Final Moments

A Poem by OfDeathandLove

Shadows follow you through the door
And stalk you into the night
When you lie on the floor
And they attack with their might

Not anymore, you say
as you reach for the shining death
It will all be gone by day
When you've taken your last breath

Go Cry
You'll Fly
It's Time
To Die

In those Final Moments in pain
Could you say you lived your life
Or was your soul created in vain
Giving the devil its strife?

Screams echo through the dark
Chasing those shadows away
This night you make your last mark
This final night of May

Go Cry
You'll Fly
It's Time
To Die

In those Final Moments in pain
Could you say you lived your life
Or was your soul created in vain
Giving the devil its strife?

Farewell, my friend,
Until we meet again

Go Cry
You'll Fly
It's Time
To Die

In those Final Moments in pain
Could you say you lived your life
Or was your soul created in vain
Giving the devil its strife?

Go Cry
You'll Fly
It's Time
To Die

© 2013 OfDeathandLove

Author's Note

Yes, it's repetitive, that's because I tossed around a few ideas of turning this into a song. Don't really know if I will, though.

My Review

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Featured Review

James Hanna-Magill

Dear Kyra

Thank you for undertaking a review of Split.

I intend to review Chapter One of your book shortly. There are few novelists on this site and more poets.

I do poetry, short stories and novels.

I think it important to support other budding novelists like you.

But first, I thought I would try my hand at this poem.

For once in my life, having the habit of reviewing long, I may just be a little more concise. Anyway we will both find out shortly!

Here's my review:

Structure: I like this, because what you have actually achieved is poetry in song, with repetitive refrains. That is what songs often do.

I find it admirable, because I find some but not many who try their hand at this and I think you do it well.

So bravo for experimenting with this.

2) Rhymes: Now this I am very impressed by because you rarely drop your rhyming pattern.

In the longer 4 line stanzas you do abab'

In the shorter 4 line stanzas you do 'aabb

And in your single 2 line stanza you do 'aa'

Now that lends elegance to the piece as it clearly demonstrates concentrated thought on your part.

3) Use of English: Quite simple which suits the tone of the piece. There is no complexity to death. It is simply something we will all have to face with those close to us and then when it is time for us to meet our maker.

We are defined by our own mortality.

Death however painful is a simple construct so the simple language suits it well.

4) Metaphor / allusion: I see you only do what I term 'allusion' in your first stanza and I find it an effective, not repeated introduction to the poem.

The lift:

'Shadows follow you through the door
And stalk you into the night
When you lie on the floor
And they attack with their might'

You portray well in your opening the sombre tone of the piece.

5) Meaning: Your key repetition gives clarity to your point:

Lift:

'In those Final Moments in pain
Could you say you lived your life
Or was your soul created in vain
Giving the devil its strife?'

You ask us to consider, when we reach the end of our lives, did they really serve any purpose, or was it all a waste of time where we did no good by anyone and just as you put it live a devilish life.

That question is one of the most fundamental pieces of philosophical thought. 'Why are we here? And as we find ourselves here, how are we supposed to lead our lives?

I could give you erudite examples of such thinking and debate them here at length. But in the interests of keeping this briefer, I shall say no more on the topic.

There is an elegiac feel to this all of the way through. I like it when all of a sudden you break your pattern with the two liner:

'Fairwell, my friend,
Until we meet again'

Your brief lines set the sadness of the tone throughout:

'Go Cry
You'll Fly
It's Time
To Die'

6) Spelling. Just a little note to help you out here in passing on one word. 'Fairwell' should be spelt 'Farewell'

I like to do balanced critiques in the sense that I like to help the writer know what does and does not work from the point of view of a single reader. Mine.

But frankly apart from one spelling mistake, there is nothing in here to dislike.

By contrast I find this an intriguing, lulling, elegiac, well expressed poetry in song.

So a well accomplished piece and well done.

I intend to get round to your book shortly, just give me a little time.

With my kindest regards

James Hanna-Magill

Posted 11 Years Ago

Dear Kyra

Thank you for undertaking a review of Split.

I intend to review Chapter One of your book shortly. There are few novelists on this site and more poets.

I do poetry, short stories and novels.

I think it important to support other budding novelists like you.

But first, I thought I would try my hand at this poem.

For once in my life, having the habit of reviewing long, I may just be a little more concise. Anyway we will both find out shortly!

Here's my review:

Structure: I like this, because what you have actually achieved is poetry in song, with repetitive refrains. That is what songs often do.

I find it admirable, because I find some but not many who try their hand at this and I think you do it well.

So bravo for experimenting with this.

2) Rhymes: Now this I am very impressed by because you rarely drop your rhyming pattern.

In the longer 4 line stanzas you do abab'

In the shorter 4 line stanzas you do 'aabb

And in your single 2 line stanza you do 'aa'

Now that lends elegance to the piece as it clearly demonstrates concentrated thought on your part.

