The Hope

Ch.1

 I remember on the flight away from California, it was terrible. There I was on the flight back. It has been eight months since I left. I had my head rested on the seat, my daughter in my arms, my two boys in the seats next to me. It was quiet, it was late. “Finally, they are sleeping” I silently thought. I felt bad flying them across the map back to the ‘negative memories’ and ‘horrible times’. Though my kids were young, at the time only 6, 4 & 1. I hoped they didn't remember like I did.  I took a deep breath in and let it out. I was tired but could not sleep. The only sound was that of the many snoring, deep breathers and my silent cries from within. This flight was easier, then 8 months ago. My kids were very cooperative or maybe I was just in better spirits. We tried life in Florida with just the four of us. No family, no job, no car, Just friends, the little child support and food stamps are all I had. I was doing great but as life has it, I guess, one can not depend on ‘friends’, or maybe ‘friends’ that are not true. It broke my heart, losing my best friend of 12+ years, but it is what it is. Everything happens for a reason, I always said. I decided at this point in my life, I was not keeping anyone around that brought negativity. I wanted ‘True’ and ‘Real’. If I sensed the slightest of ‘negativity’ I was quickly able to let go. With everything I went through, I couldn't stand ‘selfish’ people. Those who could not be happy for others, or supportive in the bad times and good, were no longer worth having in my kids or my life. 1 out of 10 was left, who I called and believed was truly my good friend and as time will see it, she would be my only true friend.  I was sad leaving Florida, I was determined to make it happen, but for my kids they deserved more security. So moving back to California was the best option. They needed no more suffering than they already had been through. However, it was a great situation for them, I knew it was going to be a battle for me. The battle between, my emotions and my sanity.  This place was filled with demons I never killed. The thought about it brought flashbacks of everything that I ended up ‘Fearing’. As I sat in my seat, I could feel my heart beat and my adrenalin amp.  “Calm down,” I told myself. Every time I had these moments, moments of anxiety, that weaken me, I did this self-talk soothing method. Allowing my thoughts to flow, but focusing on my breathing and emotions, I would calm myself. “Its alright, Everything is ok”. “Remember where you are now, what is happening now”. “That time has passed” I sat there panting myself down. As soon as I calmed. “Hello Folks, it's your captain speaking, we have ten minutes to arrival…..” Finally!”  As I quietly called out to my boys, to wake up. My daughter was already coming alive in my arms. A smile formed my face, I loved my kids. All three of them. “Were almost there, buckle up and feel the plane,” I said quietly.  “Oh were almost there! “ they said excitedly. “Yay, I can't wait to see Granny!”. “I know, right?” I replied with a smile on my face. Oh, Grandma, I left with lingering emotions. We never really reconciled from the last time I left. So, I was not excited to see my Grandma as my kids were. As the plane descended, I could feel my excitement. Excitement for what if not for my Grandma?  All of a sudden my feelings reminded me of what did bring some ‘positivity’ to this place I called my ‘Hell’.  His blue eyes shined brightly in my memories. Visions of him smiling at me, shirtless. I giggled out loud. “Christian,” I thought. All of a sudden I was not tired. Anxious now, I was. I am ready to get to Upland. He was there.

At least I hoped he was. We arrived into LAX. It was going to be another hour drive to our final destination. Upland, 7th street. My Grandmas house. It was midnight. The closer we got, the more excited I felt. All these emotions of ‘joy’ and ‘comfort’ hit me like a warm semi-calm wave. I closed my eyes and enjoyed these ‘feelings’, I haven't felt this ‘peace’ in a very long time. All these ‘feelings’ were long overdue. It hit me. I have not ‘felt’ period. Since I left Upland a long time ago. Since I left ‘Him’.  A smile formed as I saw the entrance to our condo. It was pitch black despite the little lights from the little lights set from patio doors. As my Grandma pulled in, I stared hard where he would be. His garage door was closed. That I figured, It was 1 in the morning, but it did not stop me from my continuance stare. Emotions flooded my body. I could feel his presence, so apparent, so strong. I knew him to be around. As I knew, he felt me. I pictured him, in his garage, working on his tools. As I pulled in, he heard the doors open and closed. He could sense something different among his property. A new feeling, It was apparent, it was strong. 

I unloaded my kids out of the car.  I quickly settled my kids into their beds. “I’m just going to get a few bags out of the car and download the rest tomorrow Grandma,” I said rushing out the door. As I grabbed my bags, I could sense stares my way. “Yes nosy neighbors, I am back”. I snickered. As I locked the doors, to the car.  I headed to the front door. Before I opened the gated door, I sat my bags down, turned around, and stared down the street. Taking in the evening breeze it was chili out. The neighborhood was quiet, even the streets I was facing. “I am here Christian” I whispered in the wind. My grandma had us in the first room, a window that dimmed the moon’s natural light to its dark world. To my dark room. The shadows, the darkness was cold to my surroundings. The demons are still here I thought. “Go to bed,” I said to my weak stated self.  As I laid in bed next to my kids, who I kept closer than the usual. I stared up at the light that shined on my wall from the moon. “Sleep, you might get to see him”. With that thought, I drifted off.

