations with you. I would imagine your responses. Sometimes you were so happy to see me and sometimes, you were so upset, sad or even angry.  I imagined you being angry more often than just happy to see me. How could I blame you?  I’d promised to keep in touch and then I’d left.  But, today, I’m back to try to explain why I  had to go away.  I had to do this. I needed to be different.  I really just hope today I can finally say hello. 

            I’m not the same. Well, that’s not exactly true. I’m still me inside.  Nothing about me the person has  changed, but I hope you can see past the changes outside to see it’s still me.  Back then, when I looked in the mirror, I saw me, but, I didn’t feel like I matched.  I knew that was what I looked like, but, I knew that’s not what I felt like. How do you explain that split feeling you get when you know something is not quite right. 

            If you could take a picture of what I feel, I wonder what you would get.  Back then, I was hurting. The differences were finally too much. I wanted to be whole. I just felt so distant from myself.  I was giving the world what it saw and keeping me in a box; the real me.  I ‘m not sure I’ve figured out if this was the way to go. I debated about it for so long, but I knew I’d have to do something.. because doing nothing was not working. So, I left.

            When I first left, I was excited. When I got to Ohio, I realized the enormity of my decision. I was contemplating the biggest change of my life and no one was there to help me.  I’d just left everyone and everything I knew behind.  That first night, in my hotel room I am almost left and drove home.  I got up and went down to the front desk to check out. I still had everything in the car. All I needed to do was leave. When I got out of the elevator, there was a full length mirror across the hallway. I looked at that mirror and saw what I hated most in life. Me. I was alone, scared and not sure what the hell I was doing, but, looking into that mirror, more than anything, I was determined to do… something. I think I may have written about it in some of my letters.  I’d tried to capture my transition in a journal, but I probably wrote more in those letters than I did in the journal. If I don’t give you these letters, I might reread them myself.  Maybe it’ll help me understand how it all happened.

            The day I started writing you letters, I needed to talk. 

I found a psychiatrist today.  The doctor says I need a letter from him to make it happen. Unfortunately, the psychiatrist won’t just sign off on the documentation.  We have to talk.  Today, I met him and I don’t know what else to tell him.  He made me complete this crazy questionnaire  before I got there and then when I got there all we did was go over my answers.  Why complete it before I get there, if we’re just going to go through it again.  I hope every session is not going to be about those damn questions. I lied on most of them I think.. I just want him to sign the paperwork.  Really, why do you care.. just sign.. If I f**k up, then I live with it.. Not you.

I bet you’re wondering why I needed a psychiatrist. Funny, me too. 

Eve

My apartment is not bad.. it’s more like a room than an apartment.  But, it has all the essentials and it’s cheap. I need to save every penny I can.  This is getting to be so freaking expensive and all I’ve done is talk to people.  I made some decisions today though. I won’t change things too much. Just subtle changes, so it won’t be so hard. I thought about calling my family.  Maybe I should before I can’t … they think I’m overseas too.  I am writing them letters too.  I have pen pals in three countries.  They bought about 30 post cards each for me.. I write on the post card, address it to someone in the family and then put it in an envelope to one of my pen pal friends and they mail it to the US after they get it. They never ask why.. they just do it.. I have a cell phone from Germany, with a real german number.. it’s costing me a mint every time my mom calls..

I hope you are doing ok.  I want to call you. I thought about using the same phone number.  Maybe this weekend, I’ll call. I know all of this planning seems a little over the top, but, it’s worth it.. this is my chance to make things right. I will explain later.. I promise.

Eve

I wanted to come here earlier, but each time I planned this trip, I let my imagination take over. I think you’re going to be upset with me for disappearing as I did. Even though I wrote, I never called and those letters just sat in a drawer. I addressed the envelopes each time and I thought many times that I should send them, but.. I didn’t.  I could almost hear your disappointment, your anger, even fear. I wasn’t ready to face that. I’m not even sure I can face it today.  But, I’ve gotten this far. 

