Wipe Like a Man

     Coming from the men's room just now, I came to the realization I should take it upon myself to educate the modern man--maybe even as a sort of Public Service Announcement--in the ways of how to conduct himself in the execution of standard bathroom behavior.  The problem I'm seeing is that grown men are still going potty the way their mommies taught them to do when they were little boys!

     As I entered the lavatory to relieve myself of this morning's coffee, I noticed another gentleman who was already in there doing the same thing most likely for the same reason.  This particular bathroom has two urinals; one at a normal height as well as one that was placed on the wall significantly lower--presumably so it can be used by those of us categorized as disabled since there aren't a lot of little kids that come into work.  I was disappointed to see this other gentleman was currently depositing his mid-morning contribution in the urinal that stood at the normal height.  That's the one I always like to use as I tend to classify the porcelain receptacles thusly: big boy urinal and little boy urinal.  I prefer the big boy urinal and I'm absolutely fascinated by guys that will walk up to the little boy urinal if both are available.  I can only assume they must not know any better, but I'll leave that lesson for another day.

     What I noticed about this other gentleman, however, is while he was emptying his bladder into the coveted big boy urinal, he had the entire front of his pants hanging open, with the belt undone and everything!

     Seeing this reminded me that, in a sense, I'm very lucky.  I've been in a position in which a lot of men won't find themselves that have never been in either the military or prison.  Yes, there have been times when I had to drop a deuce in front of other dudes.

     For the first eighteen years of my life, I wiped my a*s like a girl.  When I was done with my business, I would roll off a wad of toilet paper, stand up with my pants around my ankles, take the wad of toilet paper and wipe myself front to back.  While it's absolutely necessary for women to wipe in this manner (if you don't know why, go look it up) it's not at all necessary for men.  But this is the way I'd wiped my a*s for as long as I could remember.

     When I got to basic training after joining the Navy out of high school, I was surprised to find the stalls in the barracks head had no doors!  So, the first time I had to use the bathroom, I went into a stall, pulled my pants down and sat on the toilet just as I always had.  The only thing that was different was there was a guy directly across from me already pooping.  Now the next thing that happened might have shaped my life entirely differently if it had happened another way, but--again luckily--it went down just right.  The guy across from me got done pooping first.  He then rolled off a wad of toilet paper but he didn't stand up!  He just reached down between his legs and wiped back to front a couple times, dropped the wad into the bowl, reached down and grabbed his pants and underwear and in one swift movement, deftly pulled them both up as he stood.  He then zipped, buttoned, kicked the flusher handle with his foot and left.  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I learned how a man wipes his a*s.

     And I thank Who or Whatever is responsible for this crazy universe that the guy across from me got done pooping before I did or he would've seen me standing up with all my junk swinging in the breeze to wipe myself.

     And, for the love of that Who or Whatever, when you're peeing just unzip your stupid fly!  And save the big boy urinal for me.

Author's Note

Don't hold back.

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

Being ex-navy, (like you) I found the humor quite interesting and funny. Well written, too. In addition to instructions on how to take a Navy shower, we we were also shown a unique way to use only three sheets of toilet paper at each sitting. Only in the Navy, right?

[Eddie Eichelberger]

Samuel, you're my first ever positive review! I'll return the favor at some point. I'm at work right now and Writer's Cafe is telling me your writing is rated Mature, so I'll check it out later. And thank you for your service! ;)

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

Lol I did enjoy this very well written