Chapter One

Okay! I haven't worked on my novel in months.. so this is FAR overdue, but this is the most revised version of the first chapter and I would LOVE constructive criticism!! More chapters on the way!

It was a still and quiet night in Kingdom Rain, save for the gentle snore of a not-so-gentle-looking guard who’d been propped up on his stool in an imitation of sleep. He now sported a swollen lump on his head. Far above him on the wall of stone, a shadow darker than the night was slowly ascending.

Foolish, pure and simple,Kara thought to herself as she went up the wall she went. You knew that one dart would never be enough to take down a man of that beastly size. Especially by the smell of him. A shudder that had nothing to do with the chill of night, crawled up her spine at the memory of the foul poison she smelled on the guard’s breath right before the hilt of her knife came crashing down on the back of his skull.

Be thankful for the drink, she reminded herself. Without it you mightn’t have been able to overpower him so quietly. I don’t envy the headache he’ll have when he wakes. Nor the lump I’ve given him.

Kara only had one dart left. She would need to make a trip to her hidden garden very soon in order to brew another batch of the sleeping drought she dipped each tip in. The dark shroud that covered her face from her slight chin to the bridge of her long, thin nose ruffled briefly as that last thought brought a smile to her lips. Kara loved having an excuse to visit her garden. It was a special place that she and her father had shared. It was the place that she learned the basics of thievery taught to her by him.

 A squall of wind suddenly rushed past and her foot slipped against the stone facet, nearly causing her to fall from her precarious perch on the wall.

Focus! She chided herself, growling low under her breath.

Once more she locked her feet into place while her fingers found their way into the impossibly small fissures of the failing stones that made up the outer wall of the city. When she reached the top there was room enough that she took three strides before reaching the inner edge of the wall. It had been built long ago in a great time of siege and war. Now it served as nothing more than an annoyance to people like her People who had to enter the city under the cover of darkness in order to avoid the dreaded city gate. The same city gate where the guards had overly friendly hands that search much too invasively for the illegal weapons they sought. Weapons they would no doubt find…on her, anyways.

Yes, she thought, this way is much easier.

                Atop the wall she had a view of much of the city below her, spreading out like dough on a bakers block. The houses directly before her were made of finer and more colorful stones than that of the poorer sections of the city. The extravagance was sought by the wealthy in order to put more distance between themselves and poverty. In reality, all it did was color code the city so that Kara knew which houses would yield the best loot.

                This was one of the nicer districts and one that she hadn’t visited in several weeks. The last time she had been here the guards nearly captured her. If not for the help of Tol, her friend in the sky, she surely would have been taken. It wasn’t the first time that he had repaid the debt of saving his life. She remembered the day they had met, clear as the cloudless sky above her head.

****

Kara was no more than twelve and wandering through the woods with her father. Not for the first time that day, he told her to expand her mind…to search outwards and see what she could sense. Kara obeyed, closing her eyes and bringing her fingers to her temples in concentration.

“There’s a squirrel, I think, over my right shoulder,” she told her father. Her eyebrows drew together as her focus dialed in on the creature. “He’s up in the trees somewhere but…I can’t really tell where exactly,” she finished in a strained whisper. Using her gift always was a tax on her mind, sapping her strength.

“Yes, I see him. He’s actually dropped his nut and is watching you. Now what else? Keep concentrating,” her father urged her excitedly, as he always did when they practiced her ability.

“Umm, okay. Something is under that tree, over there by the gunko weeds.” She motioned in the general direction with her eyes still closed, but could tell her that her father was displeased.

“Something? I can’t very well know what might be lurking in the weeds if all you tell me is ‘something’ now can I?” He asked her firmly. “Focus, Kara. Feel its energy. Can you get a grasp on its mind?”

Her face heated at the uncharacteristically harsh chastisement. Taking a deep breath, she threw all the power she had at the unknown creature. The resounding squeal, as a rabbit shot out from the undergrowth, brought a peal of giggling laughter from Kara. Sneaking a glance at her father, she was relieved as well as pleased when she saw his wide smile. Her laughter increased when he threw his head back with a joyful, loud belly laugh of his own, which only lead to further giggles. Kara loved to make him laugh.

When they each had finally caught their breath once more, Kara faced her father with both hands on her hips and the smug glow of young pride on the set of her lips as she asked, “Does that answer your question?”

Before he could reply with an amused comment of his own, her mind was viciously accosted and overwhelmed. Two separate energies, stronger than anything she had ever felt before, sliced through her brain. Pain, and fear. Her knees buckled and she nearly fell to the ground as the agony wracked through her body once more, grinding down into the nerves and holding captive her mind, with fear. Quickly jumping forward, her father caught her form and gently lowered her to the ground while rapidly asking question after worried question of what was wrong. Her father was yelling at her now, clearly frightened for her. Still, she could not respond.

