Chapter 4

The next month became a routine. I would walk to school alone, exchange awkward stares with Pandora in English, eat in the park with Jake, play the damsel in distress in Drama and then I’d return to the asylum that I call my home. My nights were lonely. They were filled with nightmares of Jacklyn. I always had the same one. We are in a tunnel. Her back to me, I’d yell and scream to her but she would never turn around. Eventually I’d run to her. It felt like I would run for hours and when I’d finally reach her she’d turn around and look at me; except, she couldn’t actually look at me because her face was gone. It was just skin. No facial definitions. Her beautiful eyes that I would get lost in were gone and the bright pink of her cheeks was non-existent. Then I’d wake up, covered in sweat; my breathing rapidly out of control.

Today though, was different. As I went out to go to school and have my morning smoke, a turquoise goddess was waiting for me at the end of my driveway with what looked like the lead pipe from Clue in her hand. Immediately, I assumed the worst. She hated me so much that she wanted to bash my face in. My nerves were out of control. My blood pressure was through the roof. I came up with an escape plan for me to sneak back into my house before she saw me but before I could put my escape plan into action, she spotted me. Mission aborted.

“Look, I was an a*****e. It was a horrible thing to do, avoiding you. It wasn’t fair.” She shouted from up my driveway. The tension was thicker than the Range Rover that was parked in between us.

I told myself I would be calm; that I would approach her with grace and rationality but as soon as I started walking towards her I was over came with anger. My teeth were clenched and my fists were balled up tight. If you looked at me from Pandora’s angle I looked constipated. I finally reached her. My mind was running at 100 km/h. There was a lump in my throat that felt like I dry swallowed a bunch of pills and yet, in the midst of all my anger I still couldn’t help but admire her qualities. I never noticed before that she had a beauty mark directly under the outside corner of her left eye or that her nose was narrow but it never really came to a point, it was just like a little button. I broke from her trance and took a deep breath.

“You’re damn right it wasn’t fair. You lead me on and made me think I actually had a chance with you and then you completely act like I never existed.” My words were firm and from the look on her face I could tell they hurt her but I kept going. “All my life I have been no one and I was okay with that. I liked that no one noticed me. It made my life so much easier, but then you showed up and you fucked everything up.”

“I know.” Her voice was filled with sorrow and regret.

“No, that’s the thing you don’t know.” I was practically yelling at this point. “You’re the poster child for everything that I’m not. I bet you never had to go a day with everyone ignoring you, talking about you only when your back was turned. That was my life for two years. I finally accepted the fact that until I’m done with high school, I would be alone but when you came into my life you gave me hope that this year might be different and maybe, just maybe I could finally have a normal life but I guess not, eh? You know they say that there are many evils in this world but the worst of them all is hope.”

I was shaking. Every part of me was trembling with fear, anxiety and anger.

“I am so sorry. I never knew any of that. I didn’t mean to leave you alone or to make you feel insignificant. Everything I did, I did for you. I thought it was what was best for us, for you.” She sounded sincere but it was like she was apologizing for something greater, something worse than just avoiding me. “But, I was hurting too. My life hasn’t always been that great either and when you came and showed me so much love and care I got scared. All my life I have ran from my problems. It’s a natural instinct for me. So that’s what I did. I ran from you, but you can’t blame me for everything. I wasn’t the one who told you to fall for me. I never gave you hope, you did that to yourself. I wanted to be your friend and you wanted more. I have never had to commit to anything in my life before and I wasn’t about to start. I told you in the woods be careful what you wish for because I’m nothing but trouble. I destroy everything I touch.”

Her apology turned into some kind of blame, like it was my fault that I had feelings for her. “Are you kidding me? You’re the one who kissed me in the woods!” My throat felt tight. I felt like I was stuck in the middle of the ocean trying to keep my head above water and right now, I was drowning.

“You kissed me first!”

“But you didn’t stop me. You can’t say that you didn’t feel something. I know you did.”

She looked down at the ground and didn’t say anything.

 I almost forgot about the mysterious weapon that was in her hand. It was not a lead pipe thankfully. It was a metal tube for posters and paintings.

“I made this for you.” She handed me the container.

Hesitantly, I took it from her hand and started to undo the lid. It was on much tighter then I thought and I had trouble getting it off.

“Here, let me help.” She held out her hand but I refused to give it to her.

“I don’t need your help.” I hissed. She retracted her hand. I guess my anger gave me some super human strength because I was finally able to take off the lid. I pulled out the painting and unrolled it. When I saw the painting my jaw dropped. The pale water color paint shined against the egg shell paper. The painting was of two girls, one with black hair who I assumed was me and one with turquoise hair, who was Pandora.  They were intertwined and formed the yin and yang symbol. The colors dripped to the bottom of the page creating a grunge look to it. It was breath taking. I was at a loss for words. She stood there admiring my expression, satisfied with her work.

“Look, I know you’re mad at me and you have every right to be but I miss you a lot. I just came by to tell you that and give you the painting.” She turned and started to walk to school.

I didn’t look up from the painting as she walked away. My feet felt planted into place. When I finally checked back into reality I realized that I couldn’t let her leave my life. She was too important to me to lose.

I put the painting back into its case and I ran after her. She was almost at the end of the street when I reached her. I grabbed her shoulder and swung her around to face me. I was out of breath due to my lack of exercise. Her bright green eyes stared at me with astonishment. I finally caught my breath. I didn’t plan out what I was going to say when I caught up to her but I could tell she already knew.  She held her hand to my cheek. I nuzzled my head into her hand. The warmth of her gave me the same comforting feeling that I missed. I kissed the palm of her hand and wrapped my hands on her waist, pulling her closer to me. I pressed my fore head on hers, taking in deep breaths of her sweet scent that radiated off her. I slowly brought my lips to hers so that they were almost touching.

I slowly whispered. “Please don’t ever leave me again, no matter what. I can’t handle losing you again.”

She looked at me from under her lashes and nodded. Her lips came into contact with mine and slowly consumed every bit of anger and sadness that I felt before.