Toxic

You told me

That to live a life of pleasure

I needed to break the rules

 

So I fell in love under the multi coloured metal sky

Electric butterflies soared through my veins

And my eyes became like planets

that people were afraid to explore

 

My existence was complete

I no longer felt any pain

An ache

that used to consume me

was gone

My heart pumped and I was transformed

 

The thrill of the prick and the sigh

A fire inside

to engage with the elements

brings a higher consciousness

a new level of living

 when my blood spilled

it could have made a rainbow

 

and I am here and there

I am everywhere

More than three dimensional

I feel safe

But soon I will be gone

and it's okay

because one day we will all die.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Wonderful use of words and thoughts.
"you told me
That to live a life of pleasure
I needed to break the rules"
I like the energy of the poem. The above lines. Very nice. A toxic love is a dangerous one. Make us live or make us want death. Thank you for sharing the outstanding poetry.
Coyote

[olympiuslu]

Thank you for such kind comments yet again!

[Coyote Poetry]

Was my pleasure and you are welcome.

[Zoya]

Wow! The piece overflows with raw emotions. I really don't have words to explain how I felt while reading this. Great work!

[olympiuslu]

Thank you Zoe!

[Zoya]

No problem

[Re-Pete]

these sentiments surely aren't toxic. a transcending write.

Electric butterflies soared through my veins

what's not to like? great job ...

[olympiuslu]

Thank you Pete!

[sette]

the poem definitely speaks from the heart

[olympiuslu]

I'm glad you think so!

[E.A. Spain]

I really like this poem for the allusion to drug use and how it makes you feel about yourself, the world, and everything in between. I like the descriptive words as well.

[olympiuslu]

Thank you very much!

[barleygirl]

This is one of the most powerful & uninhibited pieces of writing about sensual attraction & spontaneous living! I love every word -- transfixed from beginning to end. I love the way this sounds so independent & sassy -- some guy told her this, so she did that . . . on & on & on, the vivid details of how this transformation manifested in your own unique ways, rather than being a puppet for some guy who was trying to say how she should be, the narrator uses his advice as only a springboard for finding her own beauty & strength, which grows evermore glorious along the way. I also love the ending becuz it's always been my mantra -- why not be myself, becuz it's a bad way to die with a ton of regrets & not knowing who we were really meant to be! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[olympiuslu]

Wow thank you for such a compliment and for sharing your thoughts, love hearing from you!

[emipoemi]

ho-ly kwap! I love this. This bears a type of profundity that goes beyond the page and into the soul! It's brilliantly crafted right down to the final cadence! I'm reading how everyone else had thought/ responded, and I can really not add to it. I agree with them all. If I may correct you on a couple of things:

-"it could of made a rainbow" (although it sounds like "could of" the expression is actually "could have" - common mistake, but thought I'd point it out).

- The last line could be better. It has the right beat, the right emotion, the right message, but you could definitely make it more poetic by keeping the meaning, but changing the wording. Something like an invitation to the reader. For right now, the wording sounds a bit bland to end with it. Throughout the poem, it flows well, it hits every beat with a bang, and that's what makes it awesome. the end is understood, but what I'm saying is that the message could be through the roof, if you switch the perspective a bit. Right now, you're saying "because one day we will all die", which is powerful, but a very ordinary way of phrasing it......how about something like this: "but it's ok/because one day you [all] will join me." The line now puts it over the top, and you have reached a climactic zenith, from where you cannot go any further. Consider it at will. You have the last call.

This is overall fantastic! From the hooking beginning to the kicker end! Well done!

[olympiuslu]

Thank you so much. I am so grateful for the time you take to review my work, for your kind comments and also your ways to improve. I really appreciate hearing your opinions, thanks again!

[emipoemi]

my pleasure.

[Veronica Parker]

Your words brutally transcend the page. Thanks for writing this.

[olympiuslu]

No, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!

[Alexa Apothic Red]

Wow, I loved this piece! Your writing is beautiful, the words are perfect, original lines and vocab choices, the flow exquisite.. once again I am very much a fan of your work!

And my eyes became like planets
That people were afraid to explore

Ohhhh, that is brilliant! My mind leapt to planets colliding (eyes that aren't afraid to explore one another's souls)... but it's an original and intriguing way to describe your uneasiness with how people perceive you. It's as if your eyes grew to the size of planets once you saw all there was to see in the world. I feel a sense of awe-struck wonder as I read those lines, but that others are afraid to explore the depths of you gives a hint of distance derived from your exploration and awareness of the world and what you were coming to terms with.

The middle stanzas are so vivid..
The thrill of the prick and and the sigh...
A fire inside
To engage with the elements
Brings a higher consciousness
A new level of living
When my blood spilled
It could have made a rainbow

From this my mind went to either hallucinogenic drugs, tripping or really fantastic sex.. maybe a combination of it all.. or maybe none of those things and just higher levels of consciousness found in experiencing life in the raw.. though the title does lend itself to an interpretation of drug-induced narcosis.. or rather, perhaps, your life was toxic prior to experiencing all life has to offer

I am here and I am there
I am everywhere

These lines made me sing a familiar Beatles tune in my head. But also might be a nod to another of their songs: "Across The Universe" and if that's the case, then I'm definitely picking up on a transcendent acid trip ha ha!

More than three dimensional says it all.. you're behond the limiting dimensions here and in your mind you can explore all the great beyonds...

Excellent original writing that clearly paints images and emotions. Loved it as I love all your writing!! Well done!

[olympiuslu]

Thank you so much for this! I always look forward to reading your reviews as you always seem to bring my writing to life so perfectly. I always have an idea behind my poetry but I also love to leave it open to interpretation, that is why I love hearing what you have to say! As always you leave such nice comments so again, I thank you for such a great review.

[Alexa Apothic Red]

Well I'm really flattered that you feel that way!! I look forward to reading your writing and reviews as well!

[Kelly Scheppers]

You've made me shiver. Brilliant!

[olympiuslu]

Wow thank you!