Her eyes clouded over, suddenly not her own. Part of her was seeing a scene of horror being played out.Kara felt the others  fear and pain, it was his thoughts she now knew as intimately as she knew her own. Immersing her power in the others senses, she viewed the peril facing him…no, facing them.

Below their perch, the boa was slowly climbing up around the trunk of the pine tree and making its way through the lower branches, but still she could not escape; the terror of death was choking them. The large snake’s forked tongue flicked out, long and black. No doubt it was tasting the air, scenting the prospective meal as up the trunk it rose. Fearfully gazing into the dead yet, intelligent eyes suddenly brought Kara back to herself. Her father was still shouting with his concern and had started shaking her due to the lack of her response.

“Father…father stop!” She gasped. “Help him,” she whispered. She was still a bit dazed and confused as her wild eyes took in the world around her. “We have to help him. We have to…to…Let GO!” She pushed with all her strength against her father’s hold and finally he released her. She leapt off of the dirt and immediately was running, not bothering to look back, knowing instinctually her  father would follow. Deeper into the woods she ran in a direction that she knew to be the right way. Her power, the link to…him, guided her.

Her father fell behind through the thicker bush that she could more easily traverse, yelling her name in alarm and tearing from trees the branches that were foolish enough to think they could stop him from reaching his crazed daughter.

Up ahead, Kara felt her destination nearing. She broke into a small clearing and slowed to a cautious walk, her mind becoming more lucid with every step. A massive pine stood dead center in the clearing. As she got closer, she truly could appreciate the size of such a thing. It was wider than she was tall and must have been over a hundred years old. A sticky conglomerate of sap was gathered at the base of the trunk, seeming to be the glue of the earth. Up in the higher branches, she could see him, the snake, and feel his desire. Doggedly, he weaved, still heading for the broken and defenseless raven who now was a mere minute from being made a meal.

Him, she could feel. His projection of raw and undulating fear was almost unbearable and, without a second thought, Kara launched herself up the trunk; but she was too short. Even the lowest branches were ten feet off the ground. There’s no way she could get up there herself… but to wait for her father’s help would mean death for the bird. She had to try. Mustering together all that she had, Kara once more vaulted at the massive trunk, grabbing hold of anything that wasn’t smooth bark. Sticky sap, gnarled knots, broken stubs: she clawed her way to the lowest branch and dangled for dear life, though not her own.

Still, higher she went, much faster now that there were stable branches to grab. She came up beneath the snake when it was less than three feet from the bird and gripped the end of its tail; not an easy thing to do when you’ve bloody and broken nails, but tightly she squeezed and even harder she pulled, with all her might. By this time her father had reached the base of the tree, watching in confusion while angst rolled off his worried form, but stronger still was the fear and pain of the poor bird, now just inches away from life, or death.

The snake was thicker around than Kara’s arm at its widest but with her heels planted firmly on the sturdy branch below, she gave a final heave and the snake was slung from the tree, hurling toward the ground and hitting dozens of branches in its descent, smacking the turf at her father’s feet with a resounding thud, but Kara was no longer paying attention to the snake, now that the threat was gone. She had eyes only for him, the baby bird.

His eyes held pain in them, still, but no fear. Reaching for her mind, he was awash with gratitude. A true credit to his species, he couldn’t have been more than a few weeks old and already he was the most intelligent animal mind that Kara had ever touched. Assessing him as she had been taught by her father, and with a touch of her gift, she could see that both of his wings were broken; though how they had become so, she did not know.

Through with her evaluation and confident that the bird would live, she was suddenly aware that her father was yelling at her from the ground and so she called through the branches below.

“I’m alright, father, and coming down!” though not alone, she thought to herself.

Gathering him in her left hand, which had taken much less damage on the ascent, Kara began navigating the branches of the tree once more, though in a much more reasonable manner than the climb so as not to jostle the injured bird. When she got to the lowest hanging branch, she first noticed the snake on the ground, which looked much larger now that she thought about it. Then she saw her father, seething, red-faced, and with twigs and leaves sticking out from his unruly dark hair. He looked like a rather angry woodland creature that might just burst into flames. The thought of it forced her to suppress a small giggle that definitely would not have improved his mood.

“You’ll have to catch me. I can’t reach the bottom on my own.” She said, looking at him from the corner of her eye as she began to hang herself down from the branch with her knees dangling over the edge, resting the majority of her weight across her midsection on the bough and the remainder on her elbow, which was propped on the trunk for support.

                “You got yourself up there, Lady Kara. You can find a way down.”

                His tone left little to the imagination. She was in trouble, of that she was sure. He never called her ‘Lady’ unless it was serious. She should have known he would say something like that. Self-reliance was one of his biggest lessons. Don’t need for another when you have yourself.