So,   here I am outside your house, sitting in my car; letters in hand.  If I do nothing else, I WILL DELIVER these letters. That at least has to stay in my plan.  I want you to know why I’ve been out of touch. Maybe the letters will help still the blow. Maybe there will be no “blow”. Maybe, you’re ok with it all… maybe .. you’re not even home. A lot of maybe’s, all just excuses for me to go. Maybe I shouldn’t have come… Maybe I should just leave you alone.

I got great news today!  Well, I think it’s great news.. it’s at least a step in the right direction. At the psychiatrist office today, we actually talked about what I want to do as if he was going to sign. He actually wanted to know if I’d chosen a new name to match my new me. I hadn’t really thought about it.. I’ve been Eve for so long, who else would I be.  I never thought I’d be attached to something so simple. How could it have that much meaning? It’s how I’ve been known.. so simple and yet… a very strong identity to uphold. Eve. I never gave it much thought before.  With it gone, will I really still be me? But, that’s the whole point, I don’t want to be this.. Eve.. I want to be me.. inside. Me hidden, me.. the one I think I’m meant to be…. But, what about Eve… He said it like Eve was some sort of tumor to be removed. Eve is not the problem really… Eve is just the manifestation of what I can’t be.

E.

I don’t think I can go through with this.. too many people will be affected.. my friends, my family, co-workers, all the people I know.. and you.  I keep wondering if you’re going to be ok with all of this. Will it take you even further away from me.. further than the distance I’ve already made.  Maybe I’ve already lost you forever.  But, before, … I don’t know.. before, I hope we were a little more than friends.. maybe something in between.. maybe I’m just doing this for all the wrong reasons.. maybe this isn’t what I need.. maybe it won’t make it better.. you know.. make it possible.. maybe all of this just isn’t right. I want you of all people to understand. Before I do anything else… maybe it’s time for me to go home.

Eve

I called your phone tonight. I heard you say hello. Just knowing you were still there.. at the same number. It meant something.. I’m sorry I hung up. I am just not ready to explain why I can’t come home. I miss you though. I miss … just hanging out.. laughing at things that really aren’t that funny.. but, it was to us J!!!!   I miss just having someone with whom I could talk.. share my secrets.. almost all anyway.. I’m sure we both have held some things back.. But, you know me better than most.. I didn’t tell you before because I’m not even sure I knew or understood. I looked up a lot of stuff on the internet.. made a few calls, but nothing concrete.. nothing real.. that’s why I left.. to find out.. is it real.. is this what I need.. before I tell anyone.. even you.. I needed to know for me. I hope you can forgive me for not letting you in.

E.

It’s hard here. I work from home and I really only go out when I have an appointment.  I make sure no one sees me when I leave my apartment.  I order everything I need online.. I have a sofa bed and an elliptical.  It’s not a bad setup.. just no real physical human contact. I joined an online community.. funny how even there, I’m the odd one out.. everyone else seems to know what they are doing..

This can be the biggest mistake of my life and here I am .. trying to convince myself it’s what I need.  I started a journal, but I haven’t really written anything in it.. except why and.. I don’t know.. I wonder what you would say.. I thought about that.. What would you say… let’s see..

If you were here, you’d tell me to take my time.. there’s no rush.. I wouldn’t say anything out loud,  but, inside,  I would say.. my whole life has been me taking time.. when is it time?? I know you’d ask me if this is what will make me happy.. and I’d tell you I wasn’t sure.. that I just wasn’t right.. not like this.. You’d ask me what makes me think I’m not right.. and I’d try to explain..

How do I explain? You know how when you buy peanuts.  They come in a shell.. and everyone looks at the peanut with the shell and say.. oh.. you have peanuts. But, the peanut is really what’s inside the shell not the shell and the thin layer of stuff around it.. you know.. the actual part you eat.. that’s the peanut.. the other stuff is just packaging.

