Glimpse of Redemption

Though the person to whom this letter is directed will probably never read this, it's just so relieving for me to have gotten this out of my system, off my chest.

 

Other people, who aren't even related to my by blood—like you are, who are further away from me, less accessible to me than you are, were able to see and celebrate  things in me which you were never able to notice (and probably never will, for that matter.)

 

But you know what? I forgive you.

Forgive you, because I know you never meant to say the things you said, or even think the things you thought.

Forgive you, because I know you'd never hurt me on purpose. Because even when you do hurt me, it isn't you, ever. It's the generations of conditioning, suffering, suppression which you've tolerated; which now run through your blood—but (ironically,) do not taint mine. It's the monochromatic vision which you've been brought up to see with.

 

It's the intoxication of pain which speaks through you. It was never you.

 

Forgive you—because it's never really personal. Besides, if I didn't allow myself to be an outlet for your suppression, you'd probably explode. And yes, I've made peace with it. It doesn't hurt me anymore—not because I'm numb with pain, but because I can see it all from a higher, wiser vantage point. I forgive you.

 

I'm not trying to be condescending or patronizing. I'm not any better than you. I'm not purer or more sacred and divine. I'm just more comfortable with myself.

Forgiving you wouldn't make me feel better about myself. Won't validate me. It wouldn't make me a hero. I'm forgiving you precisely because it would change nothing in who I am. Because it won't make me rise above anyone, it won't make me special, and it certainly won't change you, nor erase what you've done, over time and time again.

 

            But I forgive you because I understand.

                        I understand what is.

                                    I just see more clearly now.

 

And yes, I've found weakness in judging, crying, wondering, resisting. It weakened me—every time—to reject you, to try to change you. And now, I see that I will find strength once I accept you, and acknowledge the random, silent—but fatal—bullets which you unleash, and I can let them flow through me with ease.

 

Without so much as scratching me.

 

But now I see that the bullets aren't really hitting ME.

They're hitting what I thought was ME, but never really was.

And the ME sees that now.

 

I don't know if it's the compilation of my inclinations, orientations, and my interests which threatens you, or seems unacceptable to you. But to say the truth, right now, I'm very comfortable with everything.

 

And most importantly, I understand that you haven't forgiven yourself.

 

You don't even know me.

How could you possibly know what you were doing to me?
And know how it affected me?—And the people around me?

 

But remember, I don't pity you. I understand you. I accept you. I've made peace with you.

There's a difference.

 

But thank you for trying. Thank you for everything.

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Thanks to a book I'm reading, "A New Earth", I was able to see things more clearly. I find it easier to be compassionate, or just objectively understanding of people's behavior. Above all, I have a little more self-control and management over my hyper-sensitivity. Please tell me what you think, it would really mean a lot! This is super personal :)

Reviews

[...]

. this is just so unbelievable ... if i knew you personally, i'd have wished you recommended this letter to me as soon as you wrote it ... i needed to read this two years ago ... maybe earlier ... but anyway ... i'll just say that this is that rare clarity of thought ... and expression ... that is likely to move anyone who reads it ... i'll add that some of us need it ... to even begin to comprehend others and ourselves ... a truly insightful and empowering read ...

[Celtic Cat]

Oh, O! What a transcendental write this is. You are completely on-base when you say it isn't personal. I think that's one of the best lessons I've ever learned. That... and that the way people treat you or speak of you is not a reflection of YOU...it is a reflection of THEM. Clearly, you've come to understand both these truths. I'm so happy for you.... growing spiritually, as I'm apt to call it, is a very freeing thing. I'm so glad you are at this place now.... it is so much better than where you came from, I know. I'm completely happy for you.... and am holding back tears of joy. Wonderful, wonderful movement. Excellent write. I hope others can learn from this piece... it's so full of great clues!!!

[Emily Elizabeth]

I think here this is very self-medicating work. By writing this you are helping to ease the pain. The first part of this is very emotional and painful, but also very moving. The piece ends on a hopeful note. I think if you can forgive someone, even if they have done the worst thing possible to you, you can grow stronger and you become more experienced as well as coming out of a situation the better person. I also have my own opinions on this.
Anyways, on a lighter note, this is well-written, and, like all your work, a pleasure and it takes you places. Thanks for sharing!