 She heaved herself back up onto the branch, which was much more difficult with only one hand to use, and looked at her options. Falling… that would be fine if it was just her, but she wasn’t about to risk further harm to the bird she had just worked so hard to save. The branch that she was perched on was very thick where it connected to the tree but thinned as outward it grew. The branch itself was as large as most other pines in this section of the forest and the weight of it made the end drag very nearly to the ground at the end.

Well… hes already angry. Maybe showing off some will appease him. She put her free hand on the base trunk and used it to help her stand straight. Spreading her arms wide and looking forward, she sent a quick plead at the baby bird with her mind not to move around too much for this part, though she had no idea if he understood at all before she began to slowly meander out onto the branch. The first few steps were easy, as the branch was thicker around than she was, but the farther she went, the thinner it got, and the less stable, too. She didn’t bother looking at her father, but she could feel his eyes on her.

When the branch was only as wide as her foot, Kara very slowly, and with great concentration, lowered herself to lay flat with her belly across the branch. Turning and lowering her legs over the side, she gripped the branch with her free hand and let her body hang, jostling the branch and causing her to slowly bounce. She waiting until the branch had decided to accept her weight, in addition to its own, and was bowed even closer to the ground than before. Her toes dangled five feet from the gnarled roots that now stretched out from the pine. This was a height she was more comfortable with.

With a deep breath and final check, she dropped; though the fall was not nearly five feet for the moment she let go her descent stopped. Her father had caught her and was laughing once more, with as much joy as she had ever seen in him, holding her in his arms.

“Very well done, my dear Kara. Very well done indeed!” His praise caught her off guard after seeing him so angry just a few minutes ago but soon she was laughing as well. His love, a joy to her heart.

“Now, do show me what all of this was about, won’t you? Never have I ever seen you take off like that. What happened?”

Kara proceeded to tell him about how the bird had reached out to her and how she had seen through his eyes.Being that this hadn’t ever happened before, he her father listened intently.. She had needed to help him, the bird. Nothing should feel that kind of fear and not even have a chance to get away. Even in nature, where things weren’t always fair, there was a balance. A defenseless baby bird with two broken wings against a full grown snake was not even the least bit just.

His face had morphed into a far off expression as her words sent his thoughts off track. When he replied, there was an edge to his voice, “That’s exactly the kind of thing we are trying to prevent in The Order, love. We may be thieves, but there is a balance in the whole world, not just nature, and we only seek to keep it in check. You understand, right?” His eyes were on hers when she answered.

“Yes, I understand. I know that the king is overstepping his powers, just as you’ve told me before. This morning. Yesterday. Every day since I’ve been alive.” Her tone lost its petulant edge as she continued, “And we only are to take from those who already have too much, or more than they deserve.” She finished with both sincerity and monotony. This is was one of his most taught lessons, and one he voiced at every opportunity; so much so that she’s surprised he hadn’t carved it in stone and set it in front of their home in the woods.

“Good girl.” He seemed undeterred by her sass so long as she could recite his rules, “I’m proud of you, you know. You did well today. With the rabbit and snake:  with using the skills I’ve taught you to safely get yourself from the tree; but most of all, I’m proud of you for saving this bird. I’m not saying it was intelligently thought out,” His wry smile earned him an eye-roll from her “but the intention was pure, and you adapted your surroundings to your greatest gain,” another of his lessons, adaptability, “Well done.”

Kara looked down into her hands, lightly stroking the top of the bird’s head to avoid looking at her father. She was unsure what to say. He had always been one to tell her how it is. He didn’t bother with half-truths to make her feel better about falling, or scaring game. For missing the target or losing the trail. He told her what she did wrong and taught her how to fix it. Never was he unfair or short with her. She knew that he loved her more than anything else, but this gush of affection felt weighted, somehow, and so she simply buried her face in the crook of his neck and squeezed tight with her free hand, which reminded her.

“Father,” She pulled away just enough to look in his eyes while she held him up, “meet Tol.”

She held him out so he could examine him, with slight protest on Tol’s part.

“He’ll need time to mend, you know, and lots of care. I can show you which plants to use to help his bones heal strongly but the rest is up to you. Understand?”

She nodded, with eyes only for Tol, admiring his soft black down and soothing his tired mind to sleep. “He’s worth it.”

****

Kara’s mind was brought back to the present as Tol landed on her shoulder with a squawk. Reaching into her mind and letting her know just how fond he was of her thinking about him in such a weakened state. As if to further his point, he nipped at the bridge of her nose.

“Hey!” An indignant and unladylike noise erupting from Kara at the playful nip.

“It’s a good memory!”

At this he simply cawed once more and shot off into the city.

“Well you sure are in a fine mood this evening.” She grumbled to herself, being sure to send the thought to him as well, to which she got no reply. With a sigh she decided it was about time to get back to work.