Maybe this is better.. you know when you buy a new cell phone, a lot of people go out and immediately buy a protective case.  Like I did.. Well, my case make s my phone look much different than the actually phone.. With the case on it.. it’s bulky and big and fits well in your hand.. and the screen is slightly blurry.. not enough to really notice, but the other screen on top of my phone’s own screen, takes away a little from the images on my phone.. also, you may think my phone is blue.  And you call it.. my phone.. and it is.. but, if you take it out of that case, you get this slim and much smaller BLACK phone.. with  GREAT screen contrast and images.. and its frail and it doesn’t fit in your hand like it did with the shell.. Your hand is the bigger prey now.

Well, I guess, I feel like the shell I’m wearing doesn’t match up with the phone or peanut inside.. just like my phone’s case.. they are similar, but different.. you can see me through the case, but, the case distorts what is really inside.. that’s probably a really bad explanation.. you’d say.. ok.. but, I’d know .. you really didn’t understand..

E. (or Eve)

I never stopped.  I just kept moving through…  I went to the appointments without thinking.. I just kept to the schedule. No changes, no thinking .. just doing it. Sometimes, I thought that maybe I was running from something.. or maybe I was running to something. I still don’t know. But, I’m here now.  And that question is still unanswered. I hope today will help. I fully expect you to be very angry with me.

I knock on your door.. “Hello”

“Hey, I’m back”

“Back from where.. do I know you”

Of course you’ll recognize me..

“Hey.. I’m back”

“Eve?”  you’ll say, shocked, of course. Not really a question.. just.. shock.

“Yea.. it’s me. Eve.”

“Where have you been? I thought something had happened…. “ and then you’ll stare at me.. with disbelief.  And then the shock will wear off and then I’ll see the anger.. and I imagine you will be very angry.. “EVE YOU SON OF A B***H”

Yes, I’m sure you’ll be angry.. you may even slam the door. How could I blame you? Who am I to just show up like this after so much time has passed without even an email or a simple call? I’m an idiot.. I should just go home. I ‘m sure you’ve moved on with your life. Me being here is just an intrusion.  I left and I need to stay gone…

But, I said I would give you these letters. Maybe, I should leave my card. Just in case you call.

I wish I could tell you about all of the changes I’ve been making in my life.  Things are different.  I’m different.  A little at a time, it’s like I’m becoming new. Almost like a rebirth. I want to tell you about these things.  I wish I could put into words how much this all means to me.  My biggest fear is that you won’t like all of the changes.  I can’t explain it, but I don’t think  I can handle it if you can’t deal with all of this. 

This thing; it’s making me feel whole for the first time.. I feel not so separate. You know like I’m always wearing a costume. Right now everything is feeling like someone else. But, someone how it’s right.. before I wanted people to see the inside.  Now, people are starting to see what I feel.. there are no dots to connect.

It’s not total.. just minor changes, but enough .. just enough that I’m different. No one here knew me before so, when they see me .. they see me.. the me I’ve always felt. I feel ….. free. For the first time, I feel like I’m really me.

I hope and pray you don’t reject me. I really can’t handle it .. all of this won’t mean anything if …well, I just hope you will be ok.

E.van

            Ok, I’m just going to get out of this car.  I’m can do this.  I might as well shut the door, because, out here, I’m fully exposed. If you’re home, I know you’ve seen me. Well, you’ve seen someone.. get out of their car across the street.  No turning back now. I’m out of the car and all I need to do is walk across the street. You can be mad. You can hit me.. slam the door in my face.  But, at least I can do one thing right.  Of all the things I promised, the least I can do is stick to this one.  I never emailed, I never called and until today.. I didn’t come back. But, today.. I will come back.. I will try to fix this. If I can get you to let me try to explain where I’ve been and why I left.  I know I can make it better. I hope I can make it better. At least I will try. I have missed so much and I know I can’t get it back and I know I can’t make up for what I’ve done, but, let me try.. please that all I’m asking God.  Please help me to explain.

