Some Fool Idiot

Ever read warning labels? Try to explain to a child why they are there.

My youngest asked me one day: “Mom, what is a warning label?”

“Well, they are warnings about things you shouldn’t be doing,” I said. “Why do you ask?”

“Because your hair dryer has one and it says not to use it in the shower!”

I laughed. “Yep-that label is there because of some fool idiot.”

“What do you mean?”  He asked.

“I mean, some fool idiot actually thought it was a good idea to shower and use a hair dryer. What happens when you mix electricity and water?”

“Jeez mom, you die!  Anybody knows that!” 

“Well, maybe so,” I said. “But for every warning label out there, some fool idiot had to do what the label tells you not to do. People have died or been injured doing some really stupid things.”

“Wow, that’s pretty cool,” he said.

Now for some odd reason this notion of warning labels captured my youngest imagination. It became his quest in life to point out any kind of sign or warning label created because of the actions of some fool idiot.

“Look mom!” He yelled, pointing out the window of my van during our morning commute to school. “What does the sign with the arrow thingy at the front of the median mean?”

“It means to drive to the right of the median-otherwise you’ll be hit by on-coming traffic.”

“Man! That means some fool idiot was KILLED going the wrong way!”  He said with glee.

Gee, maybe he’s taking this stuff too much to heart.

Our morning commutes became a litany of warning sign discoveries.

Signs that said not to climb the power poles:

“Some guy got fried!”

Signs that said cross only on green:

“Some guy became road kill!”

Signs that said no U-turns:

“POW! Slammed into the side!” 

I sighed.  What is it with boys and their fascination with death and destruction?

Alas, the week unfolded with the following revelations:

SILLY PUTTY:  Do not use as ear plugs.

“Mom that is so lame. Everyone knows silly putty is better to chew!”

BOX OF BOTTLE ROCKETS:  Do not put in mouth.

“Yeah man-why put them in your mouth when you can hold them in your hand!”

SWANSON FROZEN TV DINNERS:  This product must be cooked before eating.

“That fool idiot needs to buy a microwave!”

CARDBOARD WINDSHIELD SUN SHADE: Do not use while driving car.

“Well, duh!  Anyone knows you need to cut circles in it to see out!”

BATTERY THERMOMETER:  Do not use orally after using rectally.

(I had to explain this one)  “You do WHAT with it? EEeeeew!”

This went on for days and it needed to stop.  So one evening when he sat down to do his homework, there was a warning label attached to his math book.

MATH HOMEWORK:  Do not use with calculator, could cause brain damage.

“Mom??? What does that mean?”

“It means some fool idiot used a calculator to do his math and his brain rotted away!”

“Ah, no way mom, right?”  he asked, fearfully.

I attached a warning label to his toothbrush.

TOOTHBRUSH:  Lack of use could cause denture-itis.

“Denture-itis?  What is that?” 

“It means that some fool idiot didn’t brush his teeth and his teeth rotted out and now he wears dentures.

“No!  I’m too young for that!” 

I attached a warning label to the body soap in the shower.

BODY SOAP:  Failure to lather could result in loss of body parts.

“Whhaaaatt?  I don’t understand!” 

“It simply means if you don’t soap up and clean certain body parts, they may fall off!”

Suddenly, his daily discussions on warning labels came to an abrupt end.  Our morning commute was without tales of how people kill themselves because of basic stupidity.

It’s nice to know he understands life’s little perils. Although his responses to warning labels made my skin crawl, I’m hoping once he’s grown, I would have taught him better.

After all, I’m not some fool idiot.

 

 

 

Author's Note

Any feedback appreciated.