The way down the other side was easier than the way up. A few yards down the left hand side of the wall, a tree whose branches hung very near the edge had been growing for years. With the greatest of ease, Kara leapt to the closest branch and ran along its short length to the base of the trunk, which she then shimmied down. The long sleeved and malleable gear she wore for stealth was also a formidable armor, and protected her skin from the rough bark. It had been a gift from her father.

As soon as her feet touched the ground, she already was running off toward the nearest estate, no louder than a breeze. The first structure she came to was large enough to be considered a house, but searved as no more than a barn for the livestock. She intended to quickly pass through but was forced to pause when one of the horses woke to her presence. He was young, at only a year or two; and had a deep chocolate brown coat that could use a good brushing. His mind reached for hers curiously and she let him in, feeling his intense thirst. The night was still young, yet, and she could hardly deny the poor beast such a simple request.

Kara grabbed a metal bucket from the empty stall next to the young horse’s and quickly filled it at the spigot just outside the barn, hoping that the squeak of the pump wouldn’t carry to the guards at the main house; though, the wind was blowing back toward the forest, carrying smaller noises with it. She should be alright, and the horse no longer thirsty.

Careful, so as not to spill on herself, she dragged the bucket back to the horse and slid it under the lowest beam of his stall. He pushed warmth, which she knew to be appreciation, into her thoughts while dipping his neck to drag in the much needed drink. As he lapped at the water, Kara brushed her hand over his dusty coat, combing from it dirt and dead flies. Live ones as well. The place was full of them.

Stupid rich people don’t even bother giving their animals a pest free enclosure. What was the point of having money if you didn’t use it for things that mattered? She was glad to have picked this estate to prey on for the evening. Looking around, she could see many of the enclosures were lacking in the easy comforts of a standard barn. There wasn’t a bale of hay spread betwixt the six horses, five pigs, and three cows. It looked like their stalls hadn’t been cleaned once in the last fortnight, and now that she had opened her eyes and mind, they all were dying for a drink.

Don’t do it, Kara. She thought to herself with a hand itching for the gate of the nearest stall.

Don’t meddle like this. But already she was lifting the latch. Before she knew it, every stall was open and she was urging the animals with her mind and gentle swats to the rear that they should leave this place and find a new home. She did her best to direct them towards a friend of hers who’s estate was just a few miles west of here. He had massive barns and this lot could melt into the background until the talk of thievery had died down. She would visit him soon and explain. It wasn’t the first time she had pulled a stunt like this.

Well, she thought pointedly, don’t own what you aren’t willing to take care of.

And with that, she passed through the liberated barn with a feeling of ease in her mind, and a determination to take all she could carry from this lord of negligence.

 

Author's Note

Help on dialogue is strongly encouraged!! But any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated! Try to say something good at the end please:)

Reviews

[A.marie.speaks]

I like the concept you've created. I'm a sucker for telepathy and animals. But the underlying Robin Hood theme you are portraying is the real concept I think and it is a great topic to base your story off of. I think the dialogue between father and daughter was well written. You made a very concrete relationship between them. There were a couple of grammatical errors here and there; missed periods and such but it was not distracting. Some of the areas got a little overly descriptive but I really liked the suspense in the section with the snake and rhe bird. The way the reader doesn't exactly know what she is seeing or why she runs to it and we discover it's a baby bird. I enjoyed that you placed a memory in the middle to kind of tell the back story in a different way. I hope you develop more off this because I think it's a strong first chapter.

[Chase]

First, thank you for reviewing the chapter. Not many people will so I appreciate it. Second, i read a lot of descriptive writers so thats how i tend to end up writing. Its just my style! The little things like a few Grammar or spelling mistakes are things I'll catch over time :) i have five chapters written, I've just been holding off posting them for a few months. Thank you again for reading and reviewing it. I really appreciate it.

[A.marie.speaks]

Read request me when/if you post the other chapters, I would definitely like to read them!

[Dee]

Well, I became so interested in the story, I couldn't force myself to analyze the dialogue. Sorry :/

[Natasha]

This first chapter held my attention! I really like the characters, especially that sly and strong Kara. I am definitely a descriptive kind of person as well, so I did not think it was too much to go into detail anywhere in the chapter. It helped me put a vivid image together in my head of the whole thing. Please post more soon.  The only thing I can think of for constructive criticism is there was a few spelling errors. For the dialogue, I am no expert on this, but as long as it’s the same person talking, I don’t think you needed separate paragraphs? Maybe I am wrong. Maybe you just wanted to format it more clearly so it wasn’t bunched up.

[Chase]

Thank you so much for reading!! Im glad you enjoyed it and didn't find the descriptions too overbearing. Dialogue and formatting of dialogue are difficult for me.. it took HOURS to decide to have it structured as i do.. i still an unsure about it. Ill tty and get the second chapter up soon!!