..I could not open my eyes, I could hear the whispers of men around me, on top of me, next to me. I couldn't yell, I couldn't fight them off. I wanted them off. What was going on? Where was my husband? Why wasn't he helping me? I was paralyzed, my body would not move, my voice could not be heard. I whimpered I remembered, that was all I could do. I couldn't believe this was happening to me.  Another one was on me, I wanted to fight, again I couldn't. I could still hear the voices, the moans, and groans, the only thing I could feel besides my broken soul, was the breathing of these godforsaken monsters raping me. That being my own husband of 7 years. ….

“Mommy, Mommy can we eat”. Waking up to the cries of my children up as early as could be.. I was panting and frighten from the nightmare that I was suffering from since I left here 8 months ago.  Shaking off the compelling devastation, I quickly jumped into the aiding and importance of breakfast. As I pulled myself up off the bed. I looked towards the window in front of me.

“Christian,” I thought silently. As I peeked outside, I saw his garage open. I smiled. As I set the table for my kids to eat. I had a smile stuck to my face. I rushed to attend to my kids needs. Once I was finished. I caught myself headed out my door. It was a beautiful day. I remember feeling, so content, so happy, something I haven’t felt in a long time. I pretty much skipped my way to his sights. As I turned in, there he was.

“Hi Christian,” I said as calmly as I could. He looked up, with a smile on his face, almost surprised to see me, as I was to see him. He replied.

“Hey!!”..he said almost speechless afterward.  All he could do was smile and stare. Yes, I am here, I thought to myself. I took it upon myself to make myself at home and sat on his couch right in front of him. As the initial shock surpassed. We carried on as we did 8 months to a year ago. As we always did. Meaningless conversations, that meant more to us than I could ever have thought in my wildest dreams. I remember staring at him, admiring just how beautiful he looked and felt.  His blue eyes, his voice, his laugh. His jokes.  Everything about this man was ‘Beautiful’. I had a lot of people ask me what my definition to ‘Beautiful’ was and I never had an answer, till now. My definition to ‘Beautiful’, was all that Christian to be.  The most beautiful part of Christian was the ‘Strength’ he unknowingly possessed. Through all his struggles in life, the pain, the loneliness. As he lived in the darkness most of his life. He still possessed a strength in him, that kept his scarred, dark soul. ‘Pure’. A light shined in him so bright, so pure, I knew no man that was in similar “positions”, to even have such a soul as pure as he did to exist. I knew then with that logic. Christian, was not just any struggling man, but a man who possessed a soul only an Angel could have.  “A Blue Eyed Angel”.  (smile). 

Oh, how I missed him so. As we talked and caught up. All the worries, all the demons that tormented me, I did not speak about, however, didn't seem to torment me when I was around Christian. The bad days back then, didn't exist when it was just him and I. And still till that day, not even the demons 8 months ago that haunted me day in and day out while I was away could touch me while I was with him. Nothing else mattered at that moment, in any moment when it was just Christian and I. As it did for me, It did the same for him. 

“Alright Christian, Hope you have a good rest of the day”, I said with a smile as I turned to walk away.

“Hey, How is it you still look so good” He commented hesitantly as if he knew not know, it was the right thing to say,

I smiled back as he locked up his garage. With a flirtatious look I replied. “You do too”.  I assured. Before turning away. I thought to myself. Yes, you do! From the distance between him and my door as I walked to and from. Was a moment of ‘peace’, ….a moment of ‘Hope’. 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Woady]

For a good story and writing, you've got them both. Keep up the good work

[TheOne&Only]

You really think so?! ..either way thank you, your words are encouraging.

[Woady]

The story has necessary detail and kept me wondering what was going to happen next. And I'm glad my words are encouraging, I say my honest opinion about literary works such as yours. You can relate to readers which is a positive attribute.

[TheOne&Only]

Well thank you!! Your honesty is highly appreciated!!

[Stars and Whales]

This was a nice incite to who you are as an artist and your style. Great job. Really brilliant work. I loved it, and you are definitely a skilled writer.

[TheOne&Only]

Thank you! I appreciate your review.

[sinNsincerity]

It was nice to see a piece of your life.
Don't ever let that hope go.
There's always a chance.

To be continued..?

[TheOne&Only]

:) Keep in mind, that Its a book mixed with its reality and fantasy :)

& & &

Yes, stay tuned.. :)

[sinNsincerity]

If there is something that you hold dear to your life, don't ever let it go. It's never to late hon. And even if it never works out, why not hold on to that feeling of hope?
I look forward to reading more!

[TheOne&Only]

Good point!! Thank you for that. I needed to hear it. :) #holdingon

[AaronFreitas]

Awesome chapter I really enjoyed it. Can't wait for the next one :)

[TheOne&Only]

awww really?!? I was interested in what you would think!! Thank you, for your input.

[AaronFreitas]

haha you know I always review :) I liked it... its a really good start

[TheOne&Only]

.... your thoughts are important. :)
Thanks again.

[AaronFreitas]

Awww thanks :)