I went outside today.  I know you’re probably wondering why that so important. I go outside all the time.  When I go to my appointments, sometimes I go for coffee or to the 7 eleven down the street to get a quick treat. I pump my own gas.  So, it’s not so significant that I went outside. But, I went outside to where there are people;  Lots of people.  That psychiatrist guy said I needed to go out.. somewhere in which I can interact with others. I think he was worried.. I’m not a real recluse. I don’t mind being outside. I just don’t want to be misunderstood. I don’t want people to be scared or stare.  I don’t know why they would stare.. nothing is different as far as they know. They don’t know me from before. The only people that even know I’ve changed, they all say it looks good.  I think the chick at the coffee shop was actually flirting with me last week and this one lady in my building keeps offering to make me dinner. I ‘m not saying the lady is hitting on me.. but, I just mean she’s not staring at me.. so.. I don’t know why I haven’t really ventured very far.

I ordered a bunch of clothes on line. I think I ‘ve got my new look. I got a great haircut the other day.. I really like it.. I wanted to be a little bolder than normal. I was nervous that the barber wouldn’t do it, but he didn’t even look at me.. I told him what I wanted and that was it. No “are you sure”.  He just took out his clippers and that was it. I like it.

So, I went to the festival they were having downtown. It was nice. I actually talked to a few people and I got invited to hang out.. Me!!  They invited me .. as ME.. to hang out.. and I swear, I don’t think anyone knows I’m different.  They think I’m what they see. What I see.. what I’ve always seen.. I told them my name. I used it for the first time .. I spoke it.. I mean.. I changed my license and documents.. Did you know you can do all of that online .. well, I did go take my picture for my new driver’s license.. and the chick there, she did look at me kinda funny.  I think she did .. I could’ve just imagined it.. But, today.. today,  for the first time, I think I got to experience life as me.. really experience it.. know what it’s like to really be seen. They saw me today.. I felt like… I feel reborn.

God, I hope you can be happy for me. I don’t know if I can fully be whole if you think I made a mistake. 

(you know who this is)

So, all that’s left to do is knock on your door. Here I am.. I’ve crossed the street. I made it up the driveway.. and I only looked back once. Letters… check… Breathing.. sometimes.  My heart is pounding like I just finished a marathon. Maybe this is a mistake.  Maybe you’re not even home.. I should have called first.. what kind of person just shows up to someone’s doorstep, unannounced after a million years.  I’m an idiot.. why did I think this would be ok. I haven’t knocked.. and I don’t think anyone saw me. I don’t even think your home. If I just turn around now..

NO!!!! Is that the door.. OMG!! Someone is opening the DOOR!!!

“Hello??”

Damn, now I have to turn back around.. OMG!!! What am I going to say!!  “Uhh.. Hi.” OMG.. it’s you!!! OMG!!

“Can I help you?”  You’re staring at me now.. maybe you know it’s me.. please make this easier.. why do you need to make this easier.. this is my mess. I just need to be up front. Just say it damn it!!

“Hi.. I .. I um.. I have some letters for you.” LETTERS REALLY!!! That’s what I say..

“Letters? From whom?  Wait, how do you know they are for me. Who ARE YOU??”

Ok.. I have to go.. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here. I just wanted to see you again .. and I ..”

Handing you the letters, I turn to leave.  I try not to run. At least I can save some face; keep some dignity to this total f**k up!  And then I hear it. It’s small… a whisper. I’m not really sure, if I really heard it or if you were even talking to me.

“Eve??? Noo, it can’t be.. Eve?..” So small.

I stop.  I can feel you staring at me. Come on idiot.. turn around.  You’re staring at the letters and now.. you’re coming towards me.. slowly. I can’t move.

“Eve?”

“No….” 

No… What have I done?

“Not anymore…  It’s Adam.”

Author's Note

ignore grammer.. Let me know if the conversation flows.. what do you think of the format I used. Was it boring??? Or were you able to feel what the narrator was feeling?

Reviews

[Just Kim]

wow lots of detail and vivid imagery,
You kept me reading on,
very nicely written.

[Onesimbah]

Thank you!!!

[Just Kim]

N/P