The first scene in paranoia agent: episode 1

almost random.

The city was filled with noises that invaded the peace of the natural world. The skyscrapers loomed intimidating over the concrete landscape and the large sheets of glass that made up their exterior reflected the sun with resounding intensity. All around, people were occupied with handheld electronic devices, trapped in a world that was no more than a few inches wide. They were content in expressing themselves, in hearing their own voices and typing their opinions and while they were mostly silent, mostly soft, their voices and thoughts had echoed throughout the city in a deafening chorus. They had become the birds of a forest and like birds their minds were small, they sang as one and they could not comprehend the complexity that surrounded them, instead they merely existed. They were prisoners of their own fate and their constant shrieking and yammering drowned out the only sound that could break them from their shackles; the sound of silence.  

Author's Note

criticize and complement as you see fit.
note: i wanst supposed to review my own work.... my bad for thinking that this was anything like facebook :P

Reviews

[SR Urie]

1 box,
Excellent setting, perfect prose that draws me, the reader, in like a scupper on the gunwhales of a warships pushes the water over the side. Now, my copius friend, all you have to do is finish it; please let me know when you do so I can be drawn further into your superb writing. BZ

[MuSe Ampoule]

Excellent start. Very descriptive giving solidity to the scene. Flows well, though intimidating would sound better as intimidatingly. Rather than "thoughts had echoed" try "thoughts echoed" and "they had become" try "they became". Just a suggestion, but it might help the flow better.

A good tool I use in all my writing, both poetry and fiction, is to write everything down in my mind...then brutally chop out everything that doesn't belong. It reduces chances for redundancy and helps the reader flow from one thought to the next.

Very good start, I'd like to read more.

[inside unknown]

you have a knack for using adjectives to your advantage, describing things in a way that most would not necessarily think of, but once they read it, they say, "that totally makes sense, thats exactly how i feel!" it makes them excited that someone else understands how they feel and think. it also tells of the world we live in, and the reader realizes that they, too, have been guilty of this technological obsession at one point. i love your metaphor, it is very creative and insightfull, and so, so true. but i warn you to make sure your work does not become to verbose-- if you become to focused on adjectives and the like, the reader can become lost in the words as opposed to what they are actually saying. this is a wonderful place to put your work because people give their honest opinion. keep on writing!! =D

--inside unknown--