Meaning Is Everything

With out it, where would we be....

   When I first left California, I went through so much "Hell", here. I honestly think, I was killed. (My soul, My heart, My mind, Me, Myself, & I.) I died. A slow, and painful death. A lot of it I can not make sense, of still till this day. I however, remember the pain. The pain, that I was receiving, and the pain I caused myself. Being a "Good Mother", protecting, and being there for my children, was number one, and to think that I lost it at one point, was my true ending. Because of that sole "Pain, thought, and feeling", I told myself, knowing just that was enough, after awhile. Enough to just accept, and make sure that never happens again. Ever. I dropped the intensity, to my want/need for answers. For Truth. I thought maybe, that the only other soul, that could tell me some truth, would, however, he does not. So I let it go. When I left, I was haunted by my past. I was haunted, and tormented. I went through it, by myself.  With a little help, from a friend. Who will also never know what he has done for me through out that time, because I believe if it was not for him, I would have been dead. I would of literally killed myself for sure. I don’t even know how I survived through those times. I was dealing with "Paranoia", belief that someone was out to kill me. I could not sleep for days, every night, I was up, checking every creek, and crack. Looking out my windows, checking doors. Just plain out paranoid, and fearful. Fearful, not for me but for my kids. I even thought my own father, was going to hurt my kids. My own brother. I hit a point to almost no return. I was completely and utterly lost. I wanted to know, why I was like that. I wanted to know what happened to me. I wanted answers, I needed answers. Was it all my fault, did I do that to myself. I needed to know. But I had to accept that I was not going to get any answers. So when I decided to come back, I felt "Christian", and when I did feel "Christian", at first I was excited, and I "Felt", something other then, paranoia, fear, and/or distrust. I felt need, I felt care, warmth, & want. He felt, safe. Thought when I got here, things mentally got hard for me again, I was battling with my sanity, and my mind started, to see Christian, as another "Target", someone who was also out to get me, someone who wanted to hurt me. But for some reason, to think that Christian was, Hurt me worse, then It did to find out my husband, wanted, or was. My ex, BROKE ME, (sadley to say)  He broke me, Not my heart, just my mind, Who I was, was lost, and gone. Like I said, I was dead. And I was still dead, when I returned. But when my mind, started to think that "Christian", could have had something to deal with  it, or was someone who was "out to get me", broke my heart. & again my soul was even further away to "never being found". But as I came too, the more, and more, I forced myself to Christian, the more and more, Alive I came to be. I started to feel my heartbeat in my chest, I started to see the ground I walked in, the souls of my kids bright and happy. I started to hear there cry of laughter. I started to see, the "life", in my kids, and that around me.  When I was with Christian, or when I saw Christian, even at a distance, I started to "feel, LIFE", in me, and after awhile, I could look into the mirror, and see life in me.  At some points, when I looked into the mirror, I imagined, Christian, In me as well, Me, Him, reflecting, back into "One" person, me. And With that vision, that momentary, "hallucination", if you want to call it, I smiled, A real smile. I was beginning to be and feel "Happy", the pain, that lingered, from my past, no longer was disabling me, and slowly, evaporating, out of me. As If the darkness, in my soul was pealing off, and letting my souls light, shine through more and more. I didn’t fear any more, not the way I was fearing him, or others, when I left, an came back…I feared Christian in another way. ( A normal way) I also trusted again. "Truly Trusted", Myself, and that of others…The more, Christian gave me life, the more he pushed me to becoming, and being just me. He forced me to accept myself, and all that I am, I was, and will be. He did not, let me forget about my past, run away from it or fear it. He made me see it, feel it, let it go, grow from it, remember it, and appreciate, that it got me to where I am, and with his help, I have over-come "True Fear", and became, stronger then I could ever imagine. A strength in which I always saw, Christian to possess. Even through his times of "low", or darkness, while he was lost, sad, or fearful, angry, or cold. The strength he possessed, he always had. It was always so strong, through every emotion that he exerted, or possessed. The strength he taught, me I could have, and feel. And proved, to be very beneficial to me. Especially, in a time, where I was, falling ill again to that of "Weakness".   As always, he was medicine, to my sick days. With bringing me back to life, I was able to just "Feel", and do, and not ask questions, and those were the times, I was almost "Normal", happy, and me. Though, when I started to "ask questions", and get no answers, I was losing site, of "truth", But, again Christian, being everything that he has, & the feelings I was feelings, made me just "trust" even the "unknown", in which he brought to my life. Al though familiar, With Christian, I still felt safe, with the whirl wind of "unknown", I trusted him, and still do. Do I think Christian, could hurt me, Yes I know he could, I know he's totally capable of it, …Do I think he ever will,?!?..No, I believe that out of everyone I know and have in my life, Christian, Will die, before he had to hurt me. (physically), Or emotionally for wrong reasoning's. If he did, hurt me, which he has, It would be because, he was "Protecting" me, from something more painful, something he may thought, to be to much, or just not necessary for me to go through. He would hurt me, if he thought it was the "BEST" for me. Even though I may or may not of agreed to it. Though I know deep down, when he did hurt me, when he knew, I was hurt, either by him or something else, he hurt with me, for me. But because he stayed strong, I was able to hurt and remain strong for myself. Something, he unknowingly taught me (or maybe now), He did know. Either way, I do not wish to ask questions about my past, or seek answers for the unknown, I just want to hear it from his mouth himself, whether, I should let go,. Whether, I am alone in my feelings. I want to know, from his own, mouth, in his own words. Does he love me, like I love him, Yes or no. That is the only answer, I need/want to know. The only answer, that will determine whether I continue on with the future, I am working towards, or if I should find or change, my "Reason". Because with out "Reason", there will be no future to live, and that is a belief I know to be real, and truth. And if my reason for my future, Is a lie, and not of "Real Truth", I need to know, and I need to find, another "Reason for my entire Future".  

My KIDS, are my MOTIVATION, …CHRISTIAN, is…my "Reason'. LOVE is my BELIEF. TRUST is my 'HOPE', God is my 'FAITH'. Christian, gives me LIFE. His LOVE gives me TRUTH. His life gives me 'pure WILL'. His Heart, gives me a Home. "His soul" gives me "inspiration". His words, give me "Confidence", His Eyes, give me "acceptance", His presence provides "Protection".  Christian is my proof to all that I believe in… He is my answer, to all my unanswered questions. His trust gives me "Strength". Christian, IS my one and only TRUE LOVE. I LOVE and I am truly IN LOVE with CHRISTIAN. ALWAYS AND FOREVER. FOREVER & ALWAYS. Now, take "HIM", "Christian", out of all the bold, words, and tell me what is left, and with what's left, or missing, tell me is there any "Meaning" to any of what is LEFT or missing…. The answer is simple, there is..

     

               "NO MEANING, WITH OUT CHRISTIAN. With Out HIM"

 

& to me, 'MEANING', IS 'EVERYTHING'…With out it, YOU, I, WE, will not exist today.