3) Use of English: Quite simple which suits the tone of the piece. There is no complexity to death. It is simply something we will all have to face with those close to us and then when it is time for us to meet our maker.

We are defined by our own mortality.

Death however painful is a simple construct so the simple language suits it well.

4) Metaphor / allusion: I see you only do what I term 'allusion' in your first stanza and I find it an effective, not repeated introduction to the poem.

The lift:

'Shadows follow you through the door
And stalk you into the night
When you lie on the floor
And they attack with their might'

You portray well in your opening the sombre tone of the piece.

5) Meaning: Your key repetition gives clarity to your point:

Lift:

'In those Final Moments in pain
Could you say you lived your life
Or was your soul created in vain
Giving the devil its strife?'

You ask us to consider, when we reach the end of our lives, did they really serve any purpose, or was it all a waste of time where we did no good by anyone and just as you put it live a devilish life.

That question is one of the most fundamental pieces of philosophical thought. 'Why are we here? And as we find ourselves here, how are we supposed to lead our lives?

I could give you erudite examples of such thinking and debate them here at length. But in the interests of keeping this briefer, I shall say no more on the topic.

There is an elegiac feel to this all of the way through. I like it when all of a sudden you break your pattern with the two liner:

'Fairwell, my friend,
Until we meet again'

Your brief lines set the sadness of the tone throughout:

'Go Cry
You'll Fly
It's Time
To Die'

6) Spelling. Just a little note to help you out here in passing on one word. 'Fairwell' should be spelt 'Farewell'

I like to do balanced critiques in the sense that I like to help the writer know what does and does not work from the point of view of a single reader. Mine.

But frankly apart from one spelling mistake, there is nothing in here to dislike.

By contrast I find this an intriguing, lulling, elegiac, well expressed poetry in song.

So a well accomplished piece and well done.

I intend to get round to your book shortly, just give me a little time.

With my kindest regards

James Hanna-Magill

Rating /100

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

11 Years Ago

Thank you for the review, and for your compliments. They mean so much to me as writer. The error has.. read more

Reviews

James Hanna-Magill

Posted 11 Years Ago

Dear Kyra

Thank you for undertaking a review of Split.

I intend to review Chapter One of your book shortly. There are few novelists on this site and more poets.

I do poetry, short stories and novels.

I think it important to support other budding novelists like you.

But first, I thought I would try my hand at this poem.

For once in my life, having the habit of reviewing long, I may just be a little more concise. Anyway we will both find out shortly!

Here's my review:

Structure: I like this, because what you have actually achieved is poetry in song, with repetitive refrains. That is what songs often do.

I find it admirable, because I find some but not many who try their hand at this and I think you do it well.

So bravo for experimenting with this.

2) Rhymes: Now this I am very impressed by because you rarely drop your rhyming pattern.

In the longer 4 line stanzas you do abab'

In the shorter 4 line stanzas you do 'aabb

And in your single 2 line stanza you do 'aa'

Now that lends elegance to the piece as it clearly demonstrates concentrated thought on your part.

We are defined by our own mortality.

Death however painful is a simple construct so the simple language suits it well.

4) Metaphor / allusion: I see you only do what I term 'allusion' in your first stanza and I find it an effective, not repeated introduction to the poem.

The lift:

'Shadows follow you through the door
And stalk you into the night
When you lie on the floor
And they attack with their might'

You portray well in your opening the sombre tone of the piece.

5) Meaning: Your key repetition gives clarity to your point:

Lift:

'In those Final Moments in pain
Could you say you lived your life
Or was your soul created in vain
Giving the devil its strife?'

That question is one of the most fundamental pieces of philosophical thought. 'Why are we here? And as we find ourselves here, how are we supposed to lead our lives?

I could give you erudite examples of such thinking and debate them here at length. But in the interests of keeping this briefer, I shall say no more on the topic.

There is an elegiac feel to this all of the way through. I like it when all of a sudden you break your pattern with the two liner:

'Fairwell, my friend,
Until we meet again'

Your brief lines set the sadness of the tone throughout:

'Go Cry
You'll Fly
It's Time
To Die'

6) Spelling. Just a little note to help you out here in passing on one word. 'Fairwell' should be spelt 'Farewell'

I like to do balanced critiques in the sense that I like to help the writer know what does and does not work from the point of view of a single reader. Mine.

But frankly apart from one spelling mistake, there is nothing in here to dislike.

By contrast I find this an intriguing, lulling, elegiac, well expressed poetry in song.

So a well accomplished piece and well done.

I intend to get round to your book shortly, just give me a little time.

With my kindest regards

James Hanna-Magill

Rating /100

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

11 Years Ago

Thank you for the review, and for your compliments. They mean so much to me as writer. The error has.. read more

Channele

If you turn this into a song hmmm... it kind of reminded me oddly of Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Guardian Angel, that's how I'd see this as a song. Slow and gentle!