Thoughts

A Story by L

Just purging myself

His skin is soft against me; its feels so nice like this. I can feel the heat emitting off of his body, intertwining with mine as I touch unknown territory. It feels different; we are both vulnerable, both in danger, danger of judgement, and danger of humiliation. Yet, there is acceptance in both in the form of our touch and our serenity.

He is more confident this time doing this, something I am unfamiliar with but am curious to inspect. He’s smiling at me more, but becoming more forceful, fulfilling his needs in a more selfish manner.

“Are you okay?” I ask as I pull away from his mouth.

“Yeah, just high aha, I smoked some green this morning” He says to me with an overwhelming grin. I nod back at him.

As we continue, his gaze starts trespassing itself onto my body, and I quickly move to avoid it. He forces it anyway, and starts again, nourishing himself with my body, and my mind closes itself off. My observation drifts, and I notice that the evening is quiet, apart from us, and I look to my side as I see the lump that is my bed. It’s moving in an abstract way, and my hair is everywhere, scattered over my pillow, colonising it. His head is resting into my neck, and heavy breaths pollute itself onto me like a machine. A pulsating sensation comes with it while he constrains me uncomfortably into the mattress.

Suddenly the movement halts. “Can I go into another position? One where I can feel more but do less?” he asks without hesitation, without his previous self-consciousness.

“Sure”

My head bangs against the wall slightly. It is darker now. The light peeking out of the sides of the blinds in my room are starting to thin out, and exhibiting an artificial yellow hue that harshly contradicts the faint dark blue of my bed sheets. My back arches to the intensity of his hitting, and my insides are struggling to hold together. Grabbing the flesh of my behind, he pulls it apart aggressively as he infiltrates falls deeper and deeper into me. I react accordingly, moaning and crying into my pillow. It feels extremely intense but empty at the same time, like I’m feeling but I’m not, as if I am alone. The pleasure ceases to be felt, and instead contributes to something dark and ominous inside of me. I could say no. But I don’t. I don’t say anything. I wait till he’s done.

“S**t, should I get rid of this in the bathroom?”

“Yeah, go on” I reply without opinion or care.

I crawl into a foetus position, slightly more awake than before. Coldness starts planting inside of me, reinvigorating the previous seeds